True Connection Is More Real Than Fake Love

Hello, LINLIN!
Let me tell you about my situation: I’ve been married for 24 years and my son is a junior in college. On our 20th anniversary, I discovered that my husband was cheating on me. It took me two or three years of tumultuous relationship before things finally settled down.
I currently have no concrete evidence that my husband is still cheating, and I don’t want to pursue it further; however, based on my feelings and observations, I can conclude that he hasn’t stopped cheating, but it seems that we don’t have the time to meet; I have also noticed signs of casual sex and prostitution. We rarely have sex now, and I always insist that he use a condom.
We used to have a very good relationship, a deep and passionate love, and our marriage was quite eventful. Over the years, through these trials, I’ve read many books on sexology, human nature, marriage, philosophy, and history, and through this learning, I’ve grown as a person.
Based on my understanding of the nature of marriage, I feel that marriage cannot truly bear too much: emotions, sex, rights, and responsibilities. Therefore, I will no longer interfere in his life. There are three reasons:
First, no matter what I do, he insists on not getting a divorce. He values family much more than I do and overthinks things. Maintaining a complete family is beneficial for both of us. Second, due to the influence of our son and his consistent behavior, I don’t have to worry about him financially. He’s frugal with himself but very generous to me and our son. If he has any complaints, he’ll immediately explain or even apologize to us. Third, it’s my own fault. He doesn’t restrict my personal freedom and rarely checks my phone or my whereabouts. So I have my own outlet for sex and desire, which balances my inner self.
But I still get sad sometimes. For example, when I come home from a week-long business trip and find long hair on his bed (I have short hair, and none of my girlfriends have that much hair, so it’s impossible I brought it home), or when I use his phone to save a number and find he’s still in close contact with his mistress, or when I discover he’s flirting online, or even hooking up with prostitutes… There was even a time when he kept a video of him sleeping with another woman on his phone, which I found intentionally or unintentionally. When I confronted him about it, he retorted, “What are you trying to do? What are you trying to do?”
Writing all this down, I suddenly realized how adept this person is at disguising himself; or perhaps he has a multifaceted personality? He usually gives the impression of being an absolute gentleman, uninterested in women; short but handsome, he’s over forty, almost fifty, yet women still approach him, and even handsome men sometimes flirt with him and take advantage of him. Perhaps these natural attributes indirectly contributed to his hypocrisy, his habit of staying away from those who take the initiative, and his accustomed self-image as “as handsome as Pan An and as virtuous as Liu Xia Hui.”
Now let me tell you my story. Having experienced the upheaval of my marriage, I embarked on a series of explorations driven by a desire for inner peace and answers to many questions. During my adolescence, I had a crush on a male classmate, but I never confessed. Over the years, I never let go and often thought of him. Later, after much effort, I reconnected with him and used some subtle tactics to confess my feelings. Things progressed naturally, and he admitted he had liked me too, but I later discovered that wasn’t the case.
We met again at a class reunion after nearly thirty years. I was looking forward to it, but the opportunity wasn’t right, so I put it off. Then he said he wanted to come see me (we live over 600 kilometers apart), but he kept making excuses not to come. Our online chats gradually became boring. At the reunion, I saw he was no longer the handsome man he once was; in his forties, he was balding and had a big belly—a typical greasy, sleazy middle-aged man. Slowly, we lost contact.
When I discovered my husband’s affair a month or two ago, I was in a very abnormal state. I even tried to hook up with people online, and later I confessed to my husband. I guess this was a way for me to seek psychological balance.
Currently, I’m in a neutral stance on relationships, neither rejecting nor actively pursuing them. If I have one, I’ll enjoy it; if not, it won’t affect me. I have a partner who is much older than me, and we’re incredibly compatible sexually. The experience is unlike anything I’ve ever had; in some ways, he’s like a mentor to me. The only difference is that we’re a little lacking in financial resources.
I’ve never been particularly concerned about money, partly because my needs are low and I’ve rarely had any financial troubles. But with this guy, I always think about sharing good things with him, and he rarely spends money on me; he’s never very proactive when it comes to paying for hotel rooms; I’ve hinted at it to him, and he tells me stories about other people, implying that he despises women who ask for things or money.
Since then, I haven’t spent a single penny on him. He tried to give me gifts and money several times, but I firmly refused. We maintained a purely romantic relationship, or rather, a sexual one. This actually made me much more relaxed; I no longer worried about whether he loved me or cared about me. I enjoyed it when it happened, and if it ended, I was fine with it. He, perhaps because of the age difference, felt increasingly insecure and guilty, and could only try to compensate me in bed and through daily companionship.
This is my current state, and it seems there’s nothing wrong with it; it’s generally balanced and stable.
I want to know how Huoyang judges me, and how he views the relationship between me, my husband, and my lover. Deep down, I need a fair assessment, because I don’t want to face any unforeseen changes in the future and I don’t want to have any regrets.
It’s open to the public; I’m willing to offer some help or warning to women who are confused.

-Public disclosure permitted-

My reply:
Hello, thank you for your trust. Isn’t this a normal situation in many marriages? I’ve published similar cases before. Do marriages where both husband and wife have extramarital affairs really work out ?
For a man and woman to love each other for over twenty years is already quite good. Now that the child is grown up, he may have special sexual needs, but overall there are no major problems. He takes good care of you and the child, doesn’t stop you from having a lover, and doesn’t interfere with your freedom. You also have your own lover who can satisfy your basic sexual and emotional needs, and you’re not short of money. Isn’t this kind of life enough?
The Chinese ideal of one person for life, growing old together in love, is truly harmful. It’s just that it’s difficult to achieve this. Don’t look at isolated cases and apply them to all aspects of life. Don’t see elderly couples holding hands and acting lovingly online and think your marriage should be like that too.
There aren’t that many; most people are just ordinary people.
Ordinary desires, ordinary until old age, ordinary entanglements, ordinary ambiguity—if one could understand this, the happiness index of countless people would soar significantly.
Believe in the goodness of humanity, and you can also withstand the blows it brings. Strip away the illusions, falsehoods, and useless things, and what you see is real life.
So, in short, sister, your life is wonderful right now. Let men go; they can support the family and fulfill basic functions. You also have men outside the home. What more do you want?
LINLIN