Behind every decadent sexual life lies an inescapable story.

I’ve never believed that people are inherently bad from birth. I think environment shapes people, and there’s no absolute right or wrong in anything; everything is dialectical. Take me for example, I think my family, colleagues, and friends all consider me a good wife, a good colleague, and a good friend. They absolutely cannot imagine my other, decadent lifestyle.

The reason I’ve had so many inappropriate relationships and passions with other men, and the reason I’ve slept with so many men, I think there are reasons on my part, as well as reasons from my husband and society. I want to share my inner story here, just to relax a bit. Actually, behind every man I’ve had a relationship, there’s an inescapable story.

It’s often said that beautiful women have stories to tell. To be honest, in this era where beauties abound, I wouldn’t dare call myself beautiful. My parents are both involved in the arts, and I was influenced by them from a young age. However, I didn’t pursue an artistic career. I’m from Northeast China, 168cm tall, and I started learning dance in elementary school. I missed getting into an arts college by just a few points but got into a teacher’s college through connections because I’ve always loved English.

At the teachers’ college, I was undoubtedly a campus beauty, winning first prize for my solo dance at the annual arts festival. However, my parents divorced during my university years, which was a huge blow to me. It was during that time when I needed someone to take care of me the most that I met my current husband.

He was my classmate, two years ahead of me. He had excellent grades and was a typical bookworm. Although he was a bit timid, he was honest and kind. It was his honesty and kindness that made me feel that he was a man I could trust. My father had divorced me because of infidelity, so I chose him.

After graduating from university, we were both assigned to work as middle school teachers in a small city in Heilongjiang. Although we were disappointed, we felt it was acceptable that we were together. We got married when I was 27 and he was 30.

Life was simple and uneventful, but peaceful. Back then, teachers’ salaries were low, especially in such a remote place. We lived in a teacher’s apartment of less than 40 square meters that the school had allocated to us.

Our monthly salaries are barely enough for the two of us to make ends meet. Seeing our classmates from back then all doing well, we started to get impatient. We see no hope in our current situation, let alone having children. We started arguing and blaming each other.

Just then, something unexpected happened. Those years coincided with education reforms and a strong push for vocational education. Many eighth-grade students were diverted to vocational schools, which meant a reduction in the ninth-grade teaching staff. In those days, being laid off was a terrifying prospect. My husband taught ninth-grade math. The new principal, Wang Yi (pseudonym), held a general meeting of all staff and announced that the new staff structure would be completed within two months.

That day, I had just finished class when Xiao Gao from the academic affairs office whispered to me, “You’d better start making some connections. The principal had a meeting with us this afternoon and they’re planning to cut four ninth-grade teachers, including your boyfriend. It’s not finalized yet, so you need to hurry up and make some connections.” I quickly thanked Xiao Gao; she’s a good friend of mine.

Hearing her words made my head spin. Back then, people were terrified of the word “laid off.” What would happen if my husband really lost his job? He only had some education; he didn’t know anything else, not even manual labor. I really didn’t know what to do. When I got home, I quickly told my husband about it. He was also terrified, sighing constantly, completely helpless. We couldn’t just go back to our hometown to farm, could we?

I said that the only thing we could do now was to beg Principal Wang, to tell him about our family’s actual difficulties and ask him to show leniency. Unexpectedly, my husband said, “Go ahead and beg him, I can’t bring myself to do it.” I was so angry I couldn’t say a word for a long time. That’s just the kind of person my husband is. For the past few years, I’ve been the one handling almost all the interpersonal relationships; it seems he understands absolutely nothing about social interactions except for his academic pursuits.

Seeing my hesitation, he pulled me down to sit next to him, whispering in my ear, “You have to give to receive, that’s fair.” He put one arm around my waist and slipped the other hand under my skirt… I gave up resisting.

Seeing that I had given up resisting, Wang Yi became even bolder, and I burst into tears again. I felt incredibly wronged. Just one floor away, my husband was at home preparing his lessons, while I was being played with by another man. Seeing that I was crying again, Wang Yi said, “Okay, don’t cry. I will definitely keep my promise to you.” I got dressed, tidied my hair, and walked out of his house.

Jiaming left to work in Pakistan, signing a three-year contract. On the way back from the airport, Yixin’s tears flowed uncontrollably. The pent-up grievances of the past few days burst forth like a river bursting its banks, impossible to stop. After seeing her husband off, her heart felt empty, and she didn’t know how to face the days to come.

The house was empty and desolate, an overwhelming loneliness filling every cell of the air. The brand-new furniture remained in its place, and the room was eerily quiet. A profound sadness shattered Yi Xin’s fragile spirit. She clutched her wedding photo album tightly, curled up in bed, shivering.

At this moment, she suddenly regretted letting her husband leave. Without her beloved, their home was devoid of warmth, and she felt like an abandoned ship adrift on a vast ocean. No one could see her sorrow and fear, and this feeling was truly unbearable.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Who could it be so late? Yi Xin rubbed her eyes hastily, tidied her hair, and opened the door with a puzzled look. “Sister-in-law, do you have any garlic?” It was Xu Jun, the young man who had just moved in across the hall. “Oh, yes!” Yi Xin replied as she went into the kitchen, found two cloves of garlic, and handed them to him.

“Sister-in-law, have you eaten?” Xu Jun took the garlic and asked casually. “Not yet, I’m too lazy to cook for myself,” Yi Xin replied indifferently. “Is your brother not home?” “He’s away on a business trip.” “Oh, then how about this, sister-in-law, we made some pork ribs today, I’ll bring you a bowl when it’s done!” Xu Jun said warmly.

“Hey, no! I don’t feel well, I don’t want to eat tonight. Really, you don’t need to!” Yi Xin waved her hands repeatedly to stop him. “Sister-in-law, don’t be so polite. People say, ‘A distant relative is not as good as a close neighbor, and a close neighbor is not as good as the one across the hall.’ It’s only right that we take care of each other.” The young man’s honest words warmed Yi Xin’s heart. Smelling the rich aroma in the hallway, she actually felt a little hungry.

Xu Jun was a good cook; the ribs were stewed until very flavorful, and Yi Xin hadn’t eaten anything so delicious in a long time. To express her gratitude, when returning the bowl, she specially washed a few apples and brought them over. “Sister-in-law, what are you doing?” he said reproachfully.

Yi Xin smiled and said, “It’s only fair.” She looked around, but couldn’t see the lady of the house in the tidy home, so she asked curiously, “Where’s your husband?” “He’s on a tour with his troupe,” Xu Jun replied, while inviting Yi Xin to sit down on the sofa. “I really can’t believe you can keep the house so tidy without your wife around,” she praised sincerely.

“There’s nothing I can do. My wife is an actress, always traveling all over the country, rarely having a moment’s rest. I’m left to perform a one-woman show at home.” His voice somber as he touched upon his painful past. Yi Xin looked at the man and suddenly felt a sense of shared fate.

“Jiaming, are you doing well over there? Is work tiring? Do you miss me as much as I do? You know, I’m terrified of the dark now, terrified of the loneliness when I go home, because there’s no one to talk to. I don’t know where you are now, and I can’t reach you when I miss you. Since you left, I’ve hardly slept a full night, often staying up all night with my eyes open under the covers.”

“Honey, today marks the 10th day since you left, and also our 100th wedding anniversary. Why haven’t you called me yet? You should have arrived by now. Do you know how much I miss you at home? I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt you were driving a crane, smiling at me from the air. I finally managed to climb up, but before I could grab your hand, I suddenly fell! I woke up from the nightmare, only to be left with cold tears and the pitch-black night. My dearest husband, where are you? Are you doing well?”

“Husband, I never knew that each day could be so long, never knew that missing someone could be so heartbreaking. I really want to be like the song says, you are the wind and I am the sand, the two of us entwined until the ends of the earth. I hate you for planting the seed of love in my heart, making me sink into a sea of love from which I cannot extricate myself…”

The devoted Yixin kept writing down her longing and concern for her husband on paper. Her daily diary became her only emotional outlet. She got used to communicating with her husband in this way and also got used to seeing him again and again in her dreams.

Three years is just over a thousand days in the blink of an eye. Once we get through this period, Jiaming will come back with more than 300,000 yuan. Then we can buy a big house and never have to live in poverty again! Yixin has woven countless happy fairy tales about the future.

Thirty-three days after Jiaming left, Yixin finally received a letter from her husband. In it, he wrote tenderly, “My dearest wife, I’ve arrived safely and couldn’t wait to write to you that very evening. Conditions at our workplace are very difficult; there’s no internet, and overseas calls are too expensive. People often say that true lovers sense each other’s presence. When you miss me, just call my name, and I’ll feel it…”

Holding the letter, Yi Xin burst into tears. She angrily cursed Jia Ming for being stupid; could even the most expensive phone call compare to family affection? She longed day and night for the two of them to have a private conversation, how could he not understand? It was time to leave work again, and Yi Xin felt deeply disappointed, lingering on her way home.

Unwilling to go home and spend the hours alone with the television, she went into a restaurant near her apartment complex and casually ordered a plate of fried rice. Watching the couples around her, embracing each other, she silently cried out her husband’s name, tears streaming down her face, stinging with sorrow.

“Hey, sister-in-law, what’s wrong?” A friendly voice came from beside her. It was Xu Jun! “Ah…nothing, nothing!” Yi Xin hurriedly tried to cover it up. Xu Jun brought over his food and sat down opposite her. “Missed your brother, didn’t you?” he asked. Yi Xin nodded shyly.

“Has your partner come back yet?” she asked softly. “Not yet. He called yesterday and said he went to Tibet to do charity work again. Who knows when he’ll be able to come home.” Xu Jun’s tone was a little unhappy. “Living alone is really not easy.” “Aren’t you the same?” She and he smiled at each other. That day, the two of them talked until very late.

People can gradually adapt to a certain way of life. As time went by, Yixin’s emotions gradually calmed down, and her longing for Jiaming was no longer so intense. She tried her best to adjust her life, and in every letter she wrote to her husband, she only reported good news and not bad. She didn’t want her husband to worry, because Jiaming had repeatedly told her before he left: “Wife, when I’m not home, taking good care of yourself is how you show me love.”

One night, Yi Xin was awakened by the piercing sound of an ambulance and the loud banging on the door. She hurriedly threw on her clothes and got out of bed. Looking through the peephole, she saw two paramedics carrying someone out of Xu Jun’s house across the street. “Xu Jun, what happened to you?” Yi Xin opened the door and asked anxiously.

“Preliminary diagnosis: acute appendicitis. Immediate surgery is required!” the doctor replied without looking up. Xu Jun’s wife hadn’t returned yet. Yi Xin didn’t have time to think much; she quickly dressed, grabbed her purse, and followed him out.

In the ambulance, Xu Jun writhed in pain, clutching his stomach, beads of sweat the size of soybeans soaking through the sleeves of Yi Xin, who was standing guard beside him. The surgery lasted a full five hours, and by the time the doctor emerged from the operating room, it was already dawn.

“Are you a family member of the patient?” the doctor asked. “Sort of,” Yi Xin nodded. “He’s fine now. You can pay the hospital deposit first, 3,000 yuan,” the doctor continued. “Okay!” Yi Xin quickly ran to the bank outside, withdrew the money from the ATM, and completed the hospitalization procedures as quickly as possible.

“Sister-in-law, thank you! I’m so grateful to you today!” Xu Jun was overwhelmed with emotion and didn’t know what to say. Yi Xin smiled and said, “Don’t mention it. It’s only right for neighbors to help each other.” Xu Jun’s parents had passed away early, and he had no other relatives in the area. During his hospitalization, Yi Xin cooked millet porridge at home every day and brought it to the hospital. She unconsciously treated him like her own younger brother.

Soon, Xu Jun recovered and was discharged from the hospital. To express his gratitude, when returning the money, he went to the mall and carefully selected a beautiful cashmere coat for Yi Xin. Yi Xin left the money but refused to accept the coat.

He insisted on giving it to her, but she refused. During their struggle, their hands touched, and a sudden jolt of electricity shot through her arms, causing Yi Xin’s face to flush crimson. Xu Jun’s heart pounded; he quickly threw off his clothes and rushed outside.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Yi Xin chased after him, clutching her clothes. Xu Jun was stunned for a moment, then, not knowing where the courage came from, he suddenly turned around and pulled Yi Xin into his arms. His thirsty lips landed on her face, ears, and lips, frantically plundering the sweetness from her tongue.

Terrified, Yi Xin struggled and resisted desperately, but his gentle advances gradually eroded her will. Her clothes slipped down, and their two hot bodies pressed together; she surrendered completely…

“Xin, I love you.” After the passion subsided, Xu Jun whispered tenderly in her ear. Silent tears streamed down Yi Xin’s face; her body went limp, and she couldn’t describe the feeling. “Jiaming, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Yi Xin pushed Xu Jun away and knelt before their wedding photo at the head of the bed, sobbing uncontrollably. “Xin, please, don’t torture yourself like this,” Xu Jun said, picking her up.

“We’re not saints, we all need love, and there’s nothing wrong with that,” he advised her. “But this is betrayal! It’s immoral!” Overwhelmed with regret, Yi Xin wanted nothing more than to smash her head against the wall and die. She had betrayed her husband, betrayed her love; she couldn’t forgive herself for the mistake she had made.

“Xin, don’t blame yourself too much. We are both lonely people, and only we know the bitterness in our hearts. You don’t know how much it hurt me when I saw you crying in the restaurant that day. I really wanted to hold you in my arms, but I tried my best to control my emotions.”

After this surgery, I truly realized how fortunate it is to have loved ones by my side. “Xin, how about we become temporary husband and wife? Neither of us will break up the other’s family,” he suggested.

“No! Absolutely not!” She buried her face in his chest and cried, “Xu Jun, we can’t make the same mistake again!” “Xin, there’s nothing wrong with loving each other! I need you, and you need me, right?” He stroked her long hair tenderly and continued, “Don’t worry, no one will know about this except the two of us.”

Under Xu Jun’s sweet words and seductive charm, Yi Xin lost her way and agreed to his request. Xu Jun was a very good lover, very good at understanding women’s psychology, and he did everything perfectly.

During her time with him, Yi Xin experienced a passion and fulfillment she had never felt before. She changed, transforming from initial guilt into a willingness to enjoy this absurd affair. They were inseparable, seemingly living a blissful life as a secret couple.

For a long time, both he and she forgot their identities. Until one day, Xu Jun’s lover returned home from her tour, and Yi Xin realized with shame that she had gone too far. How could this happen? How could I do this? Tormented and unable to find relief, Yi Xin spent nights smoking in the living room. Even the slightest noise from next door would trigger her nerves; it hurt so much.

On Sunday, while his wife was shopping, Xu Jun sneaked over. He kissed Yi Xin and pleaded repeatedly, “Darling, just bear with it a little longer. It’ll be over once she leaves. Promise me you won’t torture yourself, okay?”

“Xin’er, I also bear some responsibility for this. I shouldn’t have left for so long right after our wedding. I understand you and believe that you were just infatuated for a moment. Now, I just want to tell you that no matter what happened in the past, you are still my good wife and the woman I love most in this life.”However, we may be able to love two people at the same time, and be loved by two people. Unfortunately, we can only spend our lives with one of them. Xu Jun and I, whichever you choose, I will respect your choice.” After saying this, Jiaming waved for Xu Jun, who was squatting in the corridor, to come in, and then slipped away.

Yi Xin lay on the hospital bed, her face pale and her expression sorrowful. Xu Jun walked over and said in a low voice, “You have a good husband, one who makes me feel ashamed of myself. Xin, I love you… For your happiness, I am willing to give up everything—including you.”

Watching him stride away, she burst into tears once again.

In a frenzy, Yi Xin pushed Xu Jun out the door, resolutely saying, “No! Go away, go now! We can’t continue like this!” She no longer wanted to live this shameful, dark life, and besides, Jia Ming would be back in two months; it was time to end this illicit affair. To avoid Xu Jun, Yi Xin took her annual leave from work and went on a trip.

Two weeks later, Yi Xin had just returned home and was about to close the door when someone pulled it shut from the outside. A haggard-looking Xu Jun walked in, embraced her tenderly, and choked out, “Xin, where have you been? Why are you ignoring me?”

She pushed him away cruelly, locked the door tightly, and ignored his desperate attempts to ring the doorbell from outside.

“Xin, don’t reject my love!” “I can’t stand life without you! Open the door!” Xu Jun’s text messages bombarded Yi Xin, leaving her dizzy and disoriented. Helpless, she dialed his number, pleading, “Let me go, let’s end this, okay?”

“No!” he replied hoarsely. “Believe it or not, after spending so much time together these past few days, I’ve fallen deeply in love. Xin, I want a divorce and to marry you.” “That’s impossible! Forget about it! I love my husband, and I will never marry you!” She hung up the phone.

Jiaming finally returned. He hugged Yixin tightly and said guiltily, “Wife, you’ve lost so much weight. I’ll definitely make it up to you later!” Yixin buried her face in her husband’s arms and cried incessantly, too heartbroken to utter a single word.

Resentful, Xu Jun relentlessly sent Yi Xin provocative text messages every night, frightening her so much that she would turn off her phone as soon as she got home. However, Xu Jun persisted, frequently finding excuses to visit, chatting animatedly with Jia Ming. Yi Xin sat anxiously to the side, feeling almost suffocated by the oppressive atmosphere.

After a month of constantly struggling, Yi Xin was on the verge of a mental breakdown. She couldn’t bear the torment, but she was too ashamed to tell her husband. She thought of death; perhaps it was the best way out, the best way to atone for her sins. While her husband was out, at the end of her diary filled with longing, Yi Xin trembled as she recounted what had happened, signing it with a small, kneeling figure. She drank the entire bottle of sleeping pills, lay peacefully on her bed, and quietly awaited death.

Three days later, Yi Xin awoke from her deep sleep to a stark white light. Oh my god! She was back again! She raised her hand to pull out the IV drip, but Jia Ming, who was waiting beside her, gripped it tightly. “Silly girl, I know everything. Why didn’t you tell me about that sooner? Feelings can’t be forced. If you didn’t want to continue with me, I would have let you go. How could you treat your life like that?”

“Jiaming, I never thought of leaving you. But I…” She couldn’t finish her sentence.

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Behind every decadent sexual life lies an inescapable story.