The Hidden Price of Trying to Fix a Broken Extramarital Affair

Having read many letters and witnessed the obsessions of so many lovesick men and women in this era, I have begun to understand that life is truly bitter. Now, I only want to live each day happily. Reflecting on a relationship I recently experienced, I have had moments of enlightenment and clarity. Of course, I still have doubts, which is why I wrote this letter to you, hoping for your reply.
I’m 28 years old this year. My husband and I fell in love and got married in college, and this is our eighth year together. We both had clear goals back then. He gave me a lot of valuable academic help, helped me rebuild my confidence, and was a senior I admired. When I first entered university, he was already a graduate student. He was my first true love; you could say that all the beautiful experiences I had about love during my youth were given to me by him.
Of course, I also brought him a lot of joy during this process. I am the kind of quirky girl who naturally loves adventure and excitement, while he is a reserved academic genius who is sometimes very straightforward and didn’t really give me any surprises during our relationship.
But for some reason, I feel a sense of accomplishment in this kind of guy that makes me want to break the rules. I’m not dramatic, but I like to be unpredictable and do things the wrong way. He often has a headache with me. Maybe to him I’m the troublemaker. Although he thinks I’m childish, he always indulges me and coaxes me. This was our way of getting along before we got married and had children.
Later, he graduated and entered the government sector, and I resolutely gave up my job in a first-tier city to settle down with him in this unfamiliar city. I also gave birth to my baby around that time, and my mother-in-law came to help take care of the child. The unfamiliar environment, the unfamiliar family members, the hardship of taking care of the baby, and his lack of understanding of my hardship and anxiety, even making fun of my postpartum body changes. Although I knew it wasn’t malicious, I quickly fell into postpartum depression. He said I was full of negative energy.
When I moved into our new home with my one-month-old baby, there was renovation work upstairs, and the baby couldn’t sleep and kept crying. I wanted to take my baby and mother-in-law to his dormitory for a nap, but he felt it was shameful to have a family with us and kicked us out. When we came back, I took a taxi because I wasn’t familiar with the area. When he found out, he accused me of overpaying and being scammed, saying I had a problem with my intelligence…
There are many more examples, including the conflicts between me and my mother-in-law. He has never spoken up for me or stood up for me. He claims to uphold the principle of neutrality and helping those in the right, not those in the family. He will reason with me afterwards to persuade me to accept my shortcomings. He says that even if I were his wife, he would not help me without principles.
I haven’t had a good night’s sleep every night taking care of the baby. I dragged my still-weak body to do household chores, and he didn’t even give me a sincere hug to tell me, “Honey, you’ve worked so hard.” Our years-long relationship has been steadily wearing down in the six months since I gave birth. He saw my frustration and helplessness, but he didn’t take it to heart. He just thought I was too sensitive and hadn’t grown up yet.
When my child was five months old, I realized I needed to find a job, otherwise I would continue to be despised and worthless in this family. Oh, I forgot to mention, I never relied on him for support. He had just graduated and wasn’t earning much money. I used my own savings to buy things for the baby after giving birth.
Perhaps it was because of the immense work pressure he faced and his strong desire to provide a high-quality life for his family that he felt obligated to return to work as soon as possible, to earn more money with him, and to achieve a higher quality of life. I felt like a screw that had been tightened too much, being urged to become a mother, to grow up, and to struggle alongside him.
Of course, I was willing to do all this since I married him, but I hoped the process would be sweet, that he would be grateful and understand what I wanted. But he doesn’t really understand. I feel like we’ve become complete marriage partners, and he’s forgotten that I’m also a woman who needs love and nourishment.
Let me tell you about my extramarital affair. I quickly regained my spirits and threw myself back into work, and my figure and appearance recovered as well. That’s when I met this person. I won’t go into the details of how it started, but I ‘ll just talk about how I felt. My lover filled the void left by my husband in my marriage. I realized how much I needed affirmation, praise, and encouragement. My lover’s infatuation with me helped me regain my confidence as a woman. I admit I’m vain; I needed verbal comfort more than actions, but my husband never provided that. He was never good at expressing love with words.
During the affair, I wasn’t completely swayed by my lover’s sweet talk, but I enjoyed the feeling of being needed and adored. Driven by revenge against my husband and a thrill of seeking excitement, we continued our affair for three months without any restraint.
The worst thing happened. My husband found out later. He couldn’t accept the matter itself, nor could he accept what I said. He said he couldn’t find peace in his heart. Even after my desperate pleas, he insisted on getting a divorce and finding a wife with compatible values. He told me he had to go out and see if there was anyone more suitable. If he couldn’t find anyone in six months, he would remarry.
Ironically, I accepted his suggestion because of my blind confidence that he wouldn’t actually go looking for her, that he just wanted to have some fun and make me jealous. So I signed the divorce papers and let him go to clear his head. I never imagined that this process would hurt me so deeply.
He did indeed do it, taking back ten times the harm he had suffered. Throughout the whole process, I watched him openly find a girlfriend and start a relationship. I begged him to come back time and time again, but he chose that woman and left me time and time again. Just when I was starting to let go and wanted to live a peaceful life, he came back to me to get back together.
The story should have ended here. We planned to get our marriage certificate and remarry after the pandemic. I wanted to cherish this second marriage, but I found that reality might be full of difficulties. We couldn’t go back to the close relationship we had before. Even though I wanted to cooperate and was mentally prepared to take on the duties of a wife and the responsibilities of a mother, I still felt lost sometimes.
Last night we agreed to have another child, but as soon as the lights went out, I started thinking about how he described that other woman to me, how much better she was than me, and about the hurt I caused him in the past. I also worried whether the shock and pain I caused him still lingered. I realized I could no longer enjoy quality sex with him. He hadn’t changed at all; he was still not good with words and went straight to the point. I’m gradually getting tired of it, and sometimes I pretend to be sleepy to refuse him.
Fire, what should I do? Should I continue trying to repair this marriage, or just let it go and let everything fade away? Looking forward to your reply.

-Public disclosure permitted-

My reply: Hello, thank you for your trust. If I were to post this letter, I estimate most of the comments would advise you not to remarry. Because bystanders would be more clear-headed than you about where the problems in this marriage lie.
Moreover, if the other party hasn’t changed after the divorce, why remarry?
I feel that my partner hasn’t changed at all; in fact, they’ve gotten worse. Bringing this feeling into the marriage will only make things worse. One important condition for remarriage is:
Although they are old acquaintances, they are also new acquaintances. Trust is rebuilt, the way they get along is changed, and they talk about the future again.
The current situation is that the man hasn’t let go and is comparing you to other women. You haven’t accepted him back and still find it difficult to have positive feelings in terms of sex and emotions. If this doesn’t change, even if you return to the marriage, you may still have an extramarital affair, and your partner will still find fault with you in this and that way.
In conclusion, since you’re already divorced, you’re free, and you’re still young at 28. Why let this man continue to make things difficult for you? Because it’s predictable that he’ll continue to humiliate and torment you within the marriage, and you won’t see a better outcome.
Of course, this is just my opinion. Regarding your question of whether or not to remarry, I would prefer to hear the opinions of the readers.

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The Hidden Price of Trying to Fix a Broken Extramarital Affair