How Long Can Sexual Desire Last in an Extramarital Affair?

Hello, Huoyang:
I wrote you a letter a few years ago, and you replied that I shouldn’t divorce my husband if he still has economic value.
I’m 44 this year, my husband is two years older, and we have a son who’s about to enter high school. I talk about these things calmly now, unlike the depression, hatred, and pain I felt a few years ago. I think I’m a bit weak-willed and kind. I’m not bad-looking, just average, and I’ve maintained a decent figure. I look young.
Let me put it simply. My husband’s family background is quite poor; they live in a rural area, and his parents couldn’t offer him any help. So he worked very hard to change his fate, got into university, and even had to borrow money to finish it. I met him after he graduated and started working; I also happened to have graduated from university in the same city as him.
My family is from a small county town, but we haven’t experienced much hardship. My parents didn’t financially burden me, and I have an older brother. Our family is much better off than his. We dated for a year, but due to my family’s opposition—because his family was so poor and had nothing—I, being young and love-struck, decided to just get a marriage certificate.
The reason I was attracted to him back then was because I hadn’t attended a full-time university, which I regretted. He had graduated from university, and I had to find a full-time university graduate. On the other hand, I was young and had never had a boyfriend before, so I was very attached to relationships.
He worked very hard. We started by renting a place and eventually bought a house and a car in Z city, even though we took out a loan. He also managed the money and asked me to deposit all my money with him. I worked hard during those years and never saved any money for myself. Later, we had a son.
He was emotionally unstable, belittled me, attacked me, and committed domestic violence countless times. Once, when I refused to have sex with him, he slapped me. Another time, he threw a book in my face. Yet another time, he kicked me off the bed when I refused.
For many years, I lacked self-confidence, believing myself to be inadequate. I always tried to improve myself to please him. Later, I discovered that he thought I was good; when he was happy, he would praise me like a flower, and when he thought I was bad, he would belittle me, making me feel worthless. After the domestic violence, he would act as if nothing had happened. Before my emotions had even subsided, he would try to appease me. The domestic violence did not cause any obvious physical harm.
He’s a chatterbox, always repeating the same thing over and over again. He’s also a clean freak, showering every day. I especially hate the kind of person who targets you personally, belittling you over every little thing, but that’s just how he is. I prefer communication that focuses on the issue, not the person. Actually, if you discover a man is emotionally unstable before marriage, or if he’s hit you once, no matter how outstanding he is, stay away. This is a lesson learned!
Later, he came to work in a first-tier city, and my child and I came too. After years of hard work, we bought a house and a car in the first-tier city with a loan. We didn’t have enough for the down payment, so my dad helped us financially, but I later asked him to pay it back.In the past, when his mother was sick, I would go back to my hometown to take her to the hospital. Later, I stopped caring about his family’s affairs and grew cold towards him. I no longer cared about anything related to his family.
I think he’s cheated on me, at least multiple times. Once, I was home, and he was chatting with someone on QQ. He started thinking the other person was a woman, but then that same QQ account called and yelled at him—it was a man’s voice, which I overheard. Another time, my son was playing on his phone, and he sent me a screenshot of a woman texting him, saying, “Come on over if you want, it’s not like we haven’t met before.”
He was always finding fault with me, saying I couldn’t do this or that well, that I was useless, and that I didn’t earn money. Even during sex, when I asked him to wear a condom, he refused, saying he would only put one on after I ejaculated. But I still got pregnant, resulting in three consecutive years of abortions. During my last pregnancy, because I was 35, the doctor said I could consider keeping the baby at that age.
I was initially considering whether to keep the baby, but I had severe morning sickness, nausea, and couldn’t eat. He accused me of faking it, so I ultimately decided against it. The physical and emotional helplessness and insecurity I felt, the desire to change things but the inability to do so , all contributed to my anxiety. My aversion to him during intimacy, coupled with my limited financial resources and the burden of raising a child, made me very anxious. I even developed severe depression, crying frequently. At night, I would sleep next to him, silently shedding tears, afraid to cry out loud for fear of his hurtful words.
At my worst, I wouldn’t say a word all day, would cry at the drop of a hat, and almost committed suicide. But in my most desperate moment, I thought of my parents. I felt sorry for them. At that time, I was raising my child alone and had no money. Sometimes my parents would secretly support me financially.
At that time, I had nowhere to confide in about my distress, so I told an older sister. She asked him why he hit me, and he actually said it was because his parents also hit me, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it; he said it was to discipline me. He was so suspicious. I wrote two guarantees, but they were useless.
In severe cases, if he didn’t see me when he got home, he would call me. Once, when I got home, he even made me take off my underwear so he could check it. Honestly, all these experiences have left me with hatred and a desire for revenge. If any man shows interest in me, I want to get back at him.
My child was in elementary school when I met a client at work who was the same age as my husband. Although he lived in another city, I was severely depressed at that time, feeling powerless against reality. I wanted to leave my husband but couldn’t abandon my child, and I didn’t have the financial means. I called my mother, who said it was my own choice back then. I felt like I had nowhere to go.
I had no one else to talk to, so I started having contact with G at work. G helped me achieve good results at work, and I would sometimes call or message G on WeChat. G would comfort me and act as my emotional dumping ground. Because of his work, he had to go on business trips several times a year. After meeting G a few times, about two years after we met, I still had sex with him despite my restraint.
At that time, I felt like I was sick, and G was my cure. If it weren’t for G’s companionship, I felt I would either have a mental breakdown or commit suicide. Actually, G was quite busy with work. I developed a fear of men, and G said he would give me three months to consider it. He agreed to divorce my husband, move to his city, and if I could have another child, we could have one. Alternatively, I could stay with my husband and not leave him at all.
Because I feel so weak, I thought that if I had no money or ability, I’d just keep falling into one pit after another. Why would anyone like me? I was conflicted, wanting to change but feeling powerless, and uncertain about the future, not knowing what awaited me. Three months later, I still hadn’t been able to give him a straight answer.
Later, I mentioned wanting to change careers, and someone suggested I take a certification exam. I asked G, and G encouraged me to take it. I’ve been out of school for over fifteen years, and taking the exam now would be a huge challenge for me. But G encouraged me, saying that if one year isn’t enough, two years might be, and if two years isn’t enough, three years is, and I shouldn’t feel pressured. However, having experienced the ordeal of my marriage, I desperately want to change, to live life to the fullest. I know I can only rely on myself, I can only believe in myself! I think if I had a lot of money, I would definitely leave my husband.
At first, my husband discouraged me, saying it was impossible for me. The year the pandemic broke out, I had to stay home, so I enrolled in classes and wrote down ten reasons why I would pass to motivate myself. After six months of hard work studying over a dozen courses, I passed them all on my first try. Then I successfully entered a company, although the salary wasn’t high, but I continued my studies to get a bachelor’s degree (I graduated three years later), and two years later I passed another certification exam on my first attempt.
Over the past four years, I’ve grown from being emotionally vulnerable to becoming stronger, and my salary has gradually increased. Although I’m still working and studying at the same time, my salary has gone from around 5,000 yuan at the beginning to over 9,000 yuan now. The salary isn’t high yet, and I need to keep working hard; it’s not high in a first-tier city. I don’t dare let him know that my income has increased; I only say it’s increased by a few hundred yuan.
For so many years, I’ve had absolutely no sexual desire or needs from my husband. It’s because of my mental resistance that my body resists; besides, he can’t provide that satisfaction. He once bought me a sex toy, which I used to relieve myself. Even after that, I didn’t want him to touch me. Later, I started sleeping on the sofa, and we slept separately. Another time, because I hadn’t eaten dinner when I came home from taking our sick child to the doctor, I complained a little about being hungry, and we argued. He punched me in the head in front of the child (I regret not calling the police this time).
One to two years ago, I called the police twice because of domestic violence. Why did I only start calling the police two years ago after all these years? Because I was no longer afraid of divorce. I was fearless, even unafraid of death. I felt like I had already died once. But when the police came, all they did was mediate.
Once, we disagreed about whose family to visit for Chinese New Year, and he started swearing, even using the word “Mom.” I couldn’t take it anymore, and when I talked back, he hit me. The last time the police left, they warned him that if it happened again, he’d have to go to the police station for free meals, and that a criminal record would affect our child’s future schooling. He hasn’t hit me in the past two years.
During my second exam preparation period, he cooked for me, gave me money, bought groceries, and sometimes even did my laundry. I wasn’t afraid of what he said about me; I was immune to it and just ignored him. He also wanted me to have a second child, saying he wanted a daughter. I didn’t want to have another child, and one day, for some reason, he gave me his salary card, saying he would keep it safe from now on. But I’ve never even looked at his card once.
I’ve known G since 2016, been in a relationship since 2019, and now in 2024, we meet at most 2-3 times a year, sometimes only once a year. During the pandemic, we mostly communicate by phone. G lives in another provincial capital city. I feel like I call him more often.
During this time, G has been encouraging and supporting me. He suggested that I take the postgraduate entrance exam directly after graduating from junior college, but I was afraid I wouldn’t pass. I decided to get my bachelor’s degree first. Now he is encouraging me again, saying that I can continue to take the postgraduate entrance exam if I want to. I asked if there is an age limit for taking the postgraduate entrance exam, but I don’t want to take it anymore.
Last time G came to my city, he said that if I didn’t make a decision soon, he wouldn’t wait for me anymore. I asked G if he had someone else, and G said that he was forcing me to make a decision. G told me about his situation. G’s wife’s family is not well-off, and she is a “brother-supporting demon.” She constantly and secretly supports her brother’s family, buying them a house and giving them money. He also lent money to her brother. G said that someone told him that she was having an affair.
G’s dignity was hurt. He consulted a lawyer, checked his wife’s bank cards, and found none of them had money. He said it was clear his wife had been transferring money beforehand, adding that her income wasn’t lower than his, yet she always asked him for money. Although I don’t earn much, and my family hasn’t financially supported me, G has said that we are completely different kinds of people.
G is still married. I’ve visited G’s city a few times. The money I spent on enrolling in a bachelor’s degree program (costing several thousand yuan) and preparing for exams after quitting my job was all given to me by G. Because G’s father had cancer, underwent treatment for over a year, including surgery and ICU stays, I supported him with tens of thousands of yuan, but he ultimately left, and later repaid me. I’ve overcome my depression, and G says I’m in the best possible state now.
I’ve read some articles that say if you can’t tolerate someone’s biggest flaw, then you shouldn’t be together. I asked G about it, and he said his biggest flaw was indecisiveness. I told him I allow him to make mistakes and accept his imperfections. He told me that when he was in his thirties, a girl called him to give up her seat for his wife. But he had no relationship with her. I didn’t believe him, so I asked her how many she had, and he said one or two.
Actually, I lack trust in men. I can accept a man’s physical needs if he cheats; it’s just that.I feel that I still need intimate relationships, to have a good partner with whom I can share, to have the desire to talk, and to have physical contact.
But I take care of my physical needs myself; I shut down my emotional needs to my husband. I usually call G when something happens. My husband is the financial pillar of the family. He’s treating me a little better now than before; he’s sensed my indifference. Once he said I’m lucky to have such a good husband, that no one is better than him. I told him I’d be better off without him!
I’m so confused right now, I don’t know what to do. Should I continue like this? I feel like I’m wasting my life, I want to change. Life is so short! Please advise me: can I get a divorce and be with G? Or am I overthinking it? I’ve already dragged myself to this awkward age. What should I do? My finances are average if the child stays with me, but if they don’t, I’m afraid I’ll regret it. I read from a divorce lawyer that women who don’t want children are more likely to regret it, and divorce involves a lot of negotiation.

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How Long Can Sexual Desire Last in an Extramarital Affair?