Middle-Class Couples Hire 90s Intimacy Coaches

Indeed, she is beautiful, but not the fair-skinned, slender beauty of traditional aesthetics.

Her skin was wheat-colored, her body had a rhythmic and dynamic physique, and her voice was a deep yet energetic husky voice. What truly drew attention was not just her appearance, but rather an aura of uninhibited self-expression and generosity.

She showed none of the awkwardness and shame often associated with discussing sex; instead, she exuded a frankness that said, “We should talk about sex and love in the open.”

Ronan, a woman born in the 1990s, has been working in sex education and as a sex therapist for over four years. Her fans jokingly call her “the only person in this circle who seems to have a sex life,” implying that Ronan is a sexually attractive woman.

In 2017, after completing her professional studies, including the AASECT (American Society for Sexual Education and Counseling) international credit certification, Ronan returned to China and began her work in sex education.

No profession is quite like sex therapist, which has such high demand yet is so fraught with taboos.

Despite the dramatic shifts in sexual attitudes today, sexual anxiety among young people continues to rise. According to a survey by sex sociologist Pan Suiming, from 2000 to 2015, among married or cohabiting young people, the proportion of men who reported a lack of sexual interest rose from 4.8% to 12.1%, while the proportion of women rose from 12.8% to 27.3%. The “2021 Young People’s Sexual Life Report” released by the Post-Wave Research Institute shows that “insufficient skills” is among the top three sources of sexual anxiety for both men and women.

We are curious about how “sex mentors,” who use sex skills instruction as a starting point and attempt to improve communication between men and women through the popularization of sex knowledge, actually carry out their work.

We spoke with Ronansie about the intimate stories of young people in bed that she knows, as well as the joys and sorrows of this emerging profession.

True sexiness lies in physical focus.

Actually, the work of a sex coach is not mysterious. My current work mainly consists of three parts: developing online sex skills courses, offline sex-themed workshops, and individual sex counseling.

My personal favorite part is the in-person workshops, because it allows me to interact with real, tangible people and see the subtle changes in each person’s body and emotions.

Regarding foreplay, we once conducted a survey among our fans. A very interesting phenomenon was that 91.7% of people believed that foreplay would improve the quality of sex and make it easier for them to reach orgasm. However, only 47% of people regularly engage in foreplay, and more than 50% of people believed that although foreplay is important, they simply do not engage in it.

This is quite interesting. Some couples have come to me for counseling. For example, one husband said he really doesn’t like foreplay, finding it physically troublesome, but his wife always gets angry, feeling he doesn’t respect her enough and that she’s being treated like a tool. The two argue endlessly about this, even to the point of considering divorce.

This involves communication between men and women regarding their sex life. In the “Immersive Foreplay Experience Workshop,” we have a stimulating segment called “Men and Women Sharing Their Least Favorite Foreplay Methods.”

Typically, each workshop has 20 to 30 participants, with men and women making up about half. Most are strangers, but occasionally couples come together. I have the men and women stand in separate rows, facing each other, and pour out their grievances.

The atmosphere at this time is usually relaxed and subtle, but it allows everyone to overcome the shame about sex, express their true preferences, and at the same time consider the feelings of the other person from the perspective of the opposite sex.

Do some people genuinely dislike foreplay? Actually, they just haven’t found the right approach. Everyone has their own standard for foreplay. For me, before physical contact, a glance, a word, a touch—this gradual process of getting closer to the other person counts as foreplay.

In our experiential workshop, we designed “five senses exercises” to awaken participants’ senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch through methods such as “reading, wax dripping, gentle stroking, rope binding, toys, and massage.”

For example, people would work in pairs, with one person blindfolded and focusing all their attention on other bodily sensations. The other person would gently brush their arm with a feather, or drip warm wax on the back of their neck, or tie their hands with ropes, tight or loose.

I will also ask everyone to bring a common household item: toothbrush, tissue, or cotton swab. The different textures of these items can all be helpful in stimulating desire.

At this moment, every subtle sensation in your body will be amplified, and your body will honestly tell you what you like and dislike. Is it the stimulation of the whip, the heartbeat when you are tied up, or the electric shock feeling when someone gently touches the instep with their fingertips? I will encourage everyone to express their feelings.

The purpose of this is to activate the radar of people’s bodies. Modern people are very rational and often so busy that their brain bandwidth is insufficient, but their bodies become dull and insensitive. Sex is a way for humans to return to their primal bodily sensations.

I remember one guy sharing before class saying, “I admit I’m a chauvinist, I just wanted to see what this place is all about.” After class, he changed his tune: “This is really something, it turns out that physical focus is the real sexiness.” Nobody expected someone who seems so rough around the edges to say something so philosophical, it’s quite endearing.

In an era that values efficiency above all else, people seem to be increasingly impatient when it comes to sex. People are becoming less focused, and fewer and fewer are able to give their partners prolonged, attentive caresses. Some are like machines, never looking into their partner’s eyes; others are constantly checking their phones. I often think, if you can’t utilize your five senses, why don’t you just buy an inflatable doll or a toy? The sensations might come faster and more intensely that way. Only when you can feel the subtle touches and slow, lingering moments with another person can you truly enjoy the pleasure of focused attention.

So rather than calling our workshops “sex workshops,” you could also call them “body workshops .” Our company is called MyBodyKnows because the body is the best teacher.

Start with curiosity and non-resistance.

I am able to work in sex education as if driven by a primal life force.

I studied drama in college, but I never thought about becoming an actress. Because I’m dark-skinned and not particularly thin, I don’t fit the traditional Chinese aesthetic of fair and delicate skin, and I’m unwilling to distort my body just to look good on camera.

During my junior year of college, I happened to attend a sex toy workshop in the United States. The instructor introduced various sex toys and how to use essential oils. Then, we were divided into small groups to experience different sex toys and share our past experiences. A lot of knowledge about physiological structure and sexual health was interspersed throughout the process.

It touched me deeply at the time. When faced with these taboo cultural issues, I found myself to have some curiosity and a non-resistant attitude.

After returning to China, I came to Shenzhen and started working on some women’s community projects. That was in 2016. I discovered that very few people in China used tampons at the time. I wanted to use applicator tampons, but nobody knew what they were. This gave me the opportunity to start sharing sex education content.

Later, several cosmetic surgery clinics approached me to conduct erotic training camps, providing sexual techniques courses for their female members. I was surprised to find that there was a significant demand for this among women in their 30s and 40s, and some of them had very distorted views on sex.

For example, they ask, “My husband has premature ejaculation. Is it my problem? Am I not good enough? How can I improve my technique?” Chinese women have relatively low sexual self-esteem. When problems arise in their sex life, most women’s first reaction is self-blame, or they hope to save their marriage, which is on the verge of collapse, by improving their sex life.

From 2017 to 2018, I began intensive training in “human sexuality” both domestically and internationally, including human sexuality at the University of Southern California and international certification as a sex therapist at the East-West Institute of Human Sexuality in New York.

I used to be a person who didn’t like reading much, but after studying human sexuality, I realized that it was definitely a problem with the choice of subject and the teaching method. Learning Chinese and math by rote in school is really not suitable for me. For me, that is just knowledge that is often left untouched and forgotten. But human sexuality is not just simple knowledge, but a kind of wisdom. It integrates me into every aspect of my life and into my relationship with people and with nature.

When the professor talked about gender issues, for the first time I stepped out of my child’s perspective and looked at my parents as a man and a woman, and the problems in their relationship. I used to treat my father very badly, but I gradually came to understand that society gives men fewer outlets to show their vulnerability. Women might be able to cry, vent, or complain on social media, but men mostly have to remain silent.

In 2019, I officially established a company in Shenzhen, determined to make sex education and the development of sexual potential a long-term career. Before that, my parents always thought I had “gone astray”.

In the various cases I’ve encountered, most people’s concerns are primarily technical. For example, men’s questions always revolve around “how to last longer, how to make their partner more satisfied,” while women mostly obsess over the issue of orgasm, as if they feel they are not a complete woman without an orgasm.

Since everyone likes the way sex techniques are presented, I think my work will start from that point. While practical issues of sex are very attractive, they are only superficial. I will incorporate content on sexual physiology, sexual sociology, and sexual psychology, using physical perception and training methods, with the ultimate goal of improving the sexual confidence and sexual personality of both men and women.

It is free, and it is sexy.

I insist on using body awareness and training methods because I have personally experienced the immense power of the body during my learning process.

The first time was at a sex workshop by a German scientist. He invited a student to come up and demonstrate a physical movement, and I was the first to rush up.

He had prepared a thick mattress on the floor and had me lie flat, raising my legs alternately to 90 degrees, then continuously slapping the floor with them. Less than two minutes later, for no apparent reason, I became emotional, slapping the floor while crying, from sobbing to uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. Directly above my head was a round incandescent light bulb, which flashed back to my painful experience of miscarriage in the hospital, where I lay in a hospital bed under the same incandescent light.

Some repressed emotions I thought I had forgotten, but in a specific environment and with specific guidance, those emotions would suddenly burst forth from my body. The emotional fluctuations lasted for about half an hour. After calming down, both my body and mind felt a tremendous release, and that feeling of ease allowed me to rediscover my awareness of my body.

The second instance was during a girl group class in Thailand, where the teacher led the girls to construct a simulated “birth canal” using their bodies. A dozen or so girls knelt side-by-side, their bodies facing forward and hands on the ground, leaving a narrow space between their arms and bodies. One person would then crawl forward through this arched passage, the girls gently swaying their bodies and making a soft buzzing sound, simulating the birth of a new life within a woman’s birth canal. Everyone had to experience this effort of crawling forward until they passed through the “birth canal” and completed their “birth.”

In this simple physical exercise, everyone feels differently; some feel sadness, some feel joy, and the body acts as a bridge to help you connect with your own deepest feelings.

Later, after a period of physical training, when I was able to control and appreciate my body freely, I unintentionally invented an improvisational dance, which I call “Dance of the Wild Enchantress”.

I’ve never had formal dance training, only occasionally taking a couple of Bachata classes. When I naturally open my arms and sway my hips to the mesmerizing music, immersing myself in the moment, I feel free and sensual.

Later, when my dance videos were posted online, I discovered that so many people liked my body movements and even wanted to learn them. So I added body movement elements to my girl group classes, but my initial intention wasn’t to make everyone dance sexy or beautiful. It was simply to follow instructions and move rhythmically. For example, I would ask the girls to thrust their hips forward and backward, doing some movements they wouldn’t normally be able to do freely. If some of them tried to do sexy hip twists, I would stop them. I wanted them to break free from the gaze of others in society and first learn to be comfortable with their bodies.

Many students ask me how to enhance their sexual attractiveness. I can only tell them that maintaining good health and being able to confidently display their bodies will allow their sexual attractiveness to shine through from the inside out.

I will tell him when I have a child

Mom is doing something very valuable.

Interestingly, although all participants came from first-tier cities, those from Beijing, Shanghai, and Shenzhen had completely different styles. The Shenzhen participants were particularly playful, curious about new things, and had a certain roguish charm; the Shanghai participants were slightly more reserved, pursuing a deeper understanding of mind, body, and spirit; while the Beijing participants were like model students, each one extremely attentive in class, eager to jot down every skill learned in a notebook and apply it to other situations.

Actually, being a sex therapist is a profession that’s quite discouraging. If you’re looking to make money in this field, I suggest you consider other options. The industry is currently rife with problems, and you’ll face a lot of external pressure and misunderstanding, including from your closest family and friends.

Sometimes when I’m in a bad mood, I worry that this job will ultimately not earn the respect of my loved ones or mainstream society. The differences caused by our different backgrounds, cultures, education, and levels of openness are difficult to resolve at their root.

Even though I have helped so many people, I still feel a lack of self-worth.

But all I can do is continue this career. If a guy is bothered by this, he’s unlikely to become my boyfriend.

I also think about how I would share what I do with my child if I had him. I can guarantee that he will be a child who receives good sex education from a young age. One day when he has an adult mindset, I will proudly tell him that his mother is doing something very valuable.

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Middle-Class Couples Hire 90s Intimacy Coaches