Intimacy Compatibility Makes or Breaks Couples

Harmony in sexual life is not something you are born with, but something you can achieve through effort. The key is communication, and there’s no need to feel ashamed to talk about it.
Mr. Zhang, a 29-year-old who returned from studying in the United States, is 178 cm tall and has a strong physique. He often goes to the gym and has well-developed muscle lines. He exudes a masculine aura and has a handsome face, giving people a sunny feeling.
When Mr. Zhang entered the consultation room, he wasn’t very talkative, which seemed a bit out of place with his appearance. So I asked, “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“I wonder if I married the wrong person. I keep thinking about my ex-girlfriend and comparing her to my wife, which often leads to arguments. But I still love her, so the situation is complicated. I want to know what I should do or what choice is right.”
I told him in a very tactful tone that I couldn’t tell him what to do because, as a responsible therapist, I shouldn’t make decisions for my clients. Our job is to help him analyze the problem, analyze himself, find out what he truly wants, or what his real motivation is behind the problem, or whether it’s not the real problem but something else.
After getting to know his wife better, I found that she didn’t have any bad qualities. Mr. Zhang also found it strange, so he kept thinking about whether the problem lay with him.
When I asked about their sex life, Mr. Zhang initially replied, “It’s alright,” but when asked about his feelings, he said with a slightly heavy tone that he was actually a little disappointed. “She is like a dead fish!” he said, using the English proverb to describe his wife as being like a dead fish.
He further explained his meaning: during intercourse, his wife was always very passive, silent and expressionless, while he desired a passionate response and alluring moans from her. He longed for a wild passion from her, not a one-sided, fiery passion from him while his wife remained cold and indifferent. He always initiated sexual relations, hoping his wife would also take the initiative, as this would excite him even more.
When I asked him if he had talked to his wife about this, he thought that he could reach orgasm every time, so there shouldn’t be any problem. Besides, his wife was not bad, and he shouldn’t criticize her. Moreover, this kind of thing was difficult to talk about, so he had never mentioned it to her.
When I directly asked him about his sexual relationship with his ex-girlfriend, he smiled and said, “Very fulfilling!”
He was surprised to discover that this was the reason he still missed his ex-girlfriend, and also the reason he always felt closer to her. Mr. Zhang proactively proposed a new counseling goal: “I want to have a harmonious sex life with my wife!”
Sex requires communication, and even more so, learning.
The Book of Rites summarizes the essence of marriage as “the union of two surnames” and “serving the ancestral temple above and continuing the lineage below.” In short, it serves two purposes: sex and procreation. Therefore, sex holds a crucial position in marital relationships, and harmonious sexual relations are closely related to marital happiness.
An American lawyer specializing in divorce cases once calculated that 90% of divorces stem from unsatisfactory sex lives. He believes that if a couple’s sex life is fulfilling, everyday frictions can be easily resolved; conversely, couples who are incompatible sexually may quarrel and divorce over trivial matters. On the surface, the reason for divorce appears to be disagreement, but in reality, an incompatible sex life is the trigger for marital breakdown.
First, abandon the outdated notion of never discussing sex.
In Chinese culture and tradition, sex is considered a private matter between husband and wife, and the experience of sexual intercourse is rarely discussed, even between the couple themselves, especially by the woman. Therefore, only the “rites of passage” and “marital relations” are fulfilled. The pleasure of intercourse is considered merely a fantasy, something found in novels and dramas. In reality, married couples should not act this way; instead, they should communicate openly, understand each other, and find mutual satisfaction. A Western proverb aptly states: “Length and hardness are not as important as your attitude; tightness and moisture are not as important as your temperature.” Sex is, in essence, physical exchange and also a form of effective communication.
Secondly, understand the gender differences between men and women and take care of each other’s needs.
Both men and women have sexual needs, but they differ greatly in many aspects, including physiology and psychology. Men are easily stimulated by visual stimuli; seeing a woman’s body, celebrity photos, pictures, or watching pornography can easily arouse their sexual desire, prompting them to immediately seek sexual satisfaction. Women’s sexual responses are quite different. They are not easily aroused or stimulated by visual stimuli alone. They need to trust and enjoy their partner’s company, engage in conversation in a safe and romantic atmosphere, and feel cared for and cherished. Gradually, they will be guided by their husband’s warm affection to arouse sexual interest. Then, with their husband’s affectionate embrace and relaxed atmosphere, they can gradually stimulate their erogenous zones, eventually leading to orgasm. Furthermore, there are monthly fluctuations in sexual activity due to menstruation.
Third, sex requires learning, and both partners need to be self-aware enough to learn and improve.
Masters and Johnson (1970) made significant progress in the treatment of sexual dysfunction, and their two principles are now widely used by clinicians. Sexual activity occurs within the context of an intimate relationship, and for committed partners, both should participate in therapy, even if only one of them has a problem.
In the United States, Hurlbert and Apt implemented an enrichment program in 1995 for women who had difficulty achieving orgasm during intercourse. These women and their partners participated in eight weeks of 90-minute sessions. The first four sessions included general topics. The latter four sessions focused on teaching sexual techniques to both men and women: adjustments to intercourse or direct masturbation. Although there are currently no such courses in China, couples can learn together through books, audio-visual materials, and open communication to improve their skills.
In short, during intimate moments and sexual pleasure, couples should communicate openly, cherish each other, and find mutual satisfaction in their relationship, thereby enhancing overall satisfaction.
Mr. Zhang’s main problem is that he is not fully satisfied in his sexual relationship with his wife, but he is afraid to tell her. As a result, this dissatisfaction will unconsciously transfer to other aspects of life, such as daily interactions.
Disharmony in sexual life is one of the common causes of marital problems. Although not every couple’s sexual problems are like the situation in this case, sometimes it is caused by the husband being hasty and disregarding the other’s feelings, leading to the wife’s dissatisfaction, or other situations. In short, disharmony in sexual life will indeed project the resulting negative emotions onto other aspects of life to some extent. Therefore, dissatisfaction with disharmony in sexual life must be addressed first in order to eliminate the marital problems caused by it.
The first thing to do is to help Mr. Zhang establish healthy sexual values and attitudes, letting him know that talking about sex and his sexual desires is not shameful. Secondly, he should proactively communicate with his wife, and he needs to learn communication skills. Instead of pointing out her shortcomings, he should express his own needs to avoid upsetting her and achieve better communication.
It’s best to make one request at a time, rather than multiple requests at once, and affirm your wife’s response. You can then ask for her opinion and accommodate her requests. This way, both partners can empathize, improve their sexual experience, and achieve a state of perfect harmony.
Mr. Zhang followed my advice, and although his wife was cooperative, she was initially hesitant, perhaps due to personal beliefs or unfamiliarity. With my encouragement, he persisted with the change plan, and the situation eventually changed completely, leading to a very intimate and harmonious sex life.

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Intimacy Compatibility Makes or Breaks Couples