During my graduate studies, I secretly became a sex toy tester.

I am a sex toy tester and part-time graduate school entrance exam tutor. Of course, you can also say the other way around.

I rarely talk about my main job with others, not because I feel ashamed, but because I’m afraid of being bombarded with questions like: Is your industry very chaotic? Do you have a big “appetite”? Coupled with an ambiguous expression that says, “You know what I mean.”

I’ll just say it all out in one go today, so you don’t have to peek through the window.

My exposure to this profession was purely accidental.

I was born into a military family. My parents, grandparents, and maternal grandparents were all from the military, and the atmosphere in my family was almost too serious. When I got my first period, my mother threw a sanitary napkin into the toilet and said, “Don’t make such a fuss. Aren’t you ashamed if your dad hears you?”

I’m almost graduating from high school, and I still blush when I touch a boy’s hand. As for hugging and kissing, I don’t even dare to think about it. All I can think about is my mother’s lecture: “You’re so young, aren’t you ashamed?”

The change occurred when I was in college.

That day, my roommate asked us to look at something together. She couldn’t contain her excitement and said she had copied it from her boyfriend’s computer. We opened a folder called “Study Hard,” and inside were all sorts of videos with proper names: Advanced Mathematics, Linear Algebra… We were as excited as if we were opening a lottery, and we picked one called “Ideological and Moral Cultivation” to open.

Of course, the video content was a Japanese adult film. And I must say, the actress in the film, wearing a Japanese JK uniform, was indeed beautiful. The four of us girls watched carefully, pretending to complain, “Oh dear, so embarrassing, turn it off!”

That’s what they said, but no one looked away or clicked “exit.” Instead, everyone’s eyes were wide open. Looking at the explicit images on the computer screen, I naturally had a physical reaction.

It’s often said that men are lustful, but women are lustful too.

Since that experience of being an “accomplice,” our dorm’s late-night conversations have become even more uninhibited. Some of the girls already had sexual experience, so they would openly share their feelings. For example, boys would unconsciously reach for the breasts and buttocks when kissing, the “first time” in TV dramas didn’t happen to them, it was painful at first, but it got better after getting used to each other, and they could feel the compatibility between their bodies, etc.

I lay in bed, straining to hear, barely daring to breathe, yet my body was restless with desire.

Food and sex are human nature. Nothing can stop a girl’s curiosity about her body, so I mustered up the courage and bought the same prop I saw in the video. It’s a vibrating egg, pink in color, and the vibration frequency can be controlled via a mobile phone.

Everything can be planned. Before placing the order, I carefully consulted the seller about the differences between the various models. The seller recommended the smallest size based on my situation. I was still quite hesitant, repeatedly confirming whether the packaging would give anything away and whether it would be noticed when I received the package. After all, it’s the school’s group courier point, with students from the entire department coming and going, and I was afraid of being discovered.

After the seller’s repeated assurances and the customer service’s patient explanations, I finally paid and placed the order. During the days I waited for the package, I was both anxious and excited, like waiting for my online romance to blossom into reality. When I received the package, I was like a mouse emerging from its hole, terrified that someone I knew would see me, or that someone might be able to peek through the box and see what was inside. Thankfully, the package’s appearance was indeed as the seller had described—absolutely discreet.

On the first weekend after receiving the package, I opened the box when no one was in the dorm.

Small and oval-shaped, less than half the size of my palm, the silicone surface was soft, but when I poked it with my finger, the inside was hard—probably the motor. I tiptoed out of bed, rinsed myself with cold water, then climbed back into bed and curled up under the covers. I turned it on, and the tingling, buzzing sound was like bread bubbling in an oven. Afraid of being heard, I quickly turned it off, then opened the included lubricant and applied it to my genitals before slowly inserting the vibrator. I turned on the control panel on my phone, and a jolt of stimulation shot straight to my head. My body and mind were satisfied; something had broken and then been filled again. The moment it entered my body, I felt like I had become a real woman; I had made a sexual choice.

Out of excitement, I wrote a 300-word anonymous review for the seller after using it, expressing my love for it.

Four days later, the seller suddenly messaged me privately, saying that he could provide me with various props for free, as long as I was willing to continue writing reviews seriously, and that I would receive 300 yuan for each qualified review.

Although I was happy, I was still a little wary and asked, “Do I need to provide any pictures or something?”

The shop owner said that it wasn’t necessary, just the written impressions would suffice, but they had to be genuine.

I was poor, greedy for money, and felt there were no safety concerns, so I agreed.

Since it was a job after all, I decided to do my homework before starting. At the time, I was reading Wang Xiaobo’s books and knew that his wife, Li Yinhe, was a sexologist, so I started reading Li Yinhe’s “Asian Sadomasochistic Sexual Culture”.

Like most people, before reading this book, I couldn’t understand certain circles and even regarded them as sexual perversions. However, Li Yinhe said in her article “The Clitoris is a Miracle” that a reasonable society should be one in which each member is subjected to the least amount of repression (it is impossible to have no repression at all), and one in which each person can obtain the maximum amount of happiness and self-realization.

If we actively suppress even our own physical pleasures, how can we obtain pure and passionate joy in life?

With an open and curious mind, I began to learn about Japanese sexual culture and read many online posts from sexually liberated individuals.

A week later, based on my personal preferences, I selected a few more props from a Taobao shop: two candles, a banana-shaped vibrator, and a pair of nipple clamps with pink bells hanging from the front. Practice makes perfect, and I began to boldly experience the pleasure of these items in my empty dorm room, writing reviews and sending them to the seller, who then paid me as promised.

My journey as a sex toy tester officially begins here.

After a while, I got to know the seller and we added each other on WeChat.

I once asked her, why do I need to write these evaluations?

She told me that because my first post was so honest, few people can truly enjoy sex toys with such passion and purity. She also wanted to write about customers’ genuine feelings in her product descriptions, instead of the generic, cold introductions. When she was studying abroad, she saw elderly women strolling hand-in-hand through sex toy stores, openly discussing sexual happiness with their friends, while Chinese people were still stuck in a phase of sexual shame. “There aren’t many truly happy things in life, and this is one of the more easily attainable,” she said. “I just want everyone to be able to experience happiness more honestly.”

Seeing her reply, I thought, wow, she’s a philosopher.

Out of curiosity, during my first summer break from graduate school, I asked to work as a customer service representative for an online store to understand the demographics of consumers of sex toys. The store owner said, “Customer service isn’t that simple. You’d better think it over.” I confidently assured him that I had no problem.

The shop owner sent over a detailed work document, which consisted of five long pages.

Customer service hours are from 8:30 AM to 10:00 PM. Customers can reply via mobile phone, but responses must be completed within three minutes. The shop owner will pre-set automatic replies for some questions to reduce the workload for customer service staff.

Before placing an order, most customers will inquire about the product’s features. Therefore, customer service representatives need to be familiar with the features and suitable users of each product in the store, and make reasonable recommendations after understanding the customer’s needs.

She would send me samples of every item in the store, in case a customer needed actual photos, so that I could get to know the products.

Finally, after the customer receives the product, ask about their experience, rate and evaluate it, and make a summary record.

In my work, I’ve noticed that most buyers of sex toys are men, who tend to choose mid- to high-priced products. Women, on the other hand, are often more meticulous than men. While men tend to place orders directly, women will ask basic questions such as whether the toys are truly waterproof, whether they are very noisy, and whether using them will affect the quality of their sex life with their partners.

Some female customers would proactively explain why they wanted to buy sex toys. Most were complete beginners, just like I was at the beginning, knowing nothing and simply wanting to safely experience physical pleasure. There were also experienced customers who mentioned having had two children and wanting to add some spice to their lives with sex toys.

Of all the customers, one stands out in my memory the most.

That night at ten o’clock, just as I was about to leave work, the phone rang again. It was a woman; you could tell just by her name. Her question was rather strange; at least, I rarely recall clients asking such questions.

She asked how long it would last.

During our subsequent conversation, I learned that she was a 46-year-old woman whose husband had died in a car accident ten years prior, along with their only son. She was the only survivor. She hadn’t remarried and lived alone, her life slowly moving forward. However, the suppression of her sexual needs for so long had worsened her emotional state; she had even seen a psychologist but hadn’t been honest with the doctor about her sexuality due to shame. While browsing Taobao, she happened to see the product in the store and finally mustered the courage to ask about it.

It was through her that I truly understood the Chinese people’s reluctance to talk about sex. When I was in school, no one taught us about contraception. Even in junior high, we had to cover up and chase the boys away during sex education classes, as if it were best for a person to have no sexual experience before adulthood. But after graduating, parents would urge us to get married and have children, as if our sex was merely a tool for reproduction. Even after marriage, a mature 46-year-old woman still felt ashamed about sex.

I think it shouldn’t be like this. Gaining pleasure is our nature, and sex shouldn’t be an add-on to anything.

That evening, I gave the lady a detailed introduction to several toys that I had personally tried, and made recommendations based on her needs. Her later review warmed my heart.

“Thank you for the recommendation, lovely customer service representative. It’s perfect for me. It’s the happiest thing I’ve felt since all that happened. As a slightly older woman, there are some things I find hard to say to those around me, some needs that I’ve suppressed and taken away from me, which I’ve always taken for granted. It’s unimaginable in my generation that young people today can so boldly pursue themselves. I wish you all the best.”

The encouragement from clients made me feel proud of my profession. From then on, I paid even more attention, developing corresponding hard and soft evaluations for various products. Hard evaluations included indicators such as product portability, texture, size, vibration frequency, irritation level, and water resistance. Soft evaluations included whether the product packaging was pleasing, whether the colors were eye-catching, the suitable user groups and usage scenarios, and whether it was suitable for couples to use together, etc.

In the shop owner’s words, it’s hardcore fun!

However, despite how well I was doing at my job, my family was still in an uproar when they accidentally discovered the sex toys I had hidden in the closet. Words like “shameless” and “undignified” rained down on me. My mother even cried; she couldn’t understand how her obedient daughter could do such a thing. I think it’s like how I can’t understand why I, as a girl, don’t receive the affection of my grandparents. These are all marks left on us by the times.

After graduating with my master’s degree, I found a job as a tutor at a postgraduate entrance exam preparation institution, mainly to give my family some peace of mind. I pretended to agree to resign and return to “normal.” From then on, I was a highly motivated tutor during the day, and my real job only came into play at night.

The shop owner, Dongdong, jokingly called my “rebellion in bed.”

I asked, “How come you’re so lucky that your family didn’t chase after you and beat you?”

She laughed on the other end of the voice call, avoiding answering, and said, “The next generation won’t have anyone being chased and beaten up.”

Indeed, the situation facing our next generation should be viewed with more optimism. In fact, I have met some enlightened parents from our parents’ generation.

One weekend morning, I attended an exhibition about sex culture. I thought the only attendees would be trendy kids my age dressed in designer brands and wearing elaborate makeup, but when I arrived at the venue, I was surprised to find that there were also people dressed in casual clothes with underage children.

I followed a mother who was dressed casually in light-colored clothes and holding the hand of her daughter, who was about the same height as her. The little girl pointed to a long glass table and asked, “Mommy, why are there so many styles of condoms, some with spikes, and they even come in different sizes? Aren’t they all one size fits all?”

Mom wasn’t angry; instead, she was amused and said, “Boys’ sizes come in different sizes, just like girls’ breasts. If you wore your elementary school bra now, would it feel too tight?”

The daughter nodded, staring intently at the condoms in the glass display case, her eyes clear and devoid of lust.

I stood behind them, watching the girl’s open curiosity and the mother’s clear answer, and I remembered Dongdong’s words: “No one will chase after us to beat us in the next generation.”

These are photos of exhibits I took at the museum (provided by the author).

What’s shameful isn’t sex itself, but us who think sex is shameful.

Fortunately, more and more people are no longer as afraid to talk about sex. According to big data from an e-commerce platform, sales of adult products in China are constantly increasing, and the industry’s market size is expected to exceed $8 billion by 2020. Although men are currently the main purchasing power, accounting for 69% of the total consumer group and 72% of the transaction volume, these figures are bound to change as women become more independent and sexual attitudes gradually open up.

I’ve noticed that the girls coming to our store for consultations are getting younger. They’re more open about their sexual needs and willing to pay for their happiness. Some even ask us to package the products as gift boxes, saying they’re Valentine’s Day gifts for their boyfriends.

Customers also ask me all sorts of questions: “I’ve never had sex, but I enjoy masturbating. Am I still considered a virgin?” “My partner’s sexual desires are too strong, and I’m unhappy about it. Can I just tell him directly?” “My husband says he doesn’t like sex. Is it my problem or his?” “My daughter has been sexually assaulted. Should I report it to the police? What will happen to my daughter if I do?” “I see my child masturbating. Should I tell him off?”

As I continue to refine the product usage reports, I also, just like Dongdong did, request feedback from each customer regarding their user experience. Some people simply ignore me, some curse at me, and some agree but then never follow up again.

However, some people, like I was back then, meticulously record their experiences using the product. They explore their bodies, honestly facing their desires and pleasures. I diligently collect their feedback, compiling it into data and articles for future clients to reference.

On the path of sex that everyone must go through, we have too many questions that need to be explained and answered.

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During my graduate studies, I secretly became a sex toy tester.