I used MSN to find out details of my boyfriend's cheating.

My story:

Tragedy in love often begins with taking things too seriously. Wouldn’t it be better to turn a blind eye? At least then everything would be complete!

Once trust is lost in a relationship, it’s incredibly difficult to rebuild. That’s exactly what happened between Z and me. Whenever we argue fiercely over the same trivial things, no one would imagine that just two years ago we were so deeply in love.

Yes, they all say I’m an extremely insecure woman. Women’s insecurity is all an act. What woman hasn’t gone through her boyfriend’s or husband’s phone or briefcase ? It’s just that I went a little overboard; I would check his phone’s call history and secretly copy the folder containing his MSN message history from his computer and bring it home.

Z discovered it a few times. A major confrontation was inevitable. I always thought it was because he felt guilty. If you’re doing nothing wrong, what’s there to be afraid of?

The woman’s name was J. She was Z’s high school classmate and first love, whom he broke up with many years ago. Z mentioned her to me, only saying that back then, when we were young, love was like a shooting star. They lived in different cities and maintained a distant relationship.

I’m being too sensitive; I can’t believe that ordinary friends can develop a relationship where they chat online until late at night every day, and occasionally even talk on the phone and send messages. Z told me not to overthink it, saying that J has a boyfriend and he’s just her close male friend. What a disgusting term! It’s utter nonsense.

“So, how do you explain these inappropriate remarks?” I asked Z. He had told her he missed her and wanted to hug her. He had invited her to Shanghai. Z said it was all just a fling, a way to reminisce. What kind of emotional rollercoaster would one experience chatting with a woman they once deeply loved late at night?

I don’t understand. I said, I saw betrayal, and that’s enough to convict you.

However, I ultimately forgave Z for his verbal infidelity. A woman deeply in love with a man has almost zero IQ. At least that’s how I felt; a few sweet words were enough to make me surrender. He said, “I only love you. J is so far away; I’ve even forgotten what she looks like.”

So, with trepidation, I believed him. I overestimated my abilities. I almost collapsed when I saw those intimate photos. Photos of him and her in the bustling streets and alleys of Shanghai. We’d been together for so long, and Z had never taken me to so many places. She finally accepted his invitation. The photos showed the shooting date was the week I was away on a business trip not long ago. At the time, I was quite proud; he would call me every day. All that caring and concern, it turned out, was just a cover for his “crime.”

I should have taken this evidence to Z and left two angry red handprints on his bewildered face. But I didn’t. He’d probably deny it again and feign innocence. I remained calm and continued our dates, smiling all the while. Yesterday, a plan suddenly came to me. Risking being exposed, I created another MSN account, using J’s English name as the username, and added Z’s email address as a contact.

I told Z that I was J, and that I had created a new MSN account specifically to contact him because my boyfriend was controlling my other MSN account. My boyfriend kept a close watch on “me,” even confiscating my phone. At first, he was a little suspicious, but I immediately told him about my trip to Shanghai, which completely put him at ease. He said that he had never forgotten “me” over the years, and that he would be ready to return to “me” at any time if “I” wished.

“And what about your girlfriend?” I asked him deliberately.

Compared to you, she’s just a potential marriage partner.

I was mentally prepared, but hearing the truth still hurt and pained me.

So I grew bolder and said I might be pregnant, and that my period was several days late, which was worrying. I used the most despicable method to try and find out more details, completely losing my rationality, only wanting to test the purity of our love, utterly unaware of what kind of answer I would get.

Z seemed very anxious. “Could there be a mistake? You said you were in your safe period last time! Or, could it be your boyfriend’s? Buy a pregnancy test. If it’s mine, we’ll have the baby.” His words sounded sincere, yet each one was like a sharp blade, piercing my heart. I felt a chill run down my spine, speechless. After a long silence, he couldn’t help but send a question mark. I lost all interest in pretending and desperately wanted to find him immediately. At that moment, I truly felt like killing him. How could a man be so shameless, promising marriage to two women at the same time, and saying it with such sincerity and emotion?

Shortly after the ID I was impersonating, J, went offline, I received my daily call from Z. His tone was gentle, almost indistinct, making it hard to tell if it was real or not. It was as if he were a completely different person from the man I had just met online. I hesitated, then ultimately said nothing.

I’ve been restless all day, terrified that J’s true identity will come online and her lies will be exposed. Of course, if I don’t want to sever all ties with Z, I can easily deny everything. After all, no matter how much Z suspects, he can’t find any evidence. I can even pretend to help him analyze the situation, saying it was J’s boyfriend who did it. He has every reason and right to do so.

My dilemma is whether to confront Z and tell him I know everything and refuse to be deceived by him anymore. If I do, there will be no possibility of reconciliation. I’m already 28; starting a new relationship is unrealistic. But pretending not to know is so unsettling. Every time I close my eyes, I think of Z’s betrayal. In this state, a happy marriage seems impossible. It’s a real dilemma. What should I do?

A friend asked me why I was so stubbornly demanding the truth. This question made me somewhat regret my impulsive decision back then. Sigh… I’m such a foolish, stupid woman.

Experts offer advice:

A few days ago, I was discussing the topic of “losing face” with my girlfriends. It started because a woman we all know, who is quite well-off, married a divorced man who is neither particularly talented nor wealthy. The man divorced his wife for her and had a long and complicated relationship with her ex-wife. Some people said that’s really degrading, and embarrassing to talk about. So you see, they didn’t even have a proper wedding.

In reality, the perception of someone losing value is merely an outsider’s judgment. The person involved might actually be enjoying this second-hand marriage. When you love someone, you need to have a clear answer in your heart about what limits you can accept, so you don’t waver.

Of course, I’ve always believed that it’s beneath a woman’s dignity to do things that violate her self-respect. For example, humbling herself to demand a relationship without status or a future, or always unconditionally forgiving those who betray her. Unconditional generosity and tolerance will never lead to happiness. Such women are truly foolish.

She’s almost 30, and it’s understandable that she’d feel resentful to let go of the opportunity to get married. But isn’t it even more tragic to have a marriage devoid of mutual trust?