The Silent Disappearance of Physical Intimacy

Where did the sex life go?
This morning, while scrolling through Weibo, I saw a post with screenshots of some bizarre comments from parents’ groups. One screenshot showed a mother of a child repeatedly saying in the group, “I haven’t had sex for a month! I haven’t had sex for a month! I haven’t had sex for a month!” It was a powerful and poignant statement, perhaps the most heartfelt sentiment from a married woman with children today.How exactly did I lose my sex life? It seems to have started after I got a boyfriend.When my mind wanders, I imagine if my life were being livestreamed right now, the comments would definitely be filled with some beautiful yet malicious remarks like: “So young, living like a widow!”, “Sex isn’t everything, but love without sex is impossible”, and “Why aren’t you breaking up yet? Are you saving it for the New Year?”One night, on a whim, I took my bedding to the next room and had the best sleep I’d ever had. I never went back. Gradually, I moved my things from my bedroom to the smaller room, adding a bedside lamp, plants, and a couple more pillows. It felt cozy, like I was back in my single days when I loved myself. My boyfriend never commented or objected. Sometimes, when he came home at night and saw I wasn’t asleep, he’d knock on the door and politely chat with me for a few minutes. We were so respectful and considerate, a model couple for modern relationships. Together, we tacitly transformed our relationship from lovers to roommates.

“The absence of physical contact doesn’t necessarily mean a greater emotional distance.” You might think this way, after all, countless couples experience a sharp drop in their sex life after having children. In my case, however, the distance did gradually increase. First, the kisses stopped, then the hugs stopped, and later a barrier formed between our bodies; we could no longer send each other signals. After a while, we both understood that this wouldn’t happen again.Conversations with friends revealed a diverse range of reactions. Some said their husbands faced immense work pressure, often not getting home until 11 or 12 at night, coming home with a dark expression, and they’d rather beg for handouts than entertain themselves. Others said, “What era are we living in? Who does that anymore? Isn’t scrolling through Douyin (TikTok) before bed much better?” Still others said, “I have the phone numbers of 10 girls in my phone who offer sexual services—you wouldn’t want to try it, would you?” (All the above friends are male)Another male friend, nearing forty, said that achieving a sex life is generally easy; some care, effort, and money are usually enough. But saying the word “love” has become less effortless, and compared to his twenties, sex life isn’t as important. He said, “Those who still have a strong drive at this age can be called exceptionally gifted.”

Ask around, and it seems no one is actively practicing their sex life. So who is actually having sex in this world? Where has sex gone? Has it vanished into an endless black hole?Physicists have said that the total amount of sexual activity within a certain range in the world is conserved. When some people lack it, others will inevitably have to work harder to make up for the lack of sex for those who are lagging behind. Or, to put it another way, some popular celebrities, who move between one “treasure” and another, have an excess of sexual activity, and some people’s quotas will inevitably be taken away.Putting the jokes aside, I just want to ask, can a life without sex be called a life?
If you try to use dating apps
If you ask me how I solved this, have you ever thought about registering for a dating app? I’ll tell you, not only have I thought about it, but I also have quite a bit of experience using it.A male colleague shared his experience with me, saying that people on Tinder, a foreign app, are of higher quality than those on Tantan, a domestic app, because Tinder requires a VPN, which acts as a natural filter. Later, I discovered he was seriously mistaken; Tinder doesn’t actually require a VPN. Anyway, my colleague achieved success on Tinder! Even though his success lived in a faraway southern city and ultimately failed, a distant, outdated success is still a success.Encouraged by the success rate mentioned above, I also registered on Tinder. On the very first day, I even found a male colleague! I resisted the urge to swipe right and flirt with him. After studying his thought process in choosing photos and the logic behind his captions and gaining some insights, I swiped left instead.

When scrolling through Tinder, I feel like I’m not human, but an emotionless photo-swiping machine. If there’s anything more tedious than swiping left/right, it’s chatting with a stranger you’ve matched with. Send a “hello” at 11 PM, and if you’re lucky, you’ll receive a “hello” at 8 AM the next morning. And then, nothing. Sometimes you get one or two straightforward, concise questions, as short as two words: “Want to hook up?” Even if you encounter someone enthusiastic, you have to start from scratch, endlessly repeating self-introductions and sending the same set of questions. This isn’t dating; it’s repeating the same monotonous action on an assembly line . No wonder they say the world is interconnected—we’re all data workers.You’ll soon discover that dating apps actually mold men and women into lifeless beings. You’ll hardly encounter any genuine, vibrant, normal human beings; most users are alienated individuals who can only reply with “hello.” Given years of ineffective and repetitive interactions, this lack of interest is understandable. When an enthusiastic new user encounters a listless long-time user, the likely outcome is assimilation. At least in this way, the two share a common ground: they are both lifeless, similar types.

After using it for a few days, I realized something was wrong. Using the dating app made me feel even more depressed. I asked a male friend who’s against marriage for advice. He said he usually just brushes his teeth on the toilet for a while in the morning, making the most of his spare time—and I finally understood why all the “hellos” I received were around 8 or 9 am—because that’s when working people use the toilet! I thought to myself, while I’m on the toilet in the morning, I’m stealing green energy from Ant Forest on Alipay. Look at how others utilize their spare time, and then look at yourself.Am I not craving sex intense enough? At least not as intense as planting a tree in a remote desert that you’ll never see.
It’s not just sex life that’s disappearing, but also intimacy.
Once, I went on a business trip. There was a temple in the city center with a tea garden inside. For several days in a row, I went there to have a cup of tea every day after lunch.Next to the tea garden is a release pond, built seven or eight years ago, mostly filled with carp and turtles. Normally, the water is calm; only upon close inspection can one notice the turtles basking in the sun, crawling all over the rocks. Just by looking at the number of turtles, one can roughly guess how many fish are in the pond. I imagine they must be a group of well-fed, gentle, and leisurely swimming fish. One day, a man and a woman came with fish food. They stood at the far corner of the release pond and threw in the food. Almost instantly, all the fish in the pond crowded around, like people on the Beijing subway during rush hour, each one having to stand on tiptoe. The fish were packed tightly together, with no gaps between them, and the more agile ones leaped up, piling onto another fish. There were quite a few agile fish. One could see fish constantly leaping from the bottom, falling back down to reach the top, closest to the food. And so it went. The sheer intensity of this competition was frightening.Regardless of their posture or location, they all had one thing in common: gaping mouths, scrambling for food. Standing beside them, I got goosebumps all over; the fish even seemed to possess human-like fierce and greedy eyes, which was quite terrifying.

When you think of social media apps, this horrifying image comes to mind. Look at these strong, hungry fish huddled together—they’re just like young men and women in their prime but without sex lives. The database of these dating apps is like a release pond; young people register as users, thinking it will be a lifeline for their sex lives, but in reality, the pond is full of lifeless, hungry fish.The thought of the fish and its gaping maw has completely shattered my faith in social media. Before registering, I at least thought there was still a pool of potential applicants; even with a low success rate, it was still a glimmer of hope. Now, even that small window of hope has been closed.So I tried a “life of moderation,” the kind of moderation Plato described: “a life of tolerance in all aspects, with mild pain, tranquil pleasure, gentle desire, and love without fervor.” But the body will remind you. For example, you wake up in the morning and realize, “Hey? I think I had a wet dream?” Your boyfriend is in the next room, and you still had a wet dream. If wet dreams were flowers, each one would have a meaning. Sometimes it’s unfinished regret, sometimes it’s an unreached destination, sometimes it’s premature aging, unspoken desires. They’re all similar, but they all boil down to “Hey? Not good!”

I also dreamt of this line, “The only thing ever in my virgina is tampon!” I don’t remember which show I saw it in, but it was definitely written by a screenwriter with a lot of life experience.Once, in a coffee shop, I bumped into a college classmate I hadn’t seen in a long time. She was happy to see me too, and came over to hug me warmly, a tight hug that lasted for five seconds. Affirmation, attention, love—so many wonderful words flooded those five seconds. I realized that if a hug could give you so many feelings, it clearly showed that your yearning for intimacy had reached a new level. Although a beautiful hug has nothing to do with gender or sex, it’s a testament to your long-term existence in a false sense of intimacy. You shouldn’t just move to another room; you should move out completely and start a new life, a new relationship.

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The Silent Disappearance of Physical Intimacy