Exhausted by Sex: One of the Top 4 Relationship Stressors

There are some common beliefs surrounding the use of dating apps, such as male users mostly using them for casual sex and female users mostly using them out of boredom. Are these claims accurate?

Psychologist Ernst Botnen conducted a study on the purposes of men and women using dating apps. People use dating apps for many reasons, such as following a trend or simply out of curiosity. Botnen narrowed down the purposes to four main aspects: seeking leisure (casual sex), seeking intimacy, gaining a good self-image, and killing time.

The study found little difference in the amount of time men and women spent using dating apps. Indeed, men primarily use dating apps for leisure, while women primarily use them to enhance their self-image , as they can present a better image on the app and derive satisfaction from male attention. No significant differences were observed between men and women in seeking relationships and killing time (Burriss, 2018).

Holding hands while walking, kissing in the street, being invited to someone’s home at night… What behaviors during a date indicate that the other person is making a sexual invitation? The ability to accurately interpret the other person’s sexual intentions is very important in a relationship.

Researchers have found that men are indeed more “narcissistic” when it comes to sexual invitations 😂. In heterosexual contexts, men’s assessment of a woman’s sexual intentions is far higher than her actual sexual intentions, by about 23%.

However, the discrepancy might be due to men overestimating women’s sexual intentions. Or perhaps it’s because women underreported their own sexual intentions in the study. To clarify this, researchers had some participants directly assess their own sexual intentions based on a specific set of behaviors, while others first acted as outsiders, assessing the sexual intentions of others based on the same behaviors before assessing their own. The results showed that the latter group of women were more honest in their answers, reducing the previous discrepancy by about half.

Women are more accurate in judging men’s sexual intentions. Their judgments are only biased when men underreport their sexual intentions; otherwise, they can always accurately understand what men want (here comes Xia Chao’s gaze: girls, please trust your intuition; you can easily tell whether a man wants love or just sex) (Fradera, 2017).

Family pressure to get married, unsatisfactory jobs, high housing prices, expensive medical care… life is full of various stressors, and almost everyone complains about the immense pressure we face today. But what are the main sources of stress for couples? A recent study shows that among the many stressors, four have a particularly pronounced impact:

1. Work-related stress (35%) : The changing work patterns now give people a feeling of being “always online.” Even after returning home from work, people still focus a lot of attention on work-related matters, frequently checking their phones and replying to emails, making it difficult to quickly adjust their mind and body to a relaxed state, which can easily lead to dissatisfaction and complaints between couples.

2. Sexual fatigue (33%) : The burdens of life leave people feeling exhausted, not only physically but also mentally, leading to a decrease in the frequency of sexual activity among couples. Furthermore, the reduction or absence of sexual activity creates new stress, impacting both partners’ satisfaction with the relationship.

3. Low libido (28%) : Even if some people have enough energy for sex, certain psychological factors make them hesitant. The most common one is body image anxiety. They may feel that their bodies are flawed, such as their body shape has changed, or their complexion is poor, or they are starting to age. These negative self-evaluations reduce their libido.

4. Arguments over money (27%) : Even the most romantic love cannot guarantee that two people can live a good life amidst the mundane realities of daily life. Friction and arguments often arise between couples over various expenses and budgets. The reason money is so complicated in a couple’s life is that money is closely related to power and directly affects the balance in the relationship (Grande, 2018).

Last year, a study also confirmed the current anxiety among couples regarding sex: over the past two decades, Americans have had sex about 15% less often each year, from 62 times to 53 times. Similar studies in the UK, Australia, and Japan in recent years have also shown this trend.

What causes people to turn away from sex?

One particularly prominent point is the relationship between work and sex. The energy that work consumes gradually pushes sex to the periphery of life. Furthermore, the length of working hours is not directly related to people’s sexual satisfaction; rather, it’s people’s attitude towards work itself. An unpleasant job has a more severe negative impact on mental health than unemployment, and this extends to sexual life.

Given the complexity of the reasons, some psychologists understand this issue from a more macro perspective: the decline in sexuality is related to the current level of unhappiness in society. Modern society brings abundant material life, but people are under increasing pressure, and depression and loss seem to have become one of the main characteristics of modernity. These negative emotions may cause sexual dysfunction, making sex less active than before (Copland, 2017).

A British survey revealed that 46% of women and 42% of men think about other people during sex. Many sexual fantasies involve close friends or colleagues, and the person most frequently appearing in these fantasies is usually someone the fantasizer has had sexual relations with. 60% of men and women fantasize about former lovers.

How do people view such sexual fantasies? The results showed that one-third of respondents considered it a form of infidelity, while others were more tolerant. Some felt that this behavior was simply a means to enhance sexual enjoyment and wouldn’t actually lead to infidelity. Many doctors also advise men with erectile dysfunction to learn to use sexual fantasies during sex to adjust their physical state.

Even if such sexual fantasies are normal, thinking about the same person every time, especially a specific, familiar person, could be a sign of a deeper problem. Furthermore, it’s worth noting that if sexual fantasies create a sense of alienation from the sexual experience and fail to reinforce the current feelings and relationship, then the fantasies may simply be a way of escaping something (Smothers, 2017).

A strong sense of responsibility is associated with self-discipline, organization, restraint, and punctuality, so it is often perceived as contradicting the passion and adventure inherent in sex and therefore not having a positive effect on sexual life. However, a study this year surveyed the sex lives of 1,000 couples, asking them to describe various problems encountered in their sex lives. The results showed that
the stronger the couple’s sense of responsibility, the higher their sexual satisfaction . Researchers suggest that in long-term shared lives, the passionate component of sex gradually decreases, while mutual attitudes and effective actions become more important, which may explain why a strong sense of responsibility increases sexual satisfaction (Romm, 2018).

Sex can reduce stress. Oxytocin released during sex reduces the perception of pain and also releases hormones that help boost the immune system.

Last year, researchers at Oxford University found that older adults with regular sex lives performed better on mental tests, demonstrating greater fluency in verbal expression, better visual object recognition, and better spatial reasoning, suggesting that sexual activity can help improve cognitive abilities in older adults (Mandal, 2017).

The German Institute for Labour Research published a report on the link between sex and wages , finding a linear relationship between the frequency of sexual activity and income. Those who had sex four times a week earned more money than their counterparts with lower frequency. This correlation may be because those who have more sex are happier and healthier, have more enthusiasm at work, are less distracted, make better judgments, and ultimately reap greater material rewards (Pozin, 2014).