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Return To ShopTwo Couples Tried This Way and Brought Their Marriage Back to Life
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As the saying goes, “What goes around comes around.”
This means that sex has a strong healing power in intimate relationships.
Is that really the case?
I recently watched an American documentary called “A Week to Improve Your Sex Life,” which seems to confirm this old saying.
In each episode, the program selects two couples and requires them to have sex for seven consecutive days to see if sex can improve their marriage.
One episode featured two very representative “problematic” couples.
One couple is white and has been married for eight years. For many years, they have slept in separate rooms, engaged in cold wars, and avoided communicating with each other.
Another couple is a Black couple who have been married for two years. The husband is overly critical of his wife, and their relationship is unequal.
Their intimacy was severely damaged, and each of them was blaming the other.
However, there have been no serious breaches of principle between them, such as infidelity or domestic violence, and they still love each other.
What caused problems in their relationship was the accumulation of trivial conflicts over time.
Like most couples experiencing relationship burnout.
For two people who are so distant to have sex for seven consecutive days?
It is indeed quite difficult.
Both couples had moments of reluctance during these seven days, but they still cooperated and completed the task.
And the experimental results seem to have lived up to expectations:
Their relationship improved dramatically.
The white couple went from avoiding each other to actively making concessions and willingly doing things to make each other happy.
The husband in the Black couple went from being critical to taking the initiative to help with the children and housework, allowing his wife more time and energy to improve herself.
The previously unequal relationship suddenly began to loosen.
In fact, it didn’t even take seven days; their relationship changed after their first sexual encounter.
Because this documentary only selects two couples per episode, and only five episodes have been released so far, it cannot be considered a rigorous study.
But it really aligns with my own observations at work:
Sex therapy is really, really effective.
I’m reminded of a couple where the wife was a housewife and the husband ran a business and speculated in stocks; they amassed a fortune of hundreds of millions.
Even though he’s a billionaire, the man is still quite demanding of his wife.
For example, they give 20,000 yuan for household expenses each month, and this covers the entire family’s consumption.
If a wife wants to buy something else, she has to discuss it with her husband. Even if the husband eventually agrees, this way of communicating does make the wife uncomfortable.
It should be noted that this man was not only harsh on his wife, but also on himself.
He doesn’t love the benefits that wealth itself brings; what he loves is the game of wealth accumulation—he enjoys playing the game of making money grow, and no matter how volatile the stock market is, he can basically make the right decisions.
The feeling of winning this game all the time was so exhilarating that he focused too much attention on this money game and didn’t want to waste his money elsewhere.
Furthermore, given their lifestyle, 20,000 yuan a month was enough to get by back then.
But later, this man underwent a dramatic change and became very generous.
The reason is simple: the quality of their sex life has changed.
Previously, his wife had her own sexual problems, but after psychological counseling, a huge change occurred, and then they began to have near-perfect sex, and not just once or twice, but continuously.
After experiencing this kind of sex for the first time, men will be different the next day.
He actually remembers all the requests his wife has made; he used to be stingy with her, but now he tries his best to fulfill them.
Furthermore, they happily and enjoy doing housework.
Then, three months later, he transformed from a little boy into a real man exuding mature masculine charm.
His appearance itself hadn’t changed significantly, but his aura had, making him far more attractive to women than before, without him even realizing it.
In fact, sex therapy is effective because sex and intimacy are closely linked.
When sexuality improves, intimacy in relationships strengthens, and people become more attractive.
Don’t view sex as a simple physiological need.
Sex, like sleep, may seem like a physiological issue, but in the cases I’ve encountered, psychological factors are more often the primary cause.
What exactly is the issue of sex?
Generally speaking, the issue of sex is an issue of relationships.
However, this does not mean that sex therapy can cure all diseases.
The more personal and serious the relationship problem, the less effective sex therapy becomes, and the greater the need for psychological intervention.
I will now categorize these issues.
1. Intractable disease
In the early stages of a relationship, sex can continue regardless of conflicts because intimacy is still relatively high at that time;
However, as time goes by, the relationship gradually develops “chronic problems,” which will inevitably manifest in sexual matters.
What is a chronic disease?
For example, infidelity, serious mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship problems, etc. – difficult relationship dilemmas to resolve.
The two couples in the seven-day sex experiment did not have any “chronic problems” in their relationship, and they both still had desire for the relationship, which is a very important premise.
Sex is the desire for a relationship.
When you no longer desire the relationship, sex naturally becomes unsustainable.
2. Oedipus complex
Another serious sexual problem is the legendary Oedipus complex (i.e., the father-son/mother-son complex).
Sexual dysfunction is usually caused by deep-seated sexual desires directed towards parents or other important relatives, which triggers incest anxiety. This is considered immoral and bad, leading to the opposite reaction—using sexual dysfunction to demonstrate that one is a good person.
The same principle applies when a girlfriend becomes a wife, and sexual relations with her are no longer possible:
As you all know, this is my legal partner and an important family member, but I do not have sexual relations with her in order to show you that I have no sexual desire and that I am a good person without aggression.
I’ve heard too many stories of men having sex with their girlfriends once a day or even several times a day when they were dating, then once every few days after getting engaged, and then a few times a year after marriage…
The most outrageous story is that in more than ten years of marriage, the man and his wife had only had sex once, and they even had a child that time. After that, they began a sexless marriage.
In this situation, the wife should not assume that the man has no sexual desire.
Of course, the Oedipus complex mentioned above is not related to ordinary sexual problems. It mainly manifests in almost pathological sexual problems and needs to be gradually healed through psychoanalysis.
3. Distancing/Relationship burnout
This includes some common problems in relationships, such as blaming, avoidance, and distrust…
If you look closely at many of the “problems” in our relationship, you’ll find that they just seem to be differences of opinion.
But when relationships become distant, the mind tends to imagine and exaggerate these problems.
And they habitually argue about right and wrong.
But right and wrong will only further damage intimacy.
In this situation, physical connection is much easier than mental connection. And sex is the most direct physical connection.
The resulting sense of intimacy can significantly weaken many mental imaginings.
I’m sure many of us have experienced this: you were really bothered by something, but after getting closer to your partner, you suddenly realize that it’s not a big deal anymore.
Just like the white couple in the experiment.
Before the experiment began, the wife was jealous that her husband cared more about the dog than her. After the experiment began, the wife felt that they were back together and promised her husband that she would never be “jealous” of his dog again.
If your marital relationship is strained, the “7-day sex therapy” is worth trying, but only if:
You don’t have any deep-seated problems or complexes.
You still have desire for this relationship.
Finally, let me use another vivid analogy.
A modern parable goes like this: Someone asked: Your partner has countless flaws, like stars in the sky, so why are you still with them?
The answer is: because their virtues are like the bright moon. When the bright moon shines, all the stars disappear.
In close relationships, intimacy is like the bright moon.
Everyone has many flaws, but once two people become intimate, those flaws are easily “accepted” and even become endearing.
Therefore, we often see that people with close relationships often possess a natural charm.
Because your partner in a relationship is like a mirror. When the relationship is intimate, the mirror reflects many strengths and acceptable flaws, and looking in such a mirror makes us more confident.
Just like that love quote:
Your belief that I am good will make me feel good about myself.
The deeper the intimacy, the more one is seen and illuminated. At this point, one’s sense of self-worth, as well as the tolerance and patience in dealing with relationship issues, will be greatly enhanced.
Like the Black couple in the seven-day sex experiment.
At the end of the experiment, they talked about the changes that had occurred over the past 7 days.
“I feel like I’ve found myself again, and I feel sexy.”
“This gave me back my confidence.”
There will be no more walls between our hearts from now on.
“I swear that I will no longer run away when problems arise in a relationship.”
Finally, may you possess that bright moon.
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