Most Couples Get It Wrong on Normal Intimacy Frequency

This is truly a mysterious puzzle in the universe! Doesn’t it?

On this issue, most of my female friends usually have a common answer: “Some are dying of thirst, while others are drowning in floods.”

Of course, those who say this are usually the ones who die of thirst.

The reason this matter is worth discussing and collecting is mainly because it is not simple.

Whether it’s purely about physical intimacy or involves emotions—in short, the question of love—makes a difference in perceived value.

If it’s just a physical need, then the frequency is actually based on physiological requirements.

The reason why there are terms like “paying grain to the state” is precisely because it represents “daily work” that is not a physiological requirement (wow, I think this term is so accurate, let me give myself a thumbs up first).

In these kinds of sayings, physical pleasure is only part of it; more importantly, sex has become a guarantee of psychological security for many couples.

Is there any point in having sex just for the sake of having sex?

Regardless of the question of how often is considered normal for a woman to be touched, every girl may have a different understanding.

First, I’d like to thank the interviewees who shared their ideal schedules.

Let’s take a look:

@LeadingLittleDelinquentGirl, 28-year-old single bank employee

I’ve been single for so long I’m almost too tired to discuss this issue anymore, but I’ll still share my opinion. In my view, at least twice a week. I was with my ex-boyfriend for a year and a half, and most men are like that. I understand periods of physical fatigue, but it has to become a habit. I remember he argued with me back then, saying I was shameless and always initiating things. Nonsense, what era are we living in? Men are allowed to flirt with girls all the time, but we can’t have needs when we’re seriously together? To be honest, it’s not like I’m really aroused every time I bring it up. You know, women aren’t particularly focused on that, but he has to understand that I’m his girlfriend. Don’t tell me to take care of it myself. Who knows if you’re masturbating to a Japanese actress or having an affair? It’s like a dog peeing while on a walk; it doesn’t necessarily pee right there, but it marks its territory, right? It shows its territory, right? Anyway, that’s my opinion.

@Xiaomiao, 25-year-old freelancer with boyfriend

I think this is definitely a matter of opinion, and it’s hard to define a specific timeframe. When you want it, you need it immediately; when you don’t, a month is normal. I don’t like linking this to love; that’s nonsense. It’s really just about proving loyalty, about being afraid there’s something wrong. Is it really meaningful to use a combination of pleading, coercion, and manipulation for this? Forget about romance! Is that love? It’s like you’re raping him! Why bother? Why is it usually women who make this request? It’s simple: women are more insecure. I’m a woman, but I think women should focus their energy on more meaningful things, on making themselves better. Isn’t that more sustainable and stable than counting down the days until they have sex?

@Miss Dai’s Wardrobe, 28-year-old fashion designer, single

Damn, I have something to say about this! All three or four of my ex-boyfriends were like tigers at the beginning of a relationship, but after a while, they were all sluggish in bed! But I don’t think that proves anything. I understand, nobody can be a perpetual motion machine. If you insist on wanting it every day, you’ll get sick of it, okay? It also increases the chances of getting pregnant. Don’t you understand the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? It’s like the stock market, there are bull and bear markets, highs and lows. If someone really wants you every day, they’d probably have sex addiction, are you scared?! I think as long as there’s some, it’s fine. It depends on the individual. Two or three times a month is enough, right? Be content. My girlfriends who have been married for about three years basically only get to have sex once a year, okay? Not all men are one-dimensional. If they don’t want you, they’ll definitely want someone else. You’ve been watching too much animal documentary. I think all the feminists shouting are useless, but they’re all busy labeling men and reading motivational quotes. Why not just change your mindset and find a different man? I don’t care!

@30-year-old married actuary

I think those girls who say it doesn’t matter how often they come have sex have probably never been married. Isn’t calculating how often you should be touched boring? Yes! Isn’t paying your dues meaningless? Yes! But compared to a divorce and going your separate ways, which is more important? Of course, I’m not saying these two things are completely related, but controlling a man’s lower body is definitely more important than racking your brains to manage his money. I’ve been married for a year, and I demand that my husband have sex with me every week. Whether he exceeds that is his problem, but it’s a must. If he can’t get an erection, I’ll give him a pill! Let’s see what he does then! Of course, he doesn’t completely resist. Frankly, he knows it’s not a big deal, but if he doesn’t agree, I’ll cause trouble. I agree with what Seres said about marriage being a business transaction. Since it’s a business transaction, the fact that he agreed to my seemingly harsh request means I’ve definitely made sacrifices for him—being attentive, managing the household well, and maintaining my figure. Otherwise, do you think being forceful is effective? If being forceful seems to work, it means I’ve truly put in the effort and have the ability.

@Marlboro ICE, 27-year-old single pharmacy employee

We broke up not long ago, and of course, it wasn’t because he didn’t touch me. Personally, I don’t have a strict requirement for how often we have sex; I’m not a teddy bear who’ll sleep with everything. So, two or three times a month is about right. Speaking of which, I actually had an ex-boyfriend who wanted it every day for a full six months! After we broke up, I lost track of his intensity. He seemed like a very refined person, but his behavior in bed was completely different. It’s really getting frustrating. When I work the day shift, I’m exhausted, basically standing all day, and when I get home I just want to catch up on sleep. He won’t let me, he insists on going at it, and as a result, I haven’t been getting enough rest, and I’m constantly drowsy at work. I’ve had a serious talk with him about this, but he’s quite chauvinistic and thinks it’s embarrassing for a woman to talk to him about this, so he got angry and gave up. From this, I just feel like he’s not very considerate of me. It’s not that I dislike having sex with him—after all, he’s my boyfriend—but I think it’s really bad for him to always be so selfish. I don’t know if this kind of answer is considered unusual among girls, but I’m not frigid!

@Changqian, a 29-year-old property management worker, has a boyfriend.

Anyway, I feel like there’s something wrong if we don’t have sex! It’s true, I don’t trust men. Maybe it’s related to my family background. My current boyfriend and I basically have sex every other day. I don’t force him; sometimes he just wants it himself! Some people might think this kind of test of affection is boring or forced, but isn’t that what men and women do? Life is short, and I don’t believe you can still be so energetic when you’re seventy or eighty. My frequent sex isn’t just because I don’t trust men to hold back; it’s because we both genuinely enjoy sex. It depends on the person. Personally, I’m a woman with a strong sex drive, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. He also enjoys it, so it’s a perfect match. I had ex-boyfriends who weren’t enthusiastic, and I was very firm, demanding at least one or two times a week. Well, there’s no way around it then; if you’re not going to have sex, don’t bother me.

@Muxi, 31 years old, single, working on a new media project for a well-known water park.

I don’t have that kind of worry. I’ve been single for five years, but I’ve had my fair share of sex. I meet several men to satisfy my physical needs, whether they’re married or not, it’s not about finding love. We settle the bill and go our separate ways. So how often a man touches me depends entirely on how often I want to. There are plenty of men who want to take advantage and are attracted to me. The reason I chose to remain single is because I’ve realized that mutually binding relationships are a serious blow to each other’s humanity. Rather than living a life of constant testing and spying, it’s better to openly follow my own interests. But then again, maybe it’s only because there are so many men and women in this era who share my views that so many married women are so afraid to discuss the rather perverse topic of how often a man should touch them to be considered normal.

@Kyoto’s beautiful 28-year-old senior consultant, married

This is a question that has been bothering me for a long time. On TV, don’t couples always seem to have sex naturally when they’re deeply in love? But my husband and I have a reservation system, and I’m the one who makes the reservations. Actually, since giving birth, my sex drive hasn’t been as strong as before. The reason we only have sex once a week is partly because of those gossip articles that suggest a lack of sex life leads to a broken marriage. And partly because I wonder if he has that kind of need. When we first started dating, we were really passionate, but as time went on, it seemed like we ran out of steam. But my husband and I have a great relationship, we talk a lot, and I feel very secure, even though we don’t have a high frequency. So I wonder if feelings and sex are necessarily directly proportional? However, marrying someone essentially means having sex with that one person for life. Women might not get tired of it because they don’t really have that much of a need, but won’t men get tired of a woman’s aging body?

@WhiteScreen, 27-year-old Strategy Director at a game promotion company, single

I’ve been quite demanding of myself since I started working, with very little free time. I have no choice; I want to establish myself in the internet industry but lack connections, so I have to rely on myself. My boyfriend is the only one I’ve ever dated. I think we’re both not particularly interested in sex. We spend a lot of time in bed, so we basically don’t need a living room at home. But being in bed doesn’t mean we have to have sex. I’d guess it’s maybe two or three times a month at most, and neither of us sees any problem with that. We email each other, watch our favorite shows, or play games. My life revolves around gaming. If you don’t play, you don’t understand your users, you can’t get what they want. As a girl who naturally doesn’t like playing games, I find genuine enjoyment in them. I think people can adjust themselves. Of course, if there’s infidelity, you don’t have to be together; there’s no need to pretend. Who needs to get married these days? If it’s not about fidelity, then it’s better to put time and energy into things that make each other more comfortable and better. So, I don’t think this is a problem I have to face.

@Miranda, a cute 22-year-old single college student

Asking us students about this kind of topic? I’m an adult, okay?! How often do men touch you? I want to say, all men want to touch me, after all, I’m good-looking and have great physiques, why wouldn’t they? I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t want one. If I only had one steady boyfriend, I’d find our sex life boring. I had a boyfriend for about three months before. We started off very frequently, maybe two or three times a day, but then he gradually lost his erection. I still have a high sex drive, so after three months, I thought it was better for us to break up. It’s better not to have a steady boyfriend to restrict my body. So, in my opinion, this topic should be changed to “How often do I need a man to touch me to be satisfied?” Isn’t that shameless? Haha, who cares? I think while I’m young, having a body that can attract men is my asset. If you insist on asking how often a man should touch you to be considered normal, I think it’s every day!

@Amy, 32 years old, CEO assistant, married

I’m a person of moderation, so how often my husband should have sex with me depends on our physical condition at that time. Although my husband is older than me, he’s rather immature, like a child, and not very good at controlling his desires. When we first met, it was love at first sight, and we would have sex every time we met. After we got married, our relationship was initially very good, but living together, I started to notice things were different. Sometimes he wouldn’t be so considerate, having sex 2-3 times a week. I could clearly see that he wasn’t as energetic at work during the day, and his complexion wasn’t good. I tried giving him some medicinal diets to regulate his body, but I was always worried about harming his health, especially since we plan to have children in the future. So, I started to limit his time. If he had a lot of work that week, I would make him sleep in the study or share a bed but not a blanket.

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Most Couples Get It Wrong on Normal Intimacy Frequency