HIV-positive female college student: Infected by her black boyfriend, but still deeply in love with him!

Among the HIV/AIDS community in China, she is the first and currently the only female college student with the courage to publicly disclose her condition. She is Julia. Fifteen years ago, in April, this lively, cheerful, and academically excellent 22-year-old girl from Xi’an, a second-year foreign language student who was experiencing love, was quickly pushed into the abyss of her life by the HIV virus.On April 4, 2004, 15 years ago , Julia was found by the foreign affairs office of the university where her foreign boyfriend was studying less than 48 hours after he left for his home country to receive treatment for AIDS. The office confirmed that Julia was the Chinese girlfriend of the student.At the urging of her university professor, Zhu went to the local disease control center for an HIV test. The test officially confirmed that she had contracted HIV through sexual intercourse with her boyfriend.Her world immediately turned into a chaotic, dark world.Around the time she was confirmed to be infected with the virus, several girls at universities in this city along the Yangtze River suffered the same fate as Julia. The difference was that those girls, in the prime of their lives, disappeared without a trace, and no one could contact them. Julia, however, took a completely different path.”I’m so tired, so tired of living, tired to the bone.” Julia felt a deep despair about life. “I feel abandoned by this society. Can I find my true self before I die through hard work?”

Julia is the only female college student in China with the courage to publicly disclose her HIV/AIDS condition.Zhu, infected with the virus, faced the world squarely. A girl who had never cared about AIDS was suddenly overwhelmed by the fear of AIDS and the fear of those around her.During her time alone in the house, she drew the black curtains, plunging the room into complete darkness, and just sat there, sitting there, sitting there. “I felt like I wasn’t thinking about anything; my mind was blank. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to die. I felt acutely that once I stepped out of that door, nothing and no one—not even a roadside flower, not even the wind—would matter to me anymore. “
She began to cultivate a carefully crafted image, subtly and discreetly presenting herself. None of the girls who associated with her sensed anything wrong with her, much less that she had this particular illness.

She thought of her lover, Ma Lang, the man who had returned to China, but whose fate was unknown, the man who had given her her first love. “I dare not be quiet, because if I do, Ma Lang will quickly occupy my entire mind. After all, he is the man I love, my only love so far.”
She was afraid that her parents, classmates, and relatives would find out that she had AIDS. She tried to comfort herself by telling herself that her parents lived in a city near Xi’an, a faraway city, and didn’t read newspapers or magazines or use the internet. She was afraid of losing her current job and living environment, which allowed her to hide her identity. She didn’t know where in all of China could she be allowed to live a normal and open life as an AIDS patient.Southern People Weekly had prepared itself to abandon the story about the female college student if Zhu refused to disclose his illness, which earned Zhu’s trust.

People Weekly:Are these the most important days of your life?
Julia: Looking back, my life actually began to change on the afternoon of April 3, 2004. A teacher’s words, “Do you know? He’s infected with HIV and has already developed symptoms,” completely changed the course of my life, including the length of my life.Ma Lang, Sydney, a 27-year-old medical student from the Bahamas, was studying at a prestigious university. At the time, I didn’t know it was HIV; I thought it was tuberculosis. I noticed his lung infection starting in November 2003, but I initially thought it was just a minor ailment like fever.When school started in 2004, his illness was still the same. He called to tell me he was sick. It was April 2nd, and I was doing his laundry. That was the last time we made love.The next day he said he was going to Beijing. I asked him what he was going to do in Beijing, and he said he had some business to take care of. He left on the morning of April 3rd, and that afternoon the foreign affairs department of that university notified our school’s foreign language department to look for me. From then on, I became inseparable from pain.On the morning of April 4th, accompanied by several teachers, I went to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. I really didn’t want to be tested; I just wanted to go there in a daze—if I hadn’t been tested, I might have had a sliver of hope, and it wouldn’t have been such a blow to my spirit. The university’s international affairs office notified our school’s administration office; only the department secretary and the director of student affairs knew about it, and of course, the president found out later too. They said to get tested; if nothing was wrong, that would be better; if something was wrong, then I needed to get treatment immediately…
People Weekly:Did you start to suspect you were carrying the virus on April 3rd?Julia: I’m very sensitive, and my intuition is usually quite accurate. I know what I’ve done, and I don’t regret it at all. Love is pure and unadulterated. I don’t hate him; hatred is pointless now. I love him, I love him deeply.I’m 23 years old, and even in my worst-case scenario, I never imagined it would end like this. My life and destiny are now set in stone. I feel like I’m drifting further and further away from this world.

People Weekly:It starts snowing in your world.Julia: That feeling… I can’t act it out now (laughs). I went back to my apartment, stood by the window, and thought I could jump right away if I wanted to end my life. The school made me stay in the school guesthouse instead of the student dorms. That night was unforgettable; it was a thunderstorm with strong winds. I was so sleepy, but I just couldn’t close my eyes. We talked until midnight. My teacher was with me, but I didn’t tell the truth. I needed to face the terrible reality—I was terrified of losing my studies and being expelled.The school kept the results secret until June, afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Actually, when I finally found out the results, I didn’t react at all.People Weekly:What changes have you experienced in your body a year after you were diagnosed with the virus?Julia: I also got sick in early 2004. I had a fever once and felt completely weak. I guess that’s when the HIV virus started to take root in my body. Because we almost never used condoms.For the past year, I’ve been as healthy as an ox. HIV has been sleeping soundly in my body, not bothering me at all, and I’m no different from before. What has changed is my spirit and mentality. I’ve been living in a dark world.People Weekly:You have a romantic love story.
Julia: I met him as soon as I entered university. For the two years leading up to 2004, I felt like the happiest person in the world. The only thing I can’t forgive is that he didn’t tell me the truth; he didn’t even tell me the truth when he left. In fact, telling me would only confirm a fact that already existed. Perhaps he didn’t want me to bear pain too early.In September 2004, I asked a friend at the Institute of Materia Medica, Chinese Academy of Sciences, to check with the Chinese Foreign Affairs Department to see if Ma Lang had returned to China. Others dared not check because people would always ask why I was checking this person. I was really panicked and thought it would be better not to check at all, as it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.After it happened, everyone said I was foolish. I don’t think emotions need any embellishment. His strengths and weaknesses, his good and bad, are the most precious treasures in my memory. Although it was a tragedy, the experience was rich and colorful, and I spent the happiest time of my life there.

People Weekly:A beautiful process of falling in love.
Julia: (Laughs) Maybe it’s because my English is too good. If I didn’t know English, my life wouldn’t have changed so much. I’ve helped him so much—helped him communicate, helped him buy things, took him traveling. I guess I should blame myself for choosing language. Some people say, “You’re just making excuses.”This tragedy was of my own making. I enjoy associating with people who are better than me because I can learn a lot from their experiences and knowledge. One day, I was walking and chatting with my foreign language professor when he jokingly said, “I have a friend who used to have very poor English, but after finding a foreign boyfriend, her English improved rapidly.” I’ve kept this joke in my heart ever since. If there was any ulterior motive, it was that I wanted to use him to improve my English.We met in September 2002. I don’t easily fall for people. It’s hard for me to develop feelings; I need to be absolutely certain that it’s worth the effort. After meeting in September, we kept in touch by phone, but didn’t meet again until October. I was too afraid to go.We fell in love in March 2003. Whether it was dating or sex, this was my first experience. Traditional, right? A 22-year-old girl (laughs). My love was like any other Chinese girl’s; it wasn’t different because he was a foreigner. I was happy, relaxed, and fully engaged. For a Chinese girl, carrying an English book every day is such a tedious thing, but when you’re with a foreigner, every minute you’re with him feels like you’re improving, and it’s very relaxing.People Weekly:How does your teacher view your unusual behavior?Julia: On the afternoon of April 3, 2004, the Party Branch Secretary of the Department spoke with me in a large office. The silence was unsettling. He went on and on, talking until evening. He asked how my Halloween was, and if I had a foreign boyfriend. Finally, he asked how far things had progressed, whether we had had sex. I said no. He said, “Do you know he’s in the late stages of AIDS?” He had already realized it. He cried. I could see that the teacher cared for his students.The teacher asked me, “Don’t you hate him?” I said, “How painful it would be if a person’s mind were filled with hatred. Thinking more about love will make me feel better. What meaning does hatred have for me right now? I also know clearly that my time is limited; where would I find the time to hate?”People Weekly:The school treats you like a major threat; don’t they want to bear the burden of having an AIDS patient?Julia: I said, when it comes to comparing my personal life with the collective, which is more important? The school can weigh that. I don’t know if this is threatening them. I have freedom of speech; I can express my thoughts and make my demands, and of course you can refuse. At least I can speak my mind.People Weekly:What do your teachers and classmates think when you suddenly disappear from their sight?Julia: They all thought I went abroad. I’m a bit eccentric; they never doubt what I do. I was still very popular and successful at school. I would get up at 6 a.m. every morning to study English on campus, full of energy. Sometimes, when I didn’t have many classes, I would go shopping. I didn’t neglect my studies, and I managed to balance work and dating. I was once a probationary member of the Communist Party. There were 12 probationary members at the time, and I told the teacher that the students were too unprofessional. I said their self-criticism reports were all downloaded from the internet; could they be considered qualified Party members? Because after being infected, I could no longer join the Party. The Party Constitution doesn’t say that you can’t join the Party if you have HIV. Actually, in my heart, I already considered myself a qualified Communist Party member.

People Weekly:You have good friends in college. Can you imagine their reaction once they find out you are infected?
Julia: I never intended to tell them. If they find out someday through other means, they’ll still be terrified. They’ll remember the details of our time together, and I hope they’ll recall how I protected them in those small ways. Like at meals. I never took food from their plates, and I ate very little. I also pretended I was full. Being with them was painful for me. I couldn’t hurt their feelings.I hope that after reading the report, they will believe my sincerity and good intentions. They will never contract HIV from me. I also want to ask for their forgiveness: the reason I didn’t tell them was because I didn’t want to lose one of my few friends in this world.Panic is caused by our society. Society must bear this responsibility and has no reason to shirk it.People Weekly:Like everyone else, you dare not speak a single truth.Lying is your weapon to protect yourself.Julia: I wear a mask to bury my pain very, very deep, so that no one can see it.I often call my parents to ask how they are, and I playfully tell them about my happiest moments. If there aren’t any, I’ll make up some happy stories for them. I know what they need. In their eyes, they’re happy if I’m doing well and earning a lot of money. But I’m afraid they’ll notice the changes in my physical and mental state when I’m at home.Protecting myself like this is incredibly painful. Constantly using one sentence to cover up another, I’ve become an expert liar and a master of deception, a high-level actor. Lying is shameful, but our society hasn’t truly learned how to treat someone infected with the virus. I’m in agony, but I pretend to be cheerful. When the school notified my parents to come in, and I lied to them, my heart broke. I had to deceive them because this is China. My father isn’t President Mandela, and I’m not Mandela’s AIDS-stricken son.

It’s time. Now I’m going to tell everyone my story. I’m going to shed the burden of pretense.
People Weekly:If this kind of thing happens more and more often, will more students suffer the same fate as you?Julia: I’m fighting for the right to education, and I’m fighting for the rights of others. At local universities, as far as I know, there are several female students infected with HIV. I tried to find them, but they all vanished without a trace.People Weekly:If you wanted to speak to Chinese college students and young people, what would you most like to say?Julia: I am HIV infected, but my behavior was not out of line and did not conflict with Chinese moral values. Ultimately, the causes of today’s tragedy are multifaceted:First, the country’s medical system is imperfect, and the entry inspection of international students is not comprehensive.Secondly, the university should bear full responsibility, as the student was reportedly not examined due to the university’s negligence.What I want to say most is that I don’t object to dating, but you must control yourself. I hope that all college students across the country will have a clear understanding of sexual behavior.I want to tell young people in China that China has been sexually liberal for 20 years, it’s time to stop, and we should wake up.

People Weekly:Do you feel like there are many things you want to do but it’s too late?
Julia: Yes. There are many things I could do, but they wouldn’t mean anything to me, though they would be meaningful to others. If I could do something to help prevent and control AIDS in our country, and help people face it with a healthy mindset, then I would consider it an effort.I am revealing my identity to save healthy people, not for any particular AIDS patient. I want to prevent healthy people from encountering this enemy (HIV), which we cannot defeat right now. As an infected person with an uncertain future, I urge others to stay away from high-risk environments.People Weekly:You said that as a victim of the virus, you did not want to take revenge on anyone.Have you ever morally condemned yourself?Actually, you also have a knife in your hand.Julia: Revenge is a shameful means, regardless of what it is. It creates a vicious cycle and is unhealthy behavior. Just throw that knife away.People Weekly:Your life was once full of flowers.Julia: Life is short, why make it so complicated?
For someone who is clearly facing death, neither mountains of gold nor silver are important, nor does he need much care from society; what he truly needs is inner peace.I have also experienced despair, as if my soul had left my body. I would like to use a quote from Zhang Haidi to describe my attitude towards reality: “Fearless of life, fearless of death .”People Weekly:What do you think is the meaning and value of being alive now, or of life?Julia: I’m no longer qualified to talk about happiness and life. My happiness has vanished.People Weekly:Finally, there’s a cruel question: if AIDS threatens your life, how would you plan to end your life?Julia: As long as you’re happy, living for seven or eight years is enough.If I really die of AIDS, I want to live out the rest of my days perfectly. I don’t know if I can do that.Before I die, I must wear a beautiful outfit, have my hair styled, and put on heavy makeup. Standing in a WHO (World Health Organization) or other studio, I must loudly announce to the world:Julia’s tragedy is coming to an end! Preventing AIDS is our urgent duty!