The Reason Older Men Seem to Know What Women Want in Intimacy

Hello, Huoyang:

After carefully reading the submissions and reader interactions on Huoyang’s online forum for several days, I felt Huoyang’s professionalism and tolerance, as well as the kindness and rationality of its readers. I would also like to share my experience and hope to receive guidance from everyone.

Twenty years ago, after graduating from university, I started working in City S. I met my husband at work, and we got married after dating for two years. When we got married, his family used the down payment for the house as a bride price, and moved into the new house with us under the pretext of taking care of us (we paid for the mortgage and living expenses).

I got married too early and moved far away, which led to many conflicts with his parents due to differences in lifestyle and communication problems. My husband, being an only child, wasn’t good at handling household chores, and many grievances remained unresolved for a long time. I also have a temperament that is easily upset and unforgiving, which caused my husband to have an affair a year after we got married.

I was on a business trip out of town at the time, and after finishing my work that night, I called him multiple times but couldn’t reach him. He didn’t call back the next day either. When I complained to my friend, she asked me to check his call history, and that’s when I found out he had been cheating on me for over a month. When I saw the call details, I felt like I was frozen, followed by endless humiliation and anger.

Looking back now, I’m glad he cheated on me when I was very young. I was able to recover from all the self-harm, and his mother stood firmly by my side, which allowed the problem to be quickly resolved on the surface.

Only I know that my values were shattered. For more than two years afterward, I was unable to forgive him. It wasn’t until I retaliated against him in the same way multiple times, and he behaved himself so that I could no longer find any fault with him, that I slowly moved on from the matter.

After that, we had a son, and life returned to normal. However, I have been living a widowed life for more than ten years since my child was ten years old. I often asked him to go to the hospital for check-ups because of this, but he always made excuses.

Last year, my husband suddenly fainted and lost consciousness. He was rushed to the hospital and was resuscitated multiple times before he came back to life. Only then did I realize that my husband had a fatal hereditary disease. His body needed a lot of care and maintenance, but he never took it seriously. He indulged himself day and night and his body was already depleted.

Before the accident, I thought my husband and I would continue our relationship of living together as a couple. It wasn’t until I was taking care of him day and night in the hospital that I realized how deep my feelings for him might be. I circled around his bedside every day, taking care of his bodily functions, cleaning him up, and changing his dressings. Even though he often couldn’t respond, I never got annoyed. In a month and a half, I lost more than ten pounds.

At that time, all I could think about was bringing him back to life. Even if he was bedridden for the rest of his life, I would be content as long as he could talk to me. If he couldn’t get through this, my whole world would fall into darkness. What would be the point of living? I would either go with him or live in seclusion. I didn’t have the courage to face the noise of the outside world.

I willingly gave up everything to save him, which was also a way of saving myself.

My mother-in-law took turns caring for me for a few days, and I also took the opportunity to go home to freshen up and spend time with the children. Our house is a duplex; my parents-in-law live upstairs and we live downstairs. During those days, it was mainly my father-in-law and me at home while the children were at school. During the day, my father-in-law would often come downstairs disheveled and rush into my room to discuss things with me.

At first, I wasn’t on guard. I was changing clothes in my room when he suddenly rushed in and startled me. After that, I had to lock the door in my room, which led to him banging on the door and yelling at me. What’s worse, one time when I was taking a shower, I suddenly saw the lock on the door shaking and the door making a banging sound. I shouted and asked him what he was doing, but he didn’t answer and just kept turning the lock.

Perhaps seeing that he couldn’t open it, he paused for a while and then I heard him coming upstairs. About an hour later, he called me upstairs, asked about my husband’s situation, and coldly said: “You two should sort out your own situation. We need to save our money for our retirement.”

Afterwards, I was puzzled by his behavior because I couldn’t believe he could do anything perverted at a time like that. I could only comfort myself that I was just being paranoid, but I still had a knot in my heart, and my attitude towards the old man became particularly cold.

Not long after, my mother-in-law called to complain about our poor attitude towards the elderly. She said that since that was the case, we should each mind our own business from now on. The day after that call, my husband was scheduled for surgery, and the outcome of his condition was uncertain. I didn’t have the mind to think about anything else.

Fortunately, after several surgeries, the doctor said it was lucky I was young, and we were discharged two weeks later. I didn’t go home; instead, I stayed at a hotel near the school with my husband and child so it would be easier to take care of them.

My husband is slowly recovering, and I’ve started to reflect on our experiences over this period. I can’t find a suitable reason for my father-in-law’s previous abnormal behavior. Living together is impossible now, but we still have to pay the mortgage so they can live there. I absolutely cannot let them live there with a clear conscience.

First, I had my husband call his parents and turn on the recording function to collect evidence of his inappropriate behavior towards me (his father admitted that his behavior was inappropriate, said that he would change in the future, and hoped that we would not hold a grudge and move back home together; the so-called “each taking care of their own affairs” was just about taking care of their own living and eating habits).

I don’t believe what they said. When their son’s life was hanging in the balance and they needed help the most, all they thought of was seizing the property and humiliating the daughter-in-law who was taking care of their son. I sent the recording to my in-laws’ relatives so they could judge for themselves.

After obtaining the evidence, I forbade my husband to have much contact with his parents, even threatening divorce. Even so, my hatred for his father grew stronger every day. I made no attempt to hide my curses for his death, venting my previous pent-up anger from time to time. In my anger, I would even come home and smash household items. I wanted to ensure that he would never have peace for the rest of his life.

At the same time, sexual repression has made me moody and unpredictable; my body feels like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any moment. Given my husband’s physical condition, there’s no hope for improvement, but he has a long life ahead of him. Now I’ve put him at odds with his parents, and if I betray him, he’ll be left helpless.

I really wanted to tell him that I would take care of him for the rest of my life, but could he accept the choices I sometimes made to satisfy my physical needs? But the words wouldn’t come out.

My reply:

Hello, thank you for your trust. Being a woman is truly difficult. It hurts me deeply because you don’t know how to love yourself. I don’t know how you coped after being cheated on, or how you endured so many years of a sexless marriage. These are all signs of not loving yourself. You’ve worked tirelessly and have feelings for your husband; you’ve done more than enough in your marriage. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and don’t demand too much of yourself. You’ve truly done an exceptionally good job.

You need to solve your own needs and problems. Your father-in-law definitely has issues. As a man, regardless of age, he should have sensed the lack of intimacy in your marriage, which is why he has these thoughts about you. You need to be careful. If possible, avoid living together. A scoundrel will always be a scoundrel, even when he’s old.

But you need to acknowledge and meet your own needs. Don’t mistreat yourself. Women should learn how to love themselves, instead of just constantly sacrificing and giving.

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The Reason Older Men Seem to Know What Women Want in Intimacy