You two go shopping, chat, and make love, and you still have the nerve to call yourselves "couples"?

Let me tell you a story first:

One client had a crush on a guy for five or six years, but it remained a secret crush. The guy was unaware of her feelings for him and started dating other girls.

Therefore, they have always been just ordinary friends, liking each other’s posts on social media but not communicating much in private.

Later, the boy broke up with his girlfriend, and the girl felt she couldn’t miss another opportunity, so she confessed her feelings to him.

The boy was surprised because he didn’t usually talk to this girl, and she suddenly confessed her feelings. But the girl was fair-skinned and beautiful, so he accepted her advances, and the two officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Do you think this is a story of “bravely pursuing love and having a happy ending”? Think again.

This girl came to me for advice because she felt her relationship with this guy (or rather, her boyfriend) was too strange.

They work in two cities an hour apart by car, only see each other on weekends, and talk on the phone every day during the week, but only for 5 or 6 minutes.

She wanted to ask about her boyfriend, but felt embarrassed to ask. Her boyfriend wasn’t good at talking about his own affairs either, so when he called, he would only say things like “Have you eaten?” or “Are you home yet?” and then run out of things to say.

She was too embarrassed to tell her boyfriend about anything that made her unhappy, for fear of bothering him; and her boyfriend wouldn’t tell her about the troubles he encountered at work.

When we meet on weekends, we just have sex, then go shopping, go to the movies, and then we don’t really chat before we go home.

This girl had been in relationships before, so she felt something was off. Even though they were now a couple, she still felt like a stranger to this guy. She didn’t know him and didn’t dare to get close to him.

My boyfriend feels the same way; he seems quite distant from me too.

What exactly happened?

I told her at the time:

“Essentially, you’re just ordinary friends. Even if you’re nominally together , you don’t have the substance of a romantic relationship, so it’s natural for you to drift apart.”

Not wearing matching outfits

You can pretend to be a couple.

There’s a question on Zhihu: “Why did so many founding generals participate in the Long March?”

One of the top-rated answers said this:

“It’s not that all the founding generals went through the Long March, but rather that some of them were tempered into generals after experiencing the Long March.”

Just like the question and answer in this article, many people also get the “order” of dating confused.

When we’re in a relationship, it’s not like we just randomly pick someone, say he’s our boyfriend, and then we become real partners who can respect and support each other.

When we fall in love, it’s through our daily interactions with someone, getting to know them better, discovering that we share common interests, care for each other, and respect one another.

At this point, you realize that the word “friend” can no longer encompass your relationship, so you have to use another term—boyfriend and girlfriend.

If you mix up the order above, you will definitely suffer a great loss.

Like the girl mentioned at the beginning, she and the boy were actually not familiar with each other at all; they were just ordinary friends.

Even though she had a crush on him for a long time, she never really got to know him in depth.

She and the other person were not familiar with each other, and the other person was not familiar with her either. The only reason they got together was because the girl had a crush on him and had an obsession with him; while the boy was lonely after breaking up with his girlfriend and also because the girl was very pretty.

Two people dating is like randomly picking two people off the street and putting them together; they only have the name of being a couple.

There’s a song lyric that goes: “Just because you wear matching outfits doesn’t mean you’re a couple.”

Just because you’ve established a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you’re actually dating.

What kind of relationship

What constitutes a real relationship?

Some people might ask, then how do you know if you’re really in a relationship?

I think there are roughly a few aspects—

1. Mutual appreciation

I wrote an article before saying that “if one partner in a relationship looks down on the other, the relationship is likely to run into problems.”

Link here: What kind of couples are obviously doomed to not last?

This is because I’ve always believed that the best romantic relationships are those where both partners are equally matched—you’re great, and I’m not bad either—so that the relationship can last.

If one party looks down on the other, and the other party only maintains the relationship by fawning over them, then such a relationship is meaningless.

The one who is fawned over will never experience the feeling of truly loving someone; the one who fawns over will never experience the joy of being loved.

2. Both parties are willing to expose their most vulnerable and painful parts to each other.

Sometimes I ask my clients, “Did the guy talk to you about his childhood experiences, or the pain he’s going through at home and at work?”

If the client says no, then I would say, “If he doesn’t tell you these things, it sounds like you’re just good friends.”

I’ve always believed that having a superficially close relationship with someone is quite simple; it’s nothing more than hanging out and chatting.

But if you want to truly build a relationship with someone, you have to get into their heart.

In other words, we need to know what unpleasant memories he has and what painful experiences he has had.

If the other person is willing to tell you even such things, it means that you are close enough to them and that you make them feel safe enough.

Conversely, you also need to expose yourself to him and talk about your pain. Only when both of you show each other your most vulnerable side can you truly be in a relationship.

3. Mutual respect and understanding

Being in a relationship is not about one person giving, but about two people caring for each other.

Think about it, if you find a boyfriend who constantly criticizes you, saying you’re not good-looking or ugly, and who always discourages you from doing whatever you want… then what’s the point of dating?

Isn’t the point of being in a relationship to be understood and respected?

Of course, respect and understanding are not the responsibility of one party, but rather something that both parties must do.

You respect him, and he respects you; that’s what love should be like.

4. Both parties must bear responsibility.

Yes, love isn’t just about happiness; it also involves taking on responsibilities.

After falling in love, you should reduce contact with the opposite sex; you should carefully nurture the relationship; and you should try to repair any problems in the relationship…

This is what it means to be in a serious relationship.

Most couples

They’re all just “fair-weather friends.”

Unfortunately, many couples don’t meet the above criteria; they are just “fair-weather friends . “

The term “fair-weather couple” is the opposite of “fair-weather friends.” It means that this couple usually just jokes around and plays together, but they can’t withstand any tests. When there is any pain or setback, they both just want to break up.

The most typical example is some campus romances.

After interacting with many college student counselors, you’ll find they all share some common characteristics—

For example, some girls see a guy who treats them well, and since they need someone to take care of them and he’s pleasing to the eye, they get together with him.

They watched movies together, went shopping together, played games together, and even had sex together… but beyond that, they had nothing else to talk about.

The girl doesn’t care about the other person’s thoughts, nor does she think about making any sacrifices for them. If the other person doesn’t meet her needs, she will get very angry.

Once she gets angry, she can’t think of any solutions, so she breaks up with him.

This is—

They mistake their own needs for love, start a relationship because they crave to be cared for, but don’t have in-depth communication during the relationship. When problems arise, they don’t think about taking responsibility, and if it doesn’t work out, they just move on, always thinking that the next one will definitely satisfy them.

Of course, it’s not just college students who date like this; many immature people date in the same way.

Whenever I feel lonely, I want to find someone to accompany me. I casually enter into relationships without putting in the effort to maintain them. If the other person cannot meet my needs, I get extremely angry.

Please, love is not as simple as you think.

My advice is—

Before starting any relationship, think about what you hope to get out of it and what your purpose is in this relationship.

Spend more time screening and more time getting to know each other, instead of dating just for the sake of dating.

The clearer you are about what you want, the better you are able to make the right choices.

Good luck.