A confession from an asexual person: I love my boyfriend, but I resist sex.

Asexuals seeking marriage

Xu Zhuo and his girlfriend Lin Xue had been living together for five months but had not had sex.
The double bed in the bedroom was covered with gray sheets, and the walls were a gray-blue. Xu Zhuo was the one who refused; he had invited Lin Xue to stay in this cold bedroom. At night, Xu Zhuo insisted that Lin Xue wear pajama bottoms before he would share a blanket with her. The girl was used to sleeping with her legs bare when she was single, but the man sharing the bed protested. At first, he gave the reason that Lin Xue’s calves were too cold or that her toenails were sharp, but occasionally, he couldn’t help but pinch the flesh on her thighs.
Xu Zhuo would kiss Lin Xue’s cheeks, forehead, and shoulders. Compared to having a sexual partner, this was the most intimate thing the two did in bed.

Sexual harmony is considered an important part of a happy marriage. A survey of thousands of divorces in major Chinese cities showed that more than half of the divorces were due to disharmony in their sex lives. To maintain marital harmony, or out of a sense of responsibility, even people who are not interested in sex will cooperate with their partners in intimate contact.
However, many others seek partnerships based on asexual agreements. Social media platforms are teeming with self-identified asexual individuals like Xu Zhuo. They band together for support, seeking partners and companionship, believing that comforting their lonely souls is more important than fulfilling physical needs.
Wang Yufei is 32 years old, lives in Shanghai, and is currently starting her own business. Last month, she posted a dating ad in a non-sexual group on Douban, seeking a non-sexual partner, but has not yet received any private messages in response. She said she posted the ad to alleviate her parents’ anxiety about her getting married.
After leaving her rural hometown, Wang Yufei earned a university degree and has a substantial monthly income. However, her parents always felt that no matter how capable their daughter was, she would be alone for the rest of her life if she didn’t get married. Last Wednesday, when Wang Yufei came home from get off work, she opened WeChat and was greeted by dozens of messages from her mother urging her to get married. A feeling of suffocation overwhelmed her.
Wang Yufei’s ideal intimate relationship is one that is free and equal. “What I care about is spiritual companionship, financial independence between both parties, acceptance of each other’s flaws, reading and exercising together, and facing the emptiness of life together.”

Such a partner is hard to find, Wang Yufei jokingly calls herself “idealistic.” Starting in 2018, she went on more than a dozen blind dates recommended by her mother, but these men were all “sexually enthusiastic” and not to her liking. In 2019, in her room, Wang Yufei was hugged and kissed on the cheek by her boyfriend after he had been drinking. She sensed that her boyfriend wanted more than just kissing her, so she immediately covered him with a blanket and coaxed him to sleep.
She recalled her feelings at the time: “If we were both dressed, I could accept kissing, but once we were undressed, if we wanted to take things further, I immediately didn’t want to participate.”
Xu Zhuo and Lin Xue have reached a delicate balance. The couple lives in Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Xu Zhuo, 28, is from Heilongjiang Province and works at a kindergarten near his home. Lin Xue, 24, is from Chengdu and is pursuing a degree in early childhood education. The two met at an escape room game. Last July, Lin Xue decided to accept Xu Zhuo’s asexuality and officially confirmed their relationship. They have now been living together for five months.
“This is a personal choice for both of us.” Xu Zhuo believes that, just as most people cannot accept domestic violence or infidelity, he simply added “sexless” to his principles of dating.
Xu Zhuo considers companionship and emotional value as the cornerstone of maintaining the relationship. He embraces Lin Xue’s past and traumas, and accompanies her to explore intimate relationships that are not based on sex, appearance, or body shape.

Testing the boundaries

Xu Zhuo asked that they not have sex, and Lin Xue initially agreed, but then became anxious about it for two months . At first, she thought it was a way of refusing him.
A sense of loss surged through Lin Xue’s heart like the tide. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was because she was slightly overweight and lacked charm that she couldn’t attract the tall, thin man in front of her.
Asexuality is not accepted by the public. A few years ago, Xu Zhuo posted on Weibo that he was asexual, and the comment section was filled with doubts.
Lin Xue’s parents worked at a university and later accepted their only daughter’s choice. When Lin Xue confessed to her parents, she told her mother, “We are platonic.” Apart from worrying that her daughter would be mistreated if she lived together, her mother didn’t say anything more. After her father found out, he didn’t mind the asexual fact that the “platonic” relationship concealed. Instead, he was happy that his daughter had someone to take care of her and exclaimed that his daughter had “finally come to her senses.”

When close friends learned of Lin Xue’s choice, their first reaction was often that Xu Zhuo might have a physical defect. Some even warned that Xu Zhuo might be a homosexual who was faking marriage.
In response to questions from Lin Xue’s friends, Xu Zhuo confessed that his first love was a man, but he broke up with him shortly after they started dating because he felt that the other person could not empathize with him and they hadn’t even reached the point of having sex.
Lin Xue was sent to Canada by her parents during high school and lived with a host family for three years. Looking back on her adolescence, she realized that she had grown up mostly in loneliness and had to take care of herself. Xu Zhuo’s ability to care for others touched her heart.
Lin Xue mentioned a detail from before they officially became a couple: when they went on a trip, they stayed in an apartment with only one bedroom. After a long day of sightseeing, they were both exhausted and neither wanted to sleep on the living room sofa without air conditioning, so they both slept in the only bed. The air conditioning was a bit cold, and Xu Zhuo, who was also sensitive to the cold, gave the only thick blanket to Lin Xue, turning his back to her and covering himself with a thin sheet.
The care was mutual, which deepened their relationship. One late night in the latter half of 2020, Lin Xue, who had just finished dinner with friends, heard that Xu Zhuo had a flare-up of pharyngitis. She went to the pharmacy to buy throat lozenges, cough syrup, and pear soup. At that time, the COVID-19 pandemic was spreading, and Lin Xue found that all the medicine for pharyngitis was sold out at the pharmacy. She became anxious. “I don’t know why, but I was particularly anxious that day. I wanted to get the things to him as soon as possible so that he would feel better.” When she arrived at Xu Zhuo’s home, Lin Xue cut fruit for him, helped him take his medicine, chatted with him for a while, and then left.

Unexpectedly, Lin Xue became the first among her friends to contract COVID-19, testing positive after returning home. Xu Zhuo, who was visiting her, subsequently contracted the virus. While Xu Zhuo’s condition was still relatively mild, Lin Xue was already bedridden with COVID-19, so he bought her medication and delivered it to her.
Lin Xue’s “sincereness without ulterior motives” touched Xu Zhuo, who considered it a rare quality in today’s society. After becoming lovers from being good friends, Xu Zhuo always offered appropriate encouragement to Lin Xue, but sometimes his simple words couldn’t dispel her self-doubt.
Before going out, Lin Xue would spend a long time putting on makeup. When changing clothes, she would always try to hide herself, afraid that Xu Zhuo would see the “spare tire” around her stomach and the excess fat on her thighs. Whenever this happened, Xu Zhuo would encourage Lin Xue, awkwardly praising her body as “cute and warm . “
Once, while traveling, Lin Xue remarked that her face looked as big as a pancake in a photo, and subconsciously attacked herself again. Xu Zhuo’s tone became harsher, correcting her “prejudice” and saying that her self-deprecation was also devaluing the relationship between the two of them.
Lin Xue lacked confidence in herself and would test her partner’s “sexual interest.” One night last July, the two lay in their car, admiring the stars in the night sky through the sunroof. In this romantic atmosphere, Lin Xue turned to look at Xu Zhuo, hinting that she wanted to take things further, but Xu Zhuo remained unmoved, expressing his refusal to comply.
One day in August, Xu Zhuo drank too much and was completely drunk. Lin Xue took the tall, limp man home and put him on the bed. But after hesitating for a few minutes, Lin Xue decided to respect Xu Zhuo’s wishes, only poured him a glass of hot water, and then went back to her rented room.
Gradually, Lin Xue accepted Xu Zhuo’s choice and realized that it had nothing to do with her attraction to him, which actually increased their intimacy. When they first moved in together at the beginning of this year, they used two separate blankets and deliberately kept their distance. A few months later, the barrier was broken down, and one day, while one of the blankets was still wet, they started to sleep together.
But now, for Guo Ling, an asexual girl, the storm of a broken romantic relationship is just around the corner.

Guo Ling is a university student in a northern city. Her boyfriend, who is in the same year as her, says he can accept her choice, but he has made the request that they have children after marriage. They will graduate in a few days and have started frequently discussing their future plans. If Guo Ling continues to insist on her position, she may lose the relationship.
The benefits of marriage are obvious. Buying a house in a big city is a huge financial burden, and Guo Ling hopes to get married so they can work together to buy a house and settle down in the city.
Guo Ling’s aversion to sex seems to be innate. When she was just an adult, she explored her own body, but found that it was no different from touching her own face.
During her childhood, Guo Ling’s parents were busy with work, and she received almost no close companionship from her family. Growing up, she felt quite lonely and needed a reliable partner. Now she has finally found a boyfriend with whom she wants a serious relationship. Although he expresses respect, she can always sense him testing the boundaries during their daily physical contact. Whenever this happens, she pushes him away and changes the subject, such as discussing the new anime series airing in April.
She used dating apps to meet several strangers of the opposite sex, but after a few brief chats, nothing further developed. On one hand, she felt inferior and was afraid that the other person would dislike her; on the other hand, she worried that the other person was only asking her out for a one-night stand.

The patch of black mold on the wall

Xu Zhuo discovered his resistance to sex during his freshman year of college. It was an unpleasant memory of living together; the two of them could never reconcile their needs, and after six months of dating, the feeling of having his boundaries violated became a psychological shadow for Xu Zhuo.
Meanwhile, just like Lin Xue’s initial reaction, the girl he was in love with questioned him about his love for her because he refused to be intimate with her, which became the trigger for their breakup .
In the community where Lin Xue and Xu Zhuo lived in Canada, asexual support groups were held regularly. Visitors would sit in a circle around a conference table with lush green plants in front of them. Xu Zhuo took Lin Xue to several of these meetings, hoping to gain her understanding.
Wang Yufei grew up in a rural area in northern China and attended school in a small town where the sun shone brightly, but it never reached her shady bedroom. Childhood trauma, like black mold on the walls of her room, spread throughout her damp life and was the root of her inner fears.

For Wang Yufei, sex was once an unspeakable taboo. As a child, she found pornographic DVDs in the dust on top of her wardrobe. The covers featured naked men and women, and she instinctively felt that they were “bad things,” so she quickly threw them into a corner crevices in fear.
Children wander through villages and towns, exposed to danger. Wang Yufei, a sixth-grade student, and her classmates escaped during lunch break to play in a small park near the school. It was summer, cicadas chirped, and the park had a few scattered green trees and a small lake. In front of the artificial hill, a man waited until Wang Yufei and her classmates approached, then lifted his shirt to expose his genitals.
At the age when she was just beginning to experience romantic feelings, Wang Yufei recalled hearing that four of her female classmates from the rural junior high school she attended became pregnant, were forced to drop out of school, and were married off early. One of them was a girl in her class who was usually lively and active and liked to play around with boys. After becoming pregnant, she was taken home and disappeared from everyone’s sight.
Back in high school, Wang Yufei’s mother took her to a dimly lit massage parlor in town. The parlor was small, with curtains hanging from the ceiling to symbolically cover the massage beds. Wang Yufei felt the masseur’s hands were not behaving properly, which made her uncomfortable. After leaving the parlor, she mustered up the courage to tell her mother about it, but her mother didn’t comfort her. Instead, she instinctively exclaimed, “Oh dear, why are you saying something like that?”
Now, Wang Yufei is afraid of physical contact and avoids sexual activity. In the spring of 2020, Wang Yufei, who was already in college, went hiking in Dali, Yunnan. Seeing dogs mating by the roadside made her feel nauseous.
Lin Xue decided to abandon sex. Xu Zhuo offered her something more valuable than sex—respect and equality. She discovered that in the eyes of this asexual man, she found aspects of herself that were worthy of love, beyond her appearance and figure.

Lin Xue’s inferiority complex about her appearance began in middle school. As a teenager, she had a crush on the most handsome boy in her class, but was teased as “the class heartthrob’s beautiful wife.” The heartthrob liked even prettier girls, and she became an observer of the love between the handsome man and the beautiful woman.
In 2021, she had a very pleasant online chat with a male netizen, talking from morning till night. He complimented Lin Xue, saying she was the person who understood him best in the world, as if she were a person “created” according to his own preferences. However, on the eve of Halloween, after meeting the netizen in person, Lin Xue’s hair color, makeup, clothing and even height were criticized. She still vividly remembers the specific things the male netizen criticized her for: her hair was dyed blue, which was not as virtuous as black hair; she was wearing tank tops and shorts, which did not make her look like a “good girl”.
The male netizen’s comments were insightful, but the commentator himself was unkempt and slovenly, “probably without even washing his face before going out.”
Xu Zhuo gave Lin Xue a new insight: in a sexless relationship, she could obtain sweetness without having to use her body to please. “Men are often more proactive in sex, while women are more concerned with delicate emotions. If men have no sexual desire, they will also become more sensitive and notice things they wouldn’t normally notice.”
Now, Xu Zhuo and Lin Xue both find nourishment in each other’s company. In Ottawa, Canada, at 45 degrees north latitude, freezing rain, hail, and thunderstorms rage throughout the spring. On sunny days, the couple often walk hand in hand to a nearby park, where a small river flows through the green space. They frequently stop on the bridge over the river to chat and dream about the future. As the deep blue night falls, a warm yellow glow illuminates their brown high-rise apartment, creating their own private world.

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A confession from an asexual person: I love my boyfriend, but I resist sex.