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Return To ShopDo Nice Girls Finish Last? Why Tolerant and Adaptable Women Get Dumped More Easily
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Does “obeying” your partner equate to loving him/her?
The usual answer is “NO!” Then they bring out a lot of dogmas and principles, explaining that the two people should treat each other equally and respect each other. Sometimes, they might even argue or quarrel, and after a big fight, they become even sweeter… and so on.
But are you sure?
In reality, this isn’t the case for many couples. Let’s look at this story—
A young couple had just gotten together, and on a summer night, they were strolling through the city streets.
Woman: “It’s time to eat, honey. What would you like to eat?”
Man: “It doesn’t matter, as long as you like it!”
Woman: “Then let’s eat my favorite ‘Japanese food’.”
Man: “Okay, let’s go eat Japanese food!”
They spent the first year together in sweet bliss. But in the second year, the considerate boy changed a little; the same conversation took place during a summer dinner.
Woman: “It’s lunchtime. Can we go eat my favorite Japanese food?”
Man: “Japanese food is awful. I want beef noodles.”
Woman: “But I’ve had beef noodles several times in the past year. Actually, I’m a bit hesitant to eat beef. Can we have my favorite Japanese food today?”
Man: “I don’t want Japanese food. You can go eat it yourself.”
Woman: “Okay, fine, let’s have beef noodles then. You owe me one. You did this last time, and I’m going to listen to you again this time. I always listen to you, and I always eat what you like.”
The guy changed. He started insisting on what he wanted to eat, refusing to compromise, not even once! Then, in their third year of dating, on a summer evening, their conversation went like this—
Woman: “It’s time to eat, honey, let’s go eat your favorite beef noodles!”
Man coolly replies “OK” without even looking at woman.
The woman thought to herself, “Sigh, after eating beef noodles with him for the past few years, I’ve actually started to find beef noodles not so bad anymore. After so many arguments, I’ve gotten used to giving in and developed a habit of ‘compliance,’ and I can even eat beef noodles like this now.”
Then, in the fourth year of their relationship, on a summer evening.
Woman: “It’s time to eat, honey. Shall we go for your favorite beef noodles?”
Man: “Every time we eat out, it’s beef noodles. Eating with you is so boring. Isn’t there anything else that’s better?”
Woman: “I always eat your favorite beef noodles to please you when we eat out. What else is there to say?”
The man gets even angrier and says: “What are you complaining about? It’s the problem that you’re always going along with it. I don’t know when our love turned into family affection. We’ve lost all our ‘spark’…”
The girl felt a pang of sadness. This was already the umpteenth time they had argued. To be honest, she had learned to be compliant and eat beef noodles with him, but this had not improved their relationship; instead, it had brought them to the brink of danger.
She didn’t know where things went wrong. Did her boyfriend, being the more controlling and favored one, fail to appreciate her constant cooperation? We see some friends break up with their boyfriends/girlfriends like a sinking ship, eventually ending up heartbroken and unable to understand why they, so gentle, were so cruelly rejected. And then, tracing back to the root of the problem, the issue is—
You are too “compliant” to the other person, naively believing that compliance equals love.
Perhaps because you care too much, you’ve developed a habit of building your love world around conformity, cooperation, and accommodating the other person, to the point that you can’t take it back in the end.
There’s no going back!
Everyone has a strong and a weak personality. At the beginning of a relationship, both strong and weak personalities will use “compliance” as a sign of love. So you will see that in the first year of dating, both parties will pretend to be “compliance”. However, as the feelings gradually fade and become lasting and gentle, the “true colors” will be revealed. By the second, third and fourth year, one of them will be strong and the other weak, one will be the master and the other will be the follower, and the contrast will become bigger and bigger!
From the girl’s perspective, this compliance wasn’t feigned; it was a natural part of her gentle nature, an innate tendency to maintain their relationship through compliance. She was even willing to change her own preferences, switching to a love for “beef noodles,” and so on. Her friends kept advising her to stop being with the man, saying, “He’s got you completely under his thumb!” Love built on compliance is like a seemingly gentle but actually man-eating monster; it devours your youth and everything you once loved. If this continues, you’ll lose yourself entirely… Although she listened to the advice, she continued this unequal relationship. She wasn’t sure why; perhaps it was because she loved him too much. But when love is built on compliance, even the most compliant person finds their space for compliance shrinking, and even the most adaptable person finds themselves constantly squeezed until no further compromise is possible…
Interestingly, the story isn’t over yet.
In the fifth year, the couple finally broke up, and both quickly found new partners. The man is now eating beef noodles with his new girlfriend. And the woman?
One summer night, when her new boyfriend asked her what she wanted to eat, she decided she would no longer say “anything”! No more “you choose!” She wanted to be independent; she wanted to train her partner to be considerate and listen. So, with an unusually firm tone, she told her newly dating boyfriend decisively, “I, will, choose!”
The new boyfriend was taken aback, but being deeply in love, he was still happy to listen to her choice. Then, he happily took her hand and led her to the restaurant for dinner. However, the girl added a comment:
“This time I’ll choose; next time, it’ll be your turn!”
“From now on,” the girl continued, “we need to remember, one time you choose, one time I choose, it’s very fair!”
“Take a pinky promise, and remember it next time!”
The boy was originally a strong-willed person. He could only pretend to be tolerant on the first day, but by the second and third year, his true colors would be revealed. No matter how many partners he changed, they always had to be submissive in exchange for love. They became more and more submissive each year, but they could not get the boy’s love. As a result, the boy would suffer a lot. In this environment, he would eventually be alone, becoming an “emperor” who no one wanted to be close to and who had fake love.
On the other hand, this girl was originally a gentle person. She was born to be happy and deserved to be happy. When her first love was based on obedience, her second love would definitely be based on obedience as well. But before she entered into obedience, she knew to set up the “rules of the game” with the man. She forced herself to be a little more assertive so that the relationship would not tilt.
Don’t cross the line!
One is strong, the other is weak, and things eventually get out of control. The only way out is not to be assertive, but for the other person to see this submission and then understand. Submission is indeed “equal” to love!
This is very different from modern concepts, but it is the only solution.
The girl and her new boyfriend walked into the restaurant and happily ordered food. All the passersby couldn’t help but pay special attention to the well-matched couple on their date in the restaurant, hoping that they would get married and have a litter of adorable babies in the future.
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