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Return To ShopFor Better Intimacy: Stop Letting Your Partner Take Full Control!
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Last weekend, I had dinner with a friend and we talked about “sexual harmony.” I thought I would hear some “sweet boasts” that would sting me as a single person, but instead, my friend started complaining.
My friend (looking dejected): “I don’t understand why men are so obsessed with sex. I really don’t find it interesting at all. We’d be better off watching a movie or playing a game together.”
I immediately shook my head and asked sincerely, “Is it because he’s impotent?”
Friend: “No, not really. He does have some tricks up his sleeve. It’s just that I always feel like I’m just completing a task, and I don’t feel really involved…”
That brings us to the topic of participation, and there’s a lot to discuss. In sex psychology, there’s a fitting term for this: “sexual NPC.” This refers to someone unable to enjoy sex, passively participating in the sexual process, like a static NPC in a game, waiting for the player to interact with them. Have any of you KYers ever felt this way?
Sexual NPCs: Lacking Subjectivity
Sexual script followers
Sexual NPCs themselves have no gender restrictions; their most distinctive feature is that they completely conform to traditional and fixed “sexual scripts.”
For example, male NPCs who follow traditional “sex scripts” will automatically take on the role of leading the whole process. From initiation to climax, they must be very knowledgeable. Even if they are not capable, they must never say anything ( it seems like they are taking the initiative, but in fact they are just following the script… It is hard to judge whether both parties are actually enjoying themselves ).
In traditional female NPC scripts, the key words are passivity and forbearance . After all, for women, “sex” should be something unfamiliar and shameful, and self-respect and chastity are the first priority.
In this way, sex becomes a task, either for procreation or to demonstrate intimacy in the relationship. The needs and feelings of the individual are completely emasculated and become utterly unimportant.
Of course, in this respect, men are more likely to break free from the limitations of traditional NPC roles. This is because there are natural differences in the physical structure of men and women. Boys are taught to hold their penises every time they urinate, so even without sex education, they can experience the pleasure of self-touching and begin further exploration.
In contrast, girls do not need to touch their clitoris in their daily lives, and are therefore less likely to discover the pleasure they find in doing so. In fact, many adult women have difficulty achieving orgasm because they are unaware that their clitoris needs stimulation (Conley et al., 2022).
At the same time, culture (including media, pornography, etc.) may also have contributed to this phenomenon. For example, the male and female protagonists in pornography often have sex 24 hours a day in a kind of “telepathic” way, rarely needing to communicate verbally, giving people a sense of confidence that “just do it, you’ll reach orgasm anyway.”
However, everyone’s sexual preferences that are aroused and satisfied are actually different. If you don’t ask, it really will turn into two sex NPCs messing around (that’s where the sense of mission comes in).
Breaking the script,
Enjoy sex boldly:
Find your sexual preferences
Sex plays a vital role in maintaining relationships and marriages. Surveys have found that 50% of divorces stem from dissatisfaction with sex (Askari et al., 2012; Shams Mofaraheh et al., 2011); and among women, 15.2% to 50.4% are dissatisfied with their sex lives (Ramezani et al., 2012; Sidi et al., 2007).
Clearly, people have long been suffering from scripted sex lives dominated by NPCs.
To broaden everyone’s horizons and offer some inspiration, I chatted with three friends who are skilled at bringing joy to themselves and their partners.
“When I was with my ex, he discovered that I had a mild SM complex.”
I started dating her right after I graduated and started working; it was my second relationship. She was in the industry, and she never told me about it because she was afraid I’d mind. Of course, we never developed a BDSM relationship; we just added some props to our sex life, like handcuffs. The handcuffs were cold and had a restraining effect, which gave me psychological stimulation, and combined with the physiological stimulation, significantly improved the quality of our sex life.
Jiang, 29 years old
“It’s quite necessary to actively express where your pleasure points lie.”
My family didn’t provide much sex education growing up. I didn’t really understand sex until I went to college and had a boyfriend. But at that time, our sex life was completely unsatisfactory; I barely experienced any pleasure. Coincidentally, I was watching “2 Broke Girls” around that time, and in one episode, Catherine masturbated with a showerhead. I was shocked and curious, so I looked it up and learned that female pleasure originates in the clitoris. After that, my sex life was quite harmonious in my subsequent relationships because I would actively talk about where my erogenous zones were.
—Kezi, 32 years old
“Different body parts can bring different experiences.”
My ears are extremely sensitive, so during sex with my partner, they stimulate them a lot. Sometimes they’ll bite my ear, sometimes they’ll blow air into it. They themselves have very sensitive nipples, so I tend to be extra attentive to that area. Also, we both have a “life is about exploration” mentality, so we often introduce new areas and experiences when the other person wants to try them, hehe.
—Try it, 26 years old
(This concludes the interview. However, if you are still curious, reply “bite” on the official WeChat account homepage to see more content about the special part of the mouth.)
Having read this far, you’ve probably noticed that these three friends each have their own preferences. And if you broaden the scope to include well-known figures, you’ll find that their sexual tastes are indeed quite different, ranging from Quentin Tarantino and Buñuel with their foot fetishes to Hitchcock’s love for women with glasses.
In conclusion, as long as it doesn’t violate laws and regulations, flexible sexual behavior is healthy and can usually enhance relationships.
According to researchers, the best sex happens when we know what excites us, can communicate it effectively to our partners, and our partners are willing to listen and try it together (MacNeil & Byers, 2009).
So let’s abandon the traditional male-dominated, female-passive script and explore a sex life that truly allows both partners to participate.
Finally, there’s one more point worth adding: there’s a group of people, similar to my friend’s example mentioned earlier, for whom sex is not an essential part of life. If you’re wondering if you belong to this group, you can click the link to see “Never want to have sex, am I frigid?” “No, you might be asexual!”
A simple understanding
Your sexual preferences and those of your partner
YES OR NO Degree List
Finally, if you find yourself unsure where to begin exploring, here is a list of sexual preferences to explore that is suitable for individuals as well as couples (imgomez & sweetrush, 2006).
How to use it: You can save the picture and fill it out by yourself or with your partner. By rating it, you will know which behaviors you or your partner prefer or want to try.
At the same time, it can also help you discover your partner’s hidden preferences, which can be a perfect opportunity for you to have a conversation.
However, our rating for each option is not fixed and may change over time. Whenever you want to explore your own or your partner’s sexual preferences, you can take out these cards again to review them.
Note: Each option is rated on a scale of 1 to 5. The meanings of the scores are as follows.
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