I asked 100 girls what it's like to use sex toys.

A while ago, I read a report in *Sanlian Life Weekly* about sex toys. A lot of the data about sex toys in it was quite interesting, for example:

“The transaction volume of sex toys e-commerce was 1.95 billion yuan in 2013, and reached 10.21 billion yuan three years later, a fivefold increase.”

A report by Tmall in 2017 also pointed out that the sales of vibrators in 2017 increased by 51 times compared with 2016.

△The “China Post-80s and Post-90s Sexual Happiness Report” released by the adult toy brand “NetEase Spring Breeze”

Among these, the surge in consumption of women’s sex toys is particularly evident.

For example, when Chunshuitang, one of the online sex toy retailers, was first established in 2003, the ratio of male and female sex toys was 80:20. Now it’s reversed, with female sex toys accounting for 80%.

The article commented as follows:

“Women’s sex toys not only have commercial value in the context of consumption upgrading, but also reflect women’s emotional need to face their desires squarely.”

Are women more sexually driven?

Based on the data above, this seems to be the case; however, the reality is much more complex.

For example, according to data released by the sex toy e-commerce platform “Chunshuitang”, in 2015, 65% of sex toy buyers were male. In other words, although the users were female, the vast majority of orders were placed by men.

According to the “2017 China Online Adult Products Consumption Trend Report”, taking the European market as a reference, female customers account for nearly 70%.

“The domestic women’s market is suppressed and has huge potential for development.”

From this data, we can conclude that while the demand for sex toys has increased, this does not necessarily mean that the demand is generated by women’s own desires. In many cases, women’s use of sex toys is driven by men’s guidance or cooperation.

In other words, many times, a woman’s desires need an “arouser” or “enlightener,” and the “arouser” or “enlightener” is often a man.

What is it like in real life?

With this question in mind, I conducted a questionnaire survey, asking more than 100 women who had used female sex toys about their feelings and experiences of female sexual desire.

More than 100 girls shared their erotic experiences.

The questionnaire started with two multiple-choice questions.

First, where did you get your first sex toy? Second, how do you usually use it? Do you use it alone or with your partner?

The reason for asking these two questions is that they can clearly show who is the dominant figure in female sexuality.

More than 100 friends filled out our questionnaire. Among them, 65% of the girls said that their first sex toy was bought by themselves, and 21% was a gift from their partners.

These two figures suggest that the majority of women in the survey are “self-sufficient.” In other words, they proactively discover their desires and achieve sexual pleasure alone.

Next, a questionnaire survey was conducted to find out how often women used sex toys.

Among them, 81% of women said they did not have a fixed frequency of use, and would use it whenever they felt like it; while about 14% of them said they would use it at least once a week.

In addition, the questionnaire included some open-ended questions. One of them was: After experiencing sexual pleasure, what new experiences/feelings did you gain?

The answer to this question surprised me somewhat. Because a significant number of women, in their experiences using sex toys, mentioned the toys’ practical functionality:

“It brings you to orgasm quickly, is very efficient, or very stress-relieving, and makes you sleep well after using it.”

Judging from these functional descriptions, it seems that for women, masturbation is not like occasionally going out for a fancy meal, which is an embellishment above life, but has become a part of daily life.

Indeed, in response to the next question, “What does ‘sex’ mean to women?”, many women gave almost identical answers—as normal as eating and sleeping.

Some women said that sex toys opened up a new world for them. For example, some said, “I can have orgasms every time,” others said, “Sex can be self-sufficient,” and “I have a better understanding of my own body parts,” etc.

When asked what kind of porn they like, the answers were quite varied:

Beautiful and romantic, BDSM, multiple people, male-male, female-female. Some women have a very clear understanding of their own tastes. For example, some girls say they like “many back movements”, “a hazy style with no scene changes”, or “muscular men with very alpha eyes”.

These details reveal that many women already have considerable experience in their sexual exploration.

From the questionnaires of these 100 women, we can get a glimpse into their views on sexuality. It can be said that a large portion of them have a strong sense of autonomy and control over their desires.

They understand their desires, know what kind of pornographic books or videos will arouse their interest, know how to make themselves happy, and thanks to the emergence of sex toys, they are able to face and release their desires well, dealing with their sexual needs as naturally as eating and sleeping.

From this perspective, we might think, “Wow, everyone’s so open-minded.” But we need to be aware that the source of these 100+ data points is mainly Douban and information disseminated within some feminist WeChat groups.

Therefore, its sample is limited to communities that have some understanding of women’s issues and rights, and is insufficient to reflect the experience of the entire Chinese women’s group.

Next, I’d like to talk to you specifically about the historical face of female desire.

Women’s sexuality has always been suppressed and stigmatized.

I grew up in a relatively conservative environment.

In junior and senior high school, in the girls’ restrooms, you would often hear gossip about classmates who weren’t virgins, and a common phrase was “slept with.” In addition, you would often hear things like, “Girls shouldn’t give away their virginity easily, otherwise people will think you’re promiscuous.”

When people say “a woman at forty is like a tiger,” it’s always tinged with a sarcastic and mocking tone.

“Conservatism” also means that sexual experience is something men can boast about, and a secret that women can never tell.

It can be said that women’s sexuality is suppressed and stigmatized from a young age.

On the one hand, women with no sexual experience are hailed as chaste saints, while on the other hand, women with multiple sexual experiences are degraded as “sluts”.

Women’s sexual experiences and feelings are not derived from their own experiences, but are defined by patriarchal society.

When it comes to female desire, I would like to share a book with you called “Miss Sophie’s Diary,” written by Ding Ling, a famous female writer from the Republican era.

This book was written in 1928, 91 years ago. Although it is old, you can see that the protagonist of this book, Sophie, had views on sex and love that were even more advanced than today.

This book, written in the form of a diary, tells the story of Sophie’s feelings about love.

In her diary, Safi is a young girl with a lung disease who falls in love with a Singaporean university student named Ling Jishi. She falls in love with him at first sight, or more precisely, she falls in love with his good looks.

I’d like to share a description of Ms. Sophie’s first meeting with him:

How can I describe the beauty of this saint?
Certainly, his tall stature, fair face, thin lips, and soft hair are enough to dazzle the eyes, but he also possesses an indescribable and elusive charm that stirs your heart.
For example, when I asked him his name, he would hand over the business card with an unhurried attitude that I could never have imagined.
I looked up, and oh, I saw those two bright red, tender, deeply recessed corners of their mouths. Can I tell anyone? I was gazing at those two adorable little things with the longing of a child asking for candy?
But I know that this society won’t allow me to freely obtain what I want to satisfy my impulses and desires, no matter how harmless it may be; so I can only endure it, lower my head, and silently read the words on the business card:
“Ling Jishi, Singapore…”

This description immediately reminded me of today’s “little fresh meat” (young, handsome male celebrities). They are delicate and lively, not the kind of masculine type, but rather a kind of “beauty”—with fair skin, small cheeks, soft hair, and bright red, tender dimples.

This can be described as a woman’s “gaze” at a man, a very proactive way of looking. The woman’s desire is aroused.

Shafi is the subject, and the Singapore boy is the object being observed.

The reason this novel is considered “ahead of its time” is that in Chinese tradition, it is almost impossible to find such a straightforward and uncritical description of female desire.

She’s either the kind of pampered young lady who remains chaste and pure, forever shy and passive, or a woman who takes the initiative in pursuing her desires is often portrayed as a “slut.”

Su Tong’s novel “Wives and Concubines” features a promiscuous character—the Third Wife. This novel was later adapted into a film by director Zhang Yimou, titled “Raise the Red Lantern.”

The historical background of “Wives and Concubines” is the 1920s, which is almost the same time as Ding Ling’s “Miss Sophie’s Diary”, but the women in it have a very different appearance.

“Wives and Concubines” tells the story of Songlian, an educated female college student, who is forced to marry into a feudal family as their fourth wife due to the decline of her family’s fortunes.

The patriarch of this family, Mr. Chen, had already married three wives before marrying her.

Although Songlian is the main character in this story, the one who impressed me the most was the third wife, Meishan. This third wife had stunning beauty and was also very good at singing opera.

Before Songlian married into the Chen family, she was Master Chen’s most favored wife, but after he had a younger wife, he became increasingly neglectful of her.

So, this third wife, Mei Shan, went on an affair with a doctor.

Su Tong’s description of her desires is brilliant. He writes that on the day Songlian went to Meishan’s room to play mahjong, the doctor she was having an affair with was also there:

“When a card fell off during the shuffling, Songlian bent down to pick it up and immediately noticed the shape of their four legs. The four legs hidden under the table were originally tightly intertwined, and they separated quickly and naturally, but Songlian definitely saw it.”

The four intertwined legs under the mahjong table—in that very instant, perfectly depicted repressed female desire. She was furtive, yet it burst forth in the smallest details.

In that society, such desires were punished.

It was a snowy winter day. Before Mei Shan left home, Song Lian saw her and said, “Such heavy snow, are you going out?” Mei Shan replied, “What’s there to be afraid of in heavy snow? As long as I can have fun, I’ll go out even if it’s raining knives.”

Meishan wanted to be happy, but ultimately her desire for happiness turned into a tragedy.

She was eventually thrown into the deep well in the courtyard by Master Chen and died. Because the book says, “That’s the fate of an adulteress.”

In one scene of the novel, Master Chen and Songlian share a room, but Master Chen cannot get an erection. He then wants Songlian to perform oral sex on him. Songlian is surprised and says, “Wouldn’t that make me a dog?” When Master Chen sees Songlian’s refusal, he says, “You’re pretending to be innocent even when you’re a whore.”

It is evident that in traditional sexual relationships, female desire is hidden and must be subservient to male desire.

The novel “Wives and Concubines” reflects the different survival strategies of women in a patriarchal society.

The first wife chose to endure, the second wife chose to become the ideal persona in a patriarchal society, the third wife chose to escape patriarchy and pursue her own desires, ultimately sacrificing herself tragically. The fourth wife, Songlian, had her own principles, but ultimately could not survive in it and became a madwoman.

For women, the ability to experience sexual pleasure is not innate.

Having discussed these points, let’s return to the questionnaire itself.

What exactly is female desire? In today’s society, are these women with desires like Ms. Sophie, or the third wife in “Wives and Concubines”?

French philosopher Georges Bataille said in his work *Eroticism*:

“Women are not more likely to arouse desire; rather, they offer themselves to desire. They make themselves objects, offering themselves to men’s aggressive desires.”
In other words, it’s not that women are more beautiful or more arousing than men. Rather, it’s that women, through long-term observation, have learned how to transform themselves into objects of male desire.

Bataille’s statement can help us understand the question of “why women’s desires are suppressed.” In real life, aren’t our desires also disciplined by things in the world?

We see men fantasizing about women everywhere, but it’s rare for women to “lose control” because of men’s bodies. Perhaps this is because women in our society have never had the right to actively look at men, and men have therefore not been disciplined in this way, nor trained to make themselves objects of desire.

What impressed me most was that in the questionnaire, when one girl asked about her experience and feelings after experiencing pleasure, she said:

“You’ll realize that this is what sexual pleasure should be like, and you’ll be able to better understand what you want to get from sex, thus avoiding faking orgasm for men.”

This girl’s words reflect the predicament of many women’s desires in today’s society.

On the one hand, due to the unequal definition of male and female desires in society, having sex with men does not necessarily enable women to experience sexual pleasure; on the other hand, the emergence of sex toys and the increased acceptance of masturbation among women have allowed more and more women to experience a kind of autonomous sexual pleasure that they bring themselves.

From this perspective, it can be called a sexual liberation .

As a friend once said, the ability to achieve sexual pleasure is not innate for women; it requires constant exploration and experimentation.

If “Wives and Concubines” is a tragedy of women in an era, then “Miss Sophie’s Diary” shows us the possibilities of female desire brought about by new social trends.

In that questionnaire of 100 girls, I also saw many “Ms. Safi” who were at the forefront, making the pursuit of desires a daily part of their lives.

It is hoped that more and more women will be able to enjoy the pleasure and freedom that desire brings.

PS: The views expressed in this article are solely those of the contributing author.

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I asked 100 girls what it’s like to use sex toys.