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Return To ShopTrue Story: The Wife Who Refused to Share a Room
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My wife and I have been married for over ten years, and I have hit her three times in those ten years .
The first time was right after we got married . It was because I was spoiled as a child and had a bad temper. That time , she blamed me for not being considerate of her.
The second time was because when we were trying to have sex , she always refused and said some very cruel and demeaning things to me. I couldn’t argue with her, and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I hit her.
This happened because of the same thing . Before this, we hadn’t been together for over two years because she had consistently refused to have marital relations with me . Her coldness and rejection had been making me angry , and when we argued about other things, I lost control and hit her .
After the New Year, she went to work in a factory far away , while I was left alone at home taking care of the children, picking them up from school , and working . I simply couldn’t manage . In a fit of anger, I told her that if things continued like this , we might as well get a divorce.
I’ve talked to her about divorce before , but it was always in the heat of the moment . I was just saying it in anger and never really meant it .
But this time she refused, insisting on a divorce , saying that I was the one who proposed it first , and that I wasn’t a real man if I didn’t.
To be honest, although we haven’t had marital relations for so long , I feel that it’s not easy to start a family, so I’ve been enduring it. This time, she insisted that I was the one who proposed the divorce and that it was a must.
Having no other option, I turned to her family for help, asking them to persuade her not to leave.
I’ve done many wrong things in the past , and her parents and brothers have never said anything about me . But this time, when her family saw that I had begged them for help , they brought up all the past things and said that I was wrong.
My wife is really stubborn now that I’m begging her. She won’t listen to anything I say . She says that whether it’s my fault or her fault , it’s now all my fault and she wants me to divorce her immediately.
To be honest , I’ve said what I needed to say , and I’ve admitted my mistakes . But for her, it’s all the same : she says nothing I say matters . She’s determined to divorce me.
I’d like to ask for advice . I really don’t want a divorce ; I feel it’s not easy to build a family . How can I restore our relationship ? What should I do if she insists on divorce? Thank you for your guidance!
Ling Shuangjiang’s reply:
First of all, regardless of the reason, and regardless of gender, hitting or verbally abusing one’s spouse (excluding flirtatious banter) is an extremely incompetent and despicable act. Please stop and correct this behavior. Don’t say you can’t control yourself; why don’t you go out and hit someone else?
Second, there are generally two reasons why a wife refuses to have marital relations with her husband:
1. In this respect, she is self-sufficient (possibly by using adult toys, or perhaps by having someone else outside the marriage). In short, she no longer needs you.
2. She has this need, but she finds it more disgusting to use you to satisfy her needs than to endure them (she has no feelings for you, only dislike and even hatred. You have never made her happy, both physically and mentally, so she would rather endure it than have sex with you).
Thirdly, based on your description, reason two seems more likely. Before your wife refused to have marital relations with you, you must have done many things that hurt and drove her to despair. Although you glossed over it, saying you admitted your mistakes, it’s clear that your apology was merely to dissuade her from divorcing you, and you don’t intend to change. Because from your description, you don’t seem to understand where you went wrong. You’ve been married for over ten years and have children, yet she not only refuses marital relations but also insists on divorce. In this situation, where it clearly appears she’s being unreasonable, not a single person from your in-laws has said a good word for you. This shows that your actions over the past ten years have only gotten worse.
Third, suggestions:
1. Want a wife, not money. Do you own a house? Is it marital property? Change the house registration to your wife’s name. Do you have savings? Let your wife manage the savings. If you don’t want a divorce, then sincerely take action, not just words, but deeds. Let your wife and her family immediately see your sincerity in not wanting a divorce and wanting to continue the relationship. The most direct way is through money and property; it’s the same for men and women—where the money is, there the heart is. If you’re willing to give up, your in-laws will most likely advise reconciliation rather than separation. If you’re not willing, you’ll have to start calculating how much it would cost to marry another wife and whether she would be easier to manage than your current wife.
2. Learn to be sweet-talking and diligent. Taking care of the kids and doing housework should be voluntary. Since you’ve already done it, what’s wrong with saying a few kind words? Being sweet-talking and providing emotional support can only bring benefits, not harm. If you think marrying a wife is just about outsourcing childcare, then even if you pay her, it won’t improve your relationship. After over ten years of marriage, you should understand her temperament, right? If not, you can observe her, you can ask her honestly, right? Talk to her, ask her what you can do to truly improve your relationship. You’re the one who’s afraid of divorce right now; you’re suffering, so you must change yourself to have any chance of saving your marriage.
3. Do you have any problems with your sex life? Although you already have a child, having the right tools, good technique, and a willingness to learn and continuously improve are all important aspects of a harmonious sex life. Have you done all of that? If you have, and her refusal to have sex is just her way of throwing a tantrum and sexually punishing you, then that shows her immaturity, irrationality, or even ignorance and incompetence. If she’s such a bad wife, you wouldn’t lose out if you left her.
4. Be prepared for long-term improvement. Your letter to your wife, which has dragged on to this point, is vague and lacks any clear plan. If you want to maintain your marriage, you need sustained sincerity and action. If you have no intention of changing and don’t know how, I suggest you divorce her and give your wife a way out.
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