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Return To ShopNot Shared Worldviews, But No Blame Games — The Key to Long Love
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I often hear people say that only those with similar values are truly compatible, and that you should associate with people who share your values…
However, everyone has different backgrounds, experiences, and environments, making it difficult for them to have completely consistent views.
There are no perfectly compatible souls in this world; all good relationships require careful cultivation.
A truly mature relationship doesn’t require complete alignment of values; what’s important is not arguing about right and wrong.01
- Not arguing about right or wrong is the greatest way to show filial piety to parents.
Someone once asked me online, “What is the thing you regret the most?”
One netizen shared their story in the comments section of the post.
He said, “As a child, I think that sometimes what hurts a mother the most is arguing with her about right and wrong.”
The netizen’s mother, who is over seventy years old, often goes to the supermarket early in the morning to queue for a few free eggs. However, the mother has arthritis, and her legs and feet hurt when she is tired. She often has to see a doctor after queuing.
Every time he brought his mother back from the doctor’s, he would throw a tantrum, yelling, “How much are a few eggs worth? Why are you making such a fuss?”
My mother is also very superstitious.
He always forwards fake health articles on his WeChat Moments. Every time he sees them, he scolds me, “Mom, these are all fake. Can you please stop embarrassing me?”
One day, his mother came to him again with great interest and asked, “I spent 500 yuan online to buy a set of hair darkening products. Can you take a look and see if my gray hair has decreased a lot?”
He was about to speak up and criticize her when he looked up and saw his mother’s full head of white hair.
Yes, the hair-darkening formula I bought for 500 yuan was completely useless; on the contrary, my mother had even more gray hair.
But in that instant, he suddenly realized that his mother hadn’t done anything wrong; she was just getting old.
The values that were used to educate him when he was a child now seem so outdated, and the people who supported him when he was a child have now been abandoned by the times.
He seemed to suddenly understand his mother.
“It turns out that she wanted to save money on eggs, thinking that it would give her more security. She believed in those health articles because she wanted to have good health and not be a burden on her children.”
But we, as children, always understand too late.
We can always easily spot our parents’ mistakes and tell them perfectly what is okay and what is not.
We won the argument, but in the end, we were met with silence from our parents.
The Book of Rites says that the first step in filial piety is to “bring joy to the heart”.
When we argue and debate right and wrong, we don’t realize that what our parents need is simply care and companionship.
Many of our parents’ ideas and behaviors may seem outdated or old-fashioned to us, but they are the result of their past lives.
Instead of arguing, let’s empathize.
Recognizing your parents’ limitations, understanding their vulnerabilities, and being tolerant in all things is the greatest filial piety a child can show.
02
- Regardless of status, this is the best way to show respect to friends.
I once heard a saying that people respect you not because you are excellent, but because they are excellent.
The more mature a person is, the less likely they are to impose their own principles on others, and the less likely they are to extinguish the light of others when they are shining.
Self-media author @XiaoNian once wrote about her roommate’s story.
My roommate comes from a wealthy family and has traveled to dozens of countries before college. He also has excellent grades and received scholarships every year during his time at university.
She came from a small town and didn’t have any special skills.
However, since they shared a dormitory and both loved literature, they quickly became friends.
On weekdays, my roommate likes to eat Western food, while Xiao Nian prefers roadside stalls. My roommate likes to read foreign classics, while Xiao Nian likes Wang Xiaobo’s humor and incisiveness.
The two had been together for four years without any arguments, and Xiao Nian once thought that she and her roommate were kindred spirits with similar values.
It wasn’t until they graduated and went their separate ways, and Xiao Nian met many people in society and witnessed more complex human nature, that she realized that her former roommate had always been accommodating to her values and cared about their friendship.
Often, we hope to meet compatible friends, but what’s even more precious than being kindred spirits from the start is the compromise and tolerance we make to maintain that relationship.
The comedy master Charlie Chaplin had a fan friend who greatly admired him.
This friend was a baseball fan, and he enthusiastically showed Chaplin around his various baseball collections, which Chaplin followed with great interest.
Later, Chaplin even asked someone to find his friend’s favorite baseball star and get an autographed baseball cap to give to his friend.
Chaplin and this friend, despite their vastly different social statuses and interests, were able to put in such dedication, which is truly admirable.
So even when his temples were gray, his friends still remembered this precious friendship:
“It is my greatest honor to have been Chaplin’s friend in this lifetime.”He taught me what true respect and true friendship mean; his radiant character has illuminated my entire life.
People often lament how easily hearts can grow cold, and always say that good relationships require being in sync, but there are no people in the world whose thoughts and actions can be completely in sync.
Seeking common ground is a pursuit, but respecting differences is what tests a person’s wisdom.
Precious friendship has never been about status or hierarchy.
More important than having compatible values is caring for each other and working together to build a relationship.
Often, the most precious thing in the world is when you help me along the way and I help you along the way, and in the end we don’t lose each other.
03
- Not arguing about winning or losing is the greatest tenderness you can show your partner.
In one episode of “Qipa Talk,” a debater shared his story.
Once, he and his girlfriend had an argument over a small matter. They both felt they were right and neither was willing to give in.
As a debater, he easily found the logical flaws in his girlfriend’s argument, and then listed his arguments to refute her one by one.
Unexpectedly, his girlfriend got even angrier after he finished speaking.
He then realized that he could use reason to suppress the other person, but what his girlfriend needed was love and tenderness.
When we are young, we are used to being aggressive and always trying to crush others with an attitude of absolute correctness in order to gain a sense of spiritual superiority.
Only after experiencing the ups and downs of life do we realize that in the mundane details of daily life, respect is more important than winning or losing in making a relationship last.
The so-called touching story of a couple living in perfect harmony is nothing more than two people tolerating each other and creating a warm scene in the ordinary years.
Zhou Youguang, the father of Pinyin, and his wife Zhang Yunhe were a famous linguist and a well-to-do lady from a wealthy family.
These two people from such different backgrounds never compete with each other in life.
One of them likes Western musical instruments, the other loves Chinese music, one loves coffee, and the other loves tea.
But the two never compare whose hobbies are more sophisticated, and they will even take the time to accompany each other to do what the other likes.
The two would argue, but Zhou Youguang never got angry. He would never use accusatory language to criticize his wife, nor would he show off his knowledge.
If you were to ask them the secret to their long and happy marriage, it would probably be compromise and respect in the mundane moments of daily life.
The writer Ai Xiaoyang once wrote the following:
“Don’t constantly discuss values and argue about right and wrong in close relationships. Instead, learn to reflect on yourself and be grateful, and understand that intimacy is more important than being right, and tolerance is more important than trying to change someone.”
Because in this world, what’s more precious than love at first sight is spending a lifetime together.
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I once heard a saying that all relationships in the world ultimately come down to your relationship with yourself.
A relationship can only mature through the wisdom and self-cultivation of the individuals involved.
Understanding how to seek common ground while reserving differences, and how to respect and be considerate, are essential for making relationships warmer and more enduring over time.
Click ” Like” and may those around you stay by your side for a long time.
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