The Hidden Pressure of Love and Intimacy in Rural Hometowns

“I’ve been working overtime until 2 a.m., and I want to leave Guangzhou.”

“Are you fucking coming back or not?”

At two in the morning, still half asleep, I roared at Datang on the other end of the phone.

Da Tang and I have been friends for many years. We rent apartments in the same community; I live upstairs and she lives downstairs.

That day, the power suddenly went out at home. Unable to find the switch, I had no choice but to call Datang.

The phone rang for a while before someone finally answered: “I’m working overtime at the company right now, so it’s not convenient. I’ll hang up now.”

Then came the dial tone of the call ending. The time displayed on the phone was 11 p.m. on Sunday.

This is the sixth day of extra work for Da Tang this week. The only day he didn’t work extra was when he made up an excuse about not feeling well.

Da Tang works as a clothing designer in a small company. Although he is called a designer, he is actually just a salesperson. He doesn’t have the five social insurances and one housing fund, nor does he have holidays or weekends off.

A year ago, Da Tang came to Guangzhou with dreams in her heart. She said there were many good designs here, and as long as she worked hard, she would definitely be able to shine here.

With exquisite makeup and stiletto heels, I chatted and laughed in the upscale CBD. Back then, still in the ivory tower, I was filled with longing for the urban life described by the Tang Dynasty.

But when I actually arrived here, I discovered that the so-called glamour of big cities was nothing more than a beautifully packaged Pandora’s box.

The urban village where Da Tang rented a place was chaotic, with poor sound insulation. The lights in the dark stairwell were always flickering. If he got off work late, he might even encounter a drunk man at the alley entrance.

But I never heard Da Tang complain about life until that night, when I woke up cold on her sofa and couldn’t help but yell at her, she finally broke down in tears on the phone.

She released all the grievances, pain, and struggles she had accumulated over the past year. Only then did I realize that everyone who loves life has been awakened by pain, and Da Tang was no exception.

The clock struck 3 a.m., and Da Tang returned home looking exhausted. She collapsed onto the sofa, remained silent for a long time, and then said, “I want to leave. I’ve had enough.”

Big cities are capitals of desire.

It is also a city of accumulated melancholy.

Who doesn’t talk about escaping Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen, yet dare not leave? The Tang Dynasty is just a microcosm of this.

Every year at the end of the year, some people always say they’re going home and will never come back, but when they actually go back and see the warmth and coldness of human relationships in a small city, they can’t help but buy a return ticket at the beginning of the year.

Some might ask, are big cities really that great? Are they worth all young people flocking to?

I went to university in a second-tier city. Before graduation, I faced a difficult choice: whether to go to Beijing, Shanghai or Guangzhou to work in the industry I like, or to return to my hometown, try to pass the civil service exam and live a stable life.

Ultimately, I withstood the pressure from my family and chose to come to the big city to make a living. However, once I arrived, I realized:

This city is so big that even the grandest dreams seem incredibly small.

The fierce competition completely crushed your pride in your small city.

The crowded subway during rush hour crushes your dreams to pieces;

The high rent and utility bills are making you want to give up;

You complain about the “illegal takeout” in news reports, yet you eat it day after day.

At first, it was always difficult. I encountered setbacks everywhere when looking for a job. When the pressure was at its worst, I even had trouble sleeping all night. After finally finding a satisfactory job, I was still worried about the future.

Because I can’t find anyone to talk to, I’ve gotten into the habit of sending my emotions to the “file transfer assistant” on WeChat. Knowing that I won’t get a response, I let all my feelings slowly sink in.

After half a year of living in Guangzhou, I’ve learned to make peace with loneliness. It’s not that I’ve integrated into this place, but rather that I don’t know where else to go.

This city comes and goes, always with those who want to settle down but remain adrift.

Your vision,

Influence your perspective

When John Lennon, the lead singer of The Beatles, was asked, “Why would a British band want to develop their career in America?”

His answer at the time was: “In the ancient Roman Empire, philosophers and poets went to Rome because it was the center of the world. We come to New York today because it is the center of the world.”

This probably explains why more and more young people are flocking to big cities.

You are free to choose your own group and communicate with like-minded friends. There is no absolute political correctness here. Whether you are male or female, or like the same sex or the opposite sex, no one minds or cares.

There is a line in the Gospel of John: “I was blind, but now I see.”

Only when people have truly seen how the world works can they form a mature “worldview”.

Regarding perspective, Luo Zhenyu once gave an example:

Two farmers were chatting together. One farmer boasted, “I’ve seen the Emperor’s Palace!” The other farmer asked, “What does the Emperor’s Palace look like?” The first farmer replied, “That Palace is amazing! There’s a fried dough stick shop on the left and a sesame seed cake shop on the right. The Emperor can come down and eat whichever he wants, and he doesn’t even have to pay!”

Just then, a man collecting manure by the roadside overheard this and said, “If I were the emperor, this manure-collecting fork would have to be made of gold, and I would be the sole recipient of all the manure collected from both sides of the road.”

They all thought that what they saw was the whole world, and this is the obstacle that a lack of perspective can cause.

Second and third-tier cities,

It can’t hold a soul at all

Using the same example from the beginning, Da Tang studied fashion design, which meant that if he wanted to find a place to use his skills, he had to be in a big city.

What would happen if I went back to a second- or third-tier city? I would most likely become a female worker in a garment factory production workshop.

Take artificial intelligence as another example. As of May 8, 2018, there were 4,040 artificial intelligence companies nationwide, of which 1,070 were in Beijing, accounting for 26%.

What does this example illustrate?

This illustrates that the most economically developed cities in China often nurture the future of the entire nation.

Large cities attract Fortune 500 companies, high-tech industries, and top talent, inevitably leading to rapid economic growth. Some people go bankrupt here, while others become rich overnight.

Just as gold prospectors first set foot on African soil, big cities became “cities of desire” for countless young people.

I’m not questioning whether second- and third-tier cities lack development potential; it’s just that the probability of success is much lower compared to big cities.

My parents are both born in the 1970s. People of their generation especially yearn for jobs within the system. In their eyes, even if you earn 10,000 yuan a month in a big city, it’s not as comfortable as a civil servant earning 3,000 yuan back in your hometown.

No matter how I explained to them that there is also a risk of “unemployment” within the system, they all felt that even if the sky were to fall, those within the system would die more slowly.

In this situation, can you deny that what they say is necessarily wrong? No, because in their minds, this is the ideal life.

All the anxieties in big cities

Even in small towns, there are low-end versions.

Some might argue that large cities have limited population capacity, and the natural law of survival of the fittest will eventually eliminate some people, who will then eventually migrate back to second- or third-tier cities.

Undeniably, the high cost of living and immense pressure can overwhelm young people. Many will find themselves facing the harsh realities of life in this land of hope, and then pack their bags and leave in despair.

But is life back in my hometown really that pleasant?

I have a relative who studied civil engineering in college and smoothly entered a real estate company in Beijing after graduation.

For the first two years, I was indeed very motivated and my salary increased rapidly, but in the third year, I encountered a bottleneck in my work and could not get promoted.

At this point, his family began to persuade him to go home, saying that there was a good position available at the local architectural design institute. After much consideration, his friend decided to return.

After returning, I often heard him complain that the work at the design institute was extremely boring, that he received very few projects throughout the year, and that his proposed cases were always rejected. He was out of step with everyone else, both in his speech and his actions.

Despite his family’s objections, he resolutely returned to the big city. He said that only here could he feel truly alive.

In other words, the pressure you face in small cities is similar to that in big cities, and because upward mobility is restricted in small cities, class stratification is more severe.

Choose a small town to grow old in.

It is the biggest lie

Big cities have their own way of life, and small towns have their own joys and sorrows.

Skyscrapers stand tall, traffic flows like a river, and the rules of this modern metropolis firmly bind the soul of the big city.

The paths crisscross, and the sounds of chickens and dogs fill the air; the warmth and human relationships of rural society still linger in the air above this small county town.

Big cities attract elites, while small cities are controlled by them. In big cities, whoever has the economic foundation is part of the superstructure, but in small towns, whoever holds the highest official position can lord it over others at dinner parties.

In big cities, the power to speak is gained through competition; in small counties, the power to speak is determined by who has the strongest connections.

Zhang San chased Li Si in the small county town. The two men got angry and called a bunch of relatives and friends to fight. But when they arrived, they found out that one of them was Director Zhao’s nephew and the other was Section Chief Li’s sister-in-law. The sister-in-law even had to apologize to her nephew.

Big cities have many different circles of drinking buddies, while in small towns everyone is in the same circle.

In a small county town, your high school classmate’s junior high school classmate turns out to be my elementary school classmate. In a small county town, your seventh aunt’s son is very likely to be my eighth aunt’s cousin.

Big cities can accommodate punk, opera, DINKs (double income, no kids), and singlehood, but small towns can’t stand your cosplay, tattoos, or mismatched social status. And because the circles are small, there are no secrets, and your unconventionality will be drowned out by gossip.

Big cities may be cruel and realistic, but they promote modern civilization. Small towns may seem stable and content on the surface, but they are actually a society where the lower classes harm each other.

In this small county town, there are never queues at banks or government offices; people just gather a group of people to cross the street and leave. And if the government announces demolition, farmland is immediately slated to be built with high-rises…

If Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen are China’s illusions, then small county towns are the true colors of China.

People often think that if they can’t make it in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, or Shenzhen, they can go back to their small county town. Little do they know that without connections or networks in a small county town, the sense of oppression they experience is no less than that in a big city.

In short, our generation is destined to migrate to cities; we can move forward and stay put, but there is no way to retreat.

Your choice

Determine the height of your life

I don’t mean to criticize any particular lifestyle. In fact, my classmates and friends who work in my hometown are all doing quite well now.

While I was working overtime until late at night, they were having a late-night snack with a group of people in a small county town;

While I had to stay home on the weekend to save money, they were lying on the sofa with their families watching TV;

While I was agonizing over whether to buy a ticket home during the holidays, they had already traveled all over the beautiful landscapes of our motherland…

I once subtly asked a friend from my hometown if he regretted choosing to return home to work right after graduation.

She paused and said:

“I’ve simply experienced what you’ll be living in the future ahead of time. “

One hit.

In the dog-eat-dog world of society, we will all eventually have nowhere to escape. Young people in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen will always face the question of “home”.

From the perspective of new media, most articles about “escaping Beijing, Shanghai, and Guangzhou” have gone viral, which shows that in these most brutal cities, countless young people are eating takeout, taking sleeping pills, and clamoring to leave this “ghost place,” while gritting their teeth and persevering with heavy burdens.

People who choose big cities wander half their lives for their so-called dreams, swiping their credit cards while showing off their “refined” lives on social media;

Those who choose small cities yearn for a life without ups and downs, for someone to stand with them at dusk, for home-cooked meals that are still warm, while simultaneously letting their dreams wither away and pretending to be “content”…

There is no superiority or inferiority between the two lifestyles; they are simply different choices. Trying to persuade each other is foolish.

But if you were to ask me which lifestyle I prefer, I would answer without hesitation: Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen.

Because I firmly believe that people shouldn’t stay in their “comfort zone” for too long, and the best way to stay young is to challenge yourself.

Even in the end, no matter what the reason for leaving, I hope we can all face ourselves with equanimity: we were in the best years of our lives and saw the most beautiful fireworks.

As Hemingway said: If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you.

May you live up to your youthful years and return to your former self.

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The Hidden Pressure of Love and Intimacy in Rural Hometowns