Let’s Open Up About Women’s Innate Physical Needs

This issue of growing up has troubled me for a long time. Now that I’m 31, I can finally talk about sex openly without feeling ashamed. When I was younger, I was embarrassed to talk about it, even more embarrassed to ask. My friends would just gloss over it with “that,” and no one told me how to deal with the “terrible” period of desire before and after menstruation. If women could face their desires honestly, perhaps they wouldn’t confuse love with physical needs.

Many female friends have told me they genuinely don’t have the need. I believe them. Living in a purely media-driven era, where low-cut clothing had to cover a small area before being published, and where intimate scenes in movies and TV shows were cut to pass censorship, our understanding of love has been limited to: the male and female leads are in love, they kiss, and that’s considered a happy ending—they can have children. Sex education has been neglected; we’re expected to figure it out ourselves as adults.

Every girl’s growth is like that of a rose, from bud to full bloom. Before life fades, a woman blossoms many times. The first blossoming should be a woman’s “first” journey of exploration into physiology and love.

During my self-exploration of sex education in my early twenties, I endured immense mental pressure, afraid to share my confusion with conservative family and friends, with “slut-shaming” constantly flashing through my mind. Reflecting on my senior year relationship and discovering my own desires, I was trapped in the feeling of “I am a freak” and “I am a bad girl,” living an extremely awkward life in a dormitory with four conservative girls in bunk beds, hiding my desires that could erupt at any moment.

Boys are much more open about “self-pleasure.” They start exploring this with their friends from adolescence, and because they know more, they often become the “sex knowledge experts” in the boys’ world. Girls, on the other hand, are always shy and reserved. At least in my regular humanities class, I only realized after graduation that high school girls’ relationships were not as simple as I had imagined.

Desires, if not developed, are indeed dispensable. If a girl doesn’t have her own room, she can’t understand her own desires. This room should be far away from her parents, otherwise someone might push the door open at any time, and with enough safe family companionship, these desires will indeed be sealed away and never awakened.

The funniest thing is that my childhood friend, who loved beauty and had suitors for a long time, also started experiencing sexual awakening around the age of 19. She had a live-in boyfriend and her social circle consisted mostly of art students and people in media, so naturally, they were more open-minded. Everyone assumed her private life was chaotic, but it wasn’t. Her insecurity stemmed from being sexually frigid. She was indifferent to sex and didn’t react to it. This made her feel out of place in her circle, which actually caused her a lot of distress.

My distress in my twenties is that most of the people around me are single, and even my couples never talk about sex, as if no one needs it. Is it really unnecessary? I’ve heard so many cases of husbands cheating on their wives during pregnancy. The husband is definitely at fault, but why is infidelity so common during pregnancy, and why is it the primary reason for most marriage breakdowns?

When a partner’s sexual attraction diminishes, intimacy fades. Some people can endure a sexless marriage, while others cannot. The one who cannot endure it craves the security of a partner’s presence while simultaneously being driven by physical needs, thus initiating a new “exploration mode.” Within a marriage, initiating this exploration mode becomes even more costly, and the moral constraints only become heavier.

So, thinking about it this way, starting my exploratory phase in my twenties was actually the right thing to do. It’s better to enter marriage with zero experience and then start questioning and exploring, which is a bit too late. I want to tell women that having no sexual experience in your twenties makes you particularly vulnerable to illness, and it also makes you lack principles, such as not insisting that your partner use protection, which is wrong. And being open-minded doesn’t mean putting yourself in an insecure mode of exploration. For example, not starting an exploratory phase with your partner on the first meeting.

Therefore, any exploratory behavior must be preceded by understanding the other person.

I have a female friend from Beijing who’s very outgoing. One weekend, she went drinking with her girlfriends and took a liking to a guy. Ignoring her female friends, she went to a nearby hotel to “explore the new world.” The next day, she was covered in bruises and had to call her female friend from the previous night to get him to come pick her up. Being open-minded has its limits; the premise is protecting yourself.

In the three years since I’ve had my boyfriend, our intimacy has become less sensitive, and my perspective has changed: while sexual harmony is important for intimate relationships, even the most harmonious relationships can become tiresome after a while. Especially when our physiological needs don’t align, the importance of self-pleasure in our twenties becomes apparent.

I’m not interested today, buddy, you can either take care of it yourself.

I’m interested today, but I’d like to handle this myself, so I hope you guys don’t mind.

This is a conversation we have every day; it’s a bit blunt, but that’s really how it is.

Female sexual pleasure and orgasm can be categorized into two types: clitoral and vaginal. Vaginal pleasure is more difficult to achieve, while clitoral pleasure is easier. Furthermore, the fastest way to achieve orgasm is with a sex toy, not a boyfriend.

This real-world experience is a genuine feeling that I gained through 10 years of trial and error.

Is my romantic mindset in my twenties due to an inability to distinguish between physical needs? Or is it because I’m tormented by desires and feel lonely exploring alone, thus having a strong need for emotional companionship?

My current understanding is that it is a combination of both physical and psychological life.

I question why adult websites that cater to adult gratification are banned outright. I believe these websites serve as outlets for adults’ physiological needs to some extent, and have a certain positive effect. However, recently, while browsing TikTok in Germany, I’ve noticed a lot of mixed quality. Many attractive women read illogical stories with explicit sexual descriptions, and these get a lot of likes. Suddenly, I understand why they’re banned in China—they’re too difficult to manage.

I recently watched a video of a girl in a hoodie talking to her father. The three-year-old girl was upset because her grandfather couldn’t nap with her. Her father patiently guided her, helping her understand that her grandfather, who has high blood pressure, needs to sleep alone, and they eventually found a solution. This made me reflect on my own parenting of kindergarten children. I often let them go out to their rooms to be quiet when they misbehave, just for the sake of easy management.

Educating children step by step is difficult and time-consuming; prohibition is the simplest way.

Family members and teachers roughly snatched the money-making toys from the two children’s hands, saying, “You are forbidden to play with this toy because you always get into arguments with other children when you play with it. So, it’s over. No discussion allowed.”

Prohibition is the simplest solution. It avoids discussion and ambiguity, and prevents people from skirting the law, taking photos without permission, or forcing others to be photographed, thus preventing illegal activities.

Even as adults, we live like children in a forbidden environment, innocently, naively, and without desire.

This is so much like the heroine in the story of the rose. She is naive and innocent, growing up surrounded by the love of her family and brother, and the pampering of everyone. When she meets a man who is kind to her, and he tries to please her a little, she will give up everything and fall completely in love.

Perhaps this is a good thing for most people who are used to simplicity, or maybe I’m just too naive. My male friends say they’ve long since found their own adult corner. Everyone just doesn’t bother to discuss it; recent graduates are overwhelmed by overtime, career, and the future. Their greatest entertainment is probably just getting a good night’s sleep after get off work.

The adult world is about doing things quietly, without saying a word. It’s a pity that I, a newly adult, struggled so much, feeling lost and alone as I groped my way through life. But thankfully, now I’ve controlled my desires, learned to please myself, and distinguished between the physical and emotional needs in a relationship. I also understand that passion alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

Every time I write an article like this, I get a flood of private messages from men wanting to hook up. It’s really tough on you guys; you have nowhere to vent your frustrations, and you’ll try anything at the slightest opportunity. What I’m really looking forward to is talking to girls about their own periods of self-discovery—were they also this awkward?

If a woman understands her own physiological needs and learns to please herself, she will definitely have a clearer understanding of her place in a relationship and be in a more proactive position. Because in intimate relationships, knowing what you want, what makes you happy, and what doesn’t resonate with you, makes it harder for others to manipulate you.

While others may take off their pants and leave, you can put on your skirt and continue swaying. In this adult game, no one is at a disadvantage. At first, we don’t understand the rules, what we want, or what the other person can offer, so it’s normal to confuse love with playing a game. This is also part of self-growth. I wish you all understand yourselves, don’t feel ashamed, understand your own physical desires and psychology, and then try to understand others.

May you experience less loneliness and more self-reconciliation.

Learn your flowering season early so you can bloom to your fullest when it’s time to bloom.