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Return To ShopWhy intimacy after a disagreement may feel more intense – key facts for couples.
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I wonder if you’ve ever had this experience—
For some reason, you had a huge argument with your partner and were extremely angry.
But the next second, the “anger” turned into “burning desire.” Not only did you crave each other more than usual, but the experience of engaging in intimate play at this moment was also more wonderful and more exhilarating…
Why does hatred enhance sexual desire, while sexual desire can truly resolve hatred?
I. “Anger” and “Sex”
Why are they a better match?
In the American TV series “Orange Is the New Black,” there is a pair of female lovers who love and hate each other, deceive and betray each other, have countless fierce arguments, and then quickly roll into bed, engage in close physical combat, and entwine passionately.
Not only did the actresses enjoy their on-screen romance, but the audience watching from outside the screen also loved it.
How can a person seamlessly transition from “shouting at the top of their lungs” to “making love passionately” in such a short time?
In fact, the desire to “have sex” after a conflict is not unique to humans, but rather an animal instinct. Bonobos, our close relatives, show a significant increase in sexual activity after conflict, and this behavior occurs solely to comfort the other person, rather than for reproduction. The research team calls this “post-conflict sexual behavior . “
When it happens to humans, it is called “angry sex” or “reconciliation sex” in psychology.
Dr. Janet Brito proposed a concept called “arousal transfer,” which refers to the transfer from one type of arousal to another, generally referring to the transfer of emotional arousal.
The burning desire that follows anger may also be due to “displacement of arousal,” where anger transforms into sexual excitement. This is mainly influenced by two factors:
01 Psychologically
When couples in love have a conflict, they may feel a fear of losing the relationship. This threat can activate the attachment systems of both partners and may lead to intimate behavior.
02 Physiologically
Sexual activity after a conflict can release pent-up emotions and relieve physical tension during the conflict. The pleasure hormones brought about by sexual activity spread throughout the body, such as oxytocin and dopamine, which can make people feel happy.
II. Not all contradictions
All of these can be solved with “sex”.
However, “angry sex” is not a solution to problems in intimate relationships.
First, “angry sex” varies from person to person.
A 2020 diary-based study tracked 107 newlywed couples for six months. The results showed that they reported low levels of pleasure during sex after conflict. Furthermore, “reconciliation sex” did not resolve the underlying conflicts; after a night of pleasure, they still had to confront the problems in their relationship.
Secondly, “angry sex” can easily escalate into “sexual abuse,” accompanied by mild or severe sexual violence, even marital rape, or become a means of controlling one’s partner.
01 “Angry sex” carries elements of violence
Sexual urges aroused by anger are, in fact, a form of repressed sexual aggression.
Because it carries the emotions and feelings that were not vented or deliberately suppressed during the argument, sexual behavior under anger often becomes very aggressive:
The force of the slaps could be greater, causing injuries such as tearing or scratching the other person’s body or skin. When violence becomes excessive, sexual intercourse can turn into sexual punishment or even sexual abuse.
02 It can easily escalate into “marital rape”
Furthermore, because the two parties are in a state of angry confrontation one moment and are about to achieve physical and mental intimacy the next, the boundaries of “sexual consent” often become very blurred.
During an argument, the emotions of the two parties are not necessarily equal. One party may be in a highly negative emotional state and have no desire to have sex, while the other party is strongly aroused. If, at this point, the other party disregards their feelings and forces intimacy, then “angry sex” is no longer a “panacea” for easing the conflict, but constitutes “marital rape.”
Research has found that compulsive sexual behavior in intimate relationships reduces a woman’s ability to enjoy sex in the future, and those who are forced into sexual activity by their partners exhibit depression and high levels of psychological stress. They may feel that their emotional needs are not being taken seriously or met, thus experiencing greater shame, resentment, and distress.
03 became a means of controlling one’s partner
“Angry sex” can also become a means for the psychologically unhealthy partner to control their partner.
For example, regardless of the problems between the two parties, whenever a conflict breaks out and they argue, they take the initiative to have sex with each other to please the other person, but they do not face up to or solve the problem, allowing the brief intimacy to cover up the crisis in the relationship.
Furthermore, in such controlling relationships, the controller often abuses their partner through violence or emotional abuse during sexual intercourse , such as beating, verbal abuse, and belittling, causing the victim great suffering with no way to resist.
III. How to conduct a high-quality event
“Angry sex”?
“Angry sex” is indeed a thrilling yet dangerous game. How can we fully enjoy this game without getting hurt?
01 Confirmation of Consent
Every sexual encounter between partners must be based on mutual consent; otherwise, it constitutes forced sexual intercourse. The ambiguous attitude of “half-heartedly resisting” should not be taken lightly, as “what you think” may not be what the other person thinks.
02 Be careful with the intensity; don’t overdo it.
During “angry sex,” the stimulation and excitement may push both partners to their limits. While exploring new techniques is exciting, it’s crucial to maintain a balance. It’s advisable to use safe words during intercourse, such as traffic lights, pineapples, or apples. If one partner doesn’t want to continue or encounters any unusual situations, mentioning the safe word can stop the activity.
03. Learn to communicate afterwards.
Post-coital care is indispensable in angry sexual behavior. After all, sexual behavior only releases emotions, and the conflict between the two parties has not been completely resolved. In the tender moment afterward, it is important to speak frankly about what is on one’s mind and completely resolve the conflict.
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