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Return To ShopNo One Expected How Differently Men and Women See Platonic Friendship
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Can straight men develop platonic friendships with women? Everyday experience tells us that platonic friendships between men and women are absolutely possible, and quite common – men and women live, work, and play together, and seemingly without any urge to sleep together. However, the possibility of this Platonic symbiosis is merely a superficial illusion, an elegant dance masking countless superficial impulses of attraction between the sexes.
New research suggests there may be some basis for this possibility – we believe we can develop platonic friendships with the opposite sex, but the opportunity to have a relationship beyond friendship is always lurking, waiting to happen at the most inopportune time.
To study so-called platonic friendship between opposite sexes—a topic explored more often in movies than in labs—researchers invited 88 pairs of opposite-sex college friends into…the lab. Privacy is paramount; imagine the impact if it were revealed that one person secretly loved the other. To obtain honest answers, in addition to adhering to standard anonymity and confidentiality agreements, these pairs were also required to verbally promise not to discuss the experiment’s contents in each other’s presence, even after leaving the research facility. These friends were interviewed separately, and each was asked a series of questions about whether they had (or did not) feelings for each other beyond friendship.
The results showed that men and women view opposite-sex friendships very differently. Men are more easily attracted to female friends and believe that their female friends are also attracted to them—of course, this is just a misunderstanding. In reality, men measure their attractiveness to female friends by their own feelings, rather than by the actual feelings of the women. Basically, men believe that feelings beyond friendship are a two-way street, and therefore cannot clearly see whether their female friends are actually interested in them.
Women often struggle to understand what their male friends are thinking because they are generally not attracted to them. Women perceive a lack of mutual attraction between themselves and their male friends. As a result, men overestimate their attractiveness to their female friends, while women underestimate it.
Men are more likely to continue acting according to their own misconceptions about mutual attraction. Both men and women are attracted to members of the opposite sex who are in relationships or single, regardless of their relationship status; if there’s attraction, there’s attraction, and if there isn’t, there isn’t.
However, men and women have different views on potential romantic partners. Men, whether with women in relationships or single, share the same expectation of a romantic date, while women are more sensitive to the romantic relationships of their male friends and are less willing to develop a relationship with men who are already in relationships.
The results show that, compared to women, platonic friendship is much more difficult for men. This not only confirms the stereotype that men are always sexually frustrated while women are always naive and innocent, but also directly demonstrates that two people of different genders can have completely different perceptions of the same relationship. Men often believe that there are plenty of opportunities to develop more than just friendship within their platonic friendships with women, while women have a completely different view – it really is just platonic friendship.
To outsiders, vastly different perceptions of opposite-sex friendships can lead to extremely complex outcomes—a point that those involved in such friendships agree on. In a subsequent study, 249 adults (mostly married) were asked to list the positive and negative impacts of a friendship with a particular person of the opposite sex. Different comments about sexual attraction (such as the possibility of developing a relationship beyond friendship) were listed as negative impacts five times more likely than positive impacts.
However, men and women hold different views on this point. Men are significantly more likely to consider sexual attraction in opposite-sex friendships as a positive influence, and this difference in perspective widens with age. Younger men are four times more likely than women to categorize sexual attraction as a positive influence, while older men are ten times more likely.
In summary, these studies indicate that men and women have vastly different definitions of so-called platonic friendship—and these differing perceptions can cause problems. While women seem to genuinely believe in platonic friendship, men are less able to resist the temptation to take things further. And while both sexes generally perceive mutual attraction within platonic friendships as more likely to have negative consequences, men are indeed less likely to do so.
So, can there really be pure friendship between men and women? If we all thought like women, then definitely yes. But if we all thought like men, then there might be a population explosion.
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