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Return To ShopWhy Some Couples Find Intimacy More Intense After a Dispute
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What do you do after you and your wife/husband have a fight? Buying a bag?Buying milk tea?Actively taking on household chores? There’s another option: sex. There’s a term in English called ” make- up sex ,” which is often referred to as angry sex. Sexual behavior can serve to reconcile and resolve disputes, and can be used to distract attention and ease tension.
Bonobos also have the same quirks. You may not have noticed, but bonobos think the same way. Bonobos, or bonobos, share over 98% of their DNA with humans, making them more closely related to humans than gorillas. They belong to the family Hominidae and the genus *Chimpanzee*.
We deal with conflict in a similar way. The book “Social Inequality” states: “The ancestors of humans and bonobos may have preferred making love to fighting.” Researchers at Emory University have found that mating is also an important way to resolve conflict in bonobo populations. Following a conflict, adult bonobos exhibit a significantly increased likelihood of sexual behavior in an effort to achieve reconciliation and comfort, sometimes even becoming almost entirely sexually driven.
This is referred to as post-conflict sexual contact, which may include activities such as hugging. This aligns with the stress-alleviation hypothesis: victims of conflict receive “sexual comfort contact,” which is not intended for procreation.
Why is sex more pleasurable after a conflict?
After a heated argument, it seemed that everything was left behind. In reconciliation sex, arguing seems to be a form of foreplay, followed by wild and extremely satisfying sex.
Why? The reason might be that the emotions aroused by arguing can be retained during sex . When couples argue, their emotions become very intense. If we love each other deeply and are afraid of losing the relationship, the process of conflict can create distance between us and may also make us fear losing each other. This sense of threat can activate our attachment system. In order not to lose each other and to restore intimacy, we have a strong motivation to repair the relationship and want to increase the intimacy and security between each other. The study found that after being stimulated by emotional threats—such as imagining their partner falling in love with someone else—people tend to be more interested in their current partner.
While reconciliation-based sex is good, individual differences should also be considered. A recent study published in 2020 used a diary method to track 107 newlywed couples for six months.
The study found that they reported not experiencing strong pleasure during sex after the conflict. However, it can alleviate negative emotions to some extent and reduce the negative impact of conflict on the quality of the couple’s daily relationship. In the long run, sex after conflict has no impact on marital satisfaction. In other words, couples who frequently engage in reconciliation sex may feel better on the day, but overall they are not necessarily happier than couples who do not engage in reconciliation sex.
Nevertheless, couples who have sex after a conflict still have higher marital satisfaction than couples who have conflict but no reconciliation-based sex.
Furthermore, the pleasure derived from sex after a conflict is also influenced by personality: On the one hand, some couples seem to prefer arguing in the living room and then moving on to the bedroom—perhaps this is a way for them to fall in love with each other again.
On the other hand, some people believe that interpersonal conflict and sexual intimacy are incompatible and will separate the two in married life (the wife yells: “Don’t touch me after the argument”).
In conclusion
In general, while sex after a conflict can help couples restore intimacy, arguing about sex is not advisable (unless you are extremely confident in your relationship)…
Furthermore, if you frequently experience conflict, this constant threat and insecurity can damage your marital relationship over time.
Most importantly, find a way to handle unavoidable conflicts so as not to harm the long-term development of the marriage. The world and I love you.
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