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Return To ShopThis One Thing Shows the True Pattern of a Relationship
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01
Keywords: Satirical communication style, passive-aggressive responses
Q: We both work in the public sector. He was married briefly and has no children. He is four years older than me. I am unmarried. I am much more attractive than him. His family is better off than mine. We have already met each other’s parents.
I lack a sense of security and like to report my whereabouts, which often leads to arguments between us. He has also lied to me about his whereabouts a few times.
He said it was because I was too inquisitive, which made him rebellious and tired.
The relationship took a sharp turn for the worse because of the gift. He handled it pettily, but at the time I thought we should focus on the bigger picture and not worry too much about it.
We had already discussed how to handle the situation, but my mom sensed something was wrong and called him. This was the first time they had contacted each other.
I hope he will keep his word in the future, because my mom has always looked down on him.
After the incident, I made my stance clear: I believed it was wrong for my mother to interfere, and if he had any concerns, he could choose to break up with me.
He was quite determined to continue at the time, which touched me deeply.
Later I found out that he had actually started to give up on me behind my back and was looking for a new partner.
I questioned him about why he was looking for a better option while still having a better one, and he thought it was just because he couldn’t let me go back then, and that he was too old to afford to wait any longer.
He asked his friends about this, but they didn’t think we were a good fit, so he left to find another job.
I’d like to ask a teacher if I should let go? Does he have a character flaw?
I really can’t see things clearly. Every time we argue, he gets angry and says that I don’t consider the development of our relationship. He says that some things can be left unseen and we can wait and see, instead of exploding every time he notices a hint of trouble.
I feel like I’m in a fog.
A: The female lead said she felt like she was in a fog, and she is indeed in a somewhat confused state right now. I want to say to her, “Girl, wake up.”
First, the female protagonist is unclear about the dynamics of their relationship. Second, she doesn’t know where her true boundaries lie.
Furthermore, the female protagonist is unaware of her own communication style.
Next, I will elaborate on this from three aspects: perspective, bottom line, and communication.
I wish everyone could be a “clear-headed woman” in relationships.
1. Layout.
The female lead and her mother thought that the female lead had a higher standard in relationships than the male lead. For example, the female lead’s mother always looked down on the male lead.
The female lead and her mother may have been immersed in the sense of superiority that the female lead was much more attractive than the male lead, and in their contempt for the male lead who had been married for a short time and had no children.
But in reality, the man’s vision should be higher than the woman’s.
Even though the female lead already knew that the male lead had lied to her several times and that he was looking for someone else while keeping his options open, she still couldn’t bear to leave him.
Furthermore, in the chat history, we also see that the boy did not respond to the girl’s emotions.
The girl sent four or five messages, but the boy only replied with one. Clearly, the boy didn’t care much about the girl’s feelings.
Judging from these details, the male protagonist has a broader perspective than the female protagonist, and he also has more choices than she does.
There is a formula for perspective: Perspective = Value / Needs.
Although the female lead is more beautiful than the male lead, and the male lead has been married for a short time and has no children, his family is better off than the female lead’s family.
In other words, the female protagonist has the advantage of reproductive value, while the male protagonist has the advantage of survival value.
According to our theory of “mission psychology”, reproductive value and survival value are both one-dimensional values related to survival.
There is another two-dimensional value in life called relational value, such as the ability to communicate and express oneself, and the ability to regulate one’s emotions.
The value of the relationship between the female lead and the male lead is very low.
When the overall value of both parties is roughly equal, the level of strategic vision depends on their respective needs. (Source of title)
It’s obvious that the female protagonist’s needs are much higher than the male protagonist’s.
The female protagonist said that she lacks a sense of security and likes to report to others, which is a typical state of having high needs.
The more insecure a girl is, the higher her needs become. The higher her needs, the lower her standards become.
It’s like when someone buys something; the more she acts like she needs it, the harder it is for her to negotiate the price.
The overall situation is the potential energy between two parties.
A wise person will understand the principles, seize the opportunity, and master the techniques before doing anything.
Understanding the principles is very difficult, but we must at least learn to “seize the momentum,” which means assessing each other’s potential energy before deciding on a method to do something.
The female protagonist and her mother misjudged the potential energy of her relationship.
Despite being in a weaker position, the female lead’s mother still looked down on the boy and forcefully told him, “I hope he will keep his word in the future.”
When the weaker party makes strong demands, it is extremely damaging to the relationship.
2. Bottom line.
When we talk to people, there is an important art of speaking called “don’t say things that will fall on the ground.”
What does “if it falls to the ground” mean?
For example, if you start by firmly stating “what my bottom line is,” but the other party crosses that line and you remain silent, that’s like “saying something that’s fallen to the ground.”
In the chat logs, the female protagonist said, “Why do you still keep your ex’s contact information even though you have a current partner? This is something I can’t accept.” “I’m telling you now, this is my bottom line.” “If you think I’m being petty by caring that you have contact information with your ex, then forget it.” These three sentences are the female protagonist stating her bottom line.
Clearly, these words are like words that have fallen to the ground. Because this is the second time the guy has paid attention to his ex.
Of course, everyone should have their own bottom line, but we cannot mention it casually.
We need to clarify what constitutes a bottom line and what constitutes a need. If we arbitrarily raise our bottom line and then repeatedly back down, the other party will perceive us as people without any principles.
What is your bottom line? Your bottom line is something you only say once. If the other person crosses your bottom line, you will immediately end the relationship.
Moreover, the female lead’s words were threatening.
When many people raise their bottom line, they are not really stating their bottom line, but rather using it as a way to threaten the other party. No one likes to be threatened.
3. Communication.
The female protagonist is unaware of her own communication style.
Besides arbitrarily raising her bottom line and making threats, the female lead also uses sarcastic communication.
Sarcastic communication is, in fact, a form of violent communication.
For example, the female lead’s words, such as “XXX is quite unforgettable” and “Since you can’t forget XXX , you can just win her back,” are very sarcastic.
Satirical communication is often paired with a dismissive response.
For example, the boy’s reply was “Two different things”, “I followed you by accident”, “What’s wrong with you now?”
The man has already given up and has no intention of coaxing the woman anymore.
The female protagonist’s sarcasm actually stems from her own deep sadness. Many of us use sarcasm and blame to mask our inner sorrow.
So, what constitutes proper communication?
Two approaches: First, open up the emotional core ; the female lead could show vulnerability and say to the male lead:
” As your girlfriend, I feel very sad to see that you have followed your ex-girlfriend again. I hope you will unfollow her.”
Secondly, by opening the rationality center , the female protagonist can say to the male protagonist:
“I want to talk to you about your ex. I want to learn from her mistakes and avoid them in the future.”
As the old saying goes, “One generation plants the trees, another enjoys the shade,” so let’s have a thorough chat tonight. After we’re done, unfollow her.
From tonight onwards, let’s not bring up my ex anymore.
However, judging from the man’s current response, his motivation to maintain this relationship is very low.
Moreover, the man would shift the blame for finding another partner onto his friends; he’s not a man who dares to take responsibility for his actions.
If anything happens between him and the female lead in the future, he might try to shift the blame onto her.
The female lead is good-looking and works in the government system; her criteria for choosing a partner are quite good.
The female protagonist can make different choices, but she must improve her emotional intelligence and become a “clear-headed girl in relationships”.
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