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Return To ShopHow Intimacy Helps You Recognize Real, Lasting Love
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Late last night, M, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, sent me a WeChat message. The message was simple, just eight characters: “Holy crap, my parents want me to go on a blind date.” But it was followed by more than a dozen exclamation marks.
I said, this is perfectly normal. You’re not young anymore, almost thirty. Uncle Wang next door’s son, who’s the same age, already has kids on the street, while you’re still a bachelor who can’t find a wife. It’s only natural that your family is anxious to arrange a blind date for you.
He replied with a few ellipses, then quickly threw out a few words: “What do you know? The blind date I was set up with is Aunt Wang’s daughter downstairs.”
I asked, puzzled, “Wouldn’t that be even better? Childhood sweethearts, knowing each other inside and out, being close by makes it easier to get closer, it’s like doubling the family bond!”
He gave up typing and hurriedly sent a voice message: “That makes sense, but I don’t have any feelings for her.”
I pressed further, asking how I knew you didn’t have feelings for her. Feelings can be cultivated.
I thought he would give a long list of reasons, such as not being my type, having too different personalities, or having incompatible values. Instead, he gave a simple and direct reason.
I don’t want to have sex with her.
After thinking for a while, I replied to him, “You are right, and I firmly support you.”
You have to like someone to be able to like them back.
As a higher primate, the essence of a human being is first and foremost that of an animal.
When courting, we inevitably use many animalistic standards to judge our partners. For example, some women prefer tall, large males because this type of male represented strength and security in the animal kingdom; many men prefer women with large breasts and shapely buttocks because, in the animal kingdom, this type of female was easier to reproduce and more likely to give birth. This is instinct, and anyone who denies it is not objective.
We often say that we initially like someone because of their looks, their talent, the faint smell of tobacco on them, because they wore a white shirt on a warm afternoon, because they made a beautiful three-pointer at a sports meet, or because they own a house, a car, and are wealthy. But if we strip away all these external factors, the core issue is this: after you meet them, the message deep in your brain is, “This person, I can accept having sex with them.”
Remember, the body always speaks louder than the mind. If two people aren’t living together like business owners, spending over 80% of their time together in bed. If you see your partner and can’t bring yourself to kiss them, can you honestly say you truly love them? Can you honestly say you’ll be happy with them?
Of course, those who make a living from sex or those with abstinence tendencies are not within the scope of this discussion.
Therefore, when we first assess whether we can try to get along with someone of the opposite sex, the first golden rule should be: can I accept having sex with them? If the answer is yes, then the most fundamental and essential basis for the two of us to be together already exists.
What really matters is what happens after the sex.
There’s a popular question on Zhihu: What’s it like to truly fall in love with someone? A famous wealthy influencer shared his experience: As a man, after having sex with a woman I don’t like, I want to take a shower and get as far away as possible. But if I truly like a woman, I’d be willing to hold her and sleep with her after having sex.
So, wanting to sleep with you and wanting to wake up with you to watch the sunrise are not the same thing.
I once had a rich and handsome friend who picked up a girl late at night and took her to a hotel near his house. After having sex, he left without a word, turning off his phone and going home while the girl was taking a shower. He left the girl alone in an unfamiliar place, penniless, with no phone battery and no money for a taxi home. In desperation, she borrowed the hotel phone to call her best friend, who lived 40 kilometers away, for help. Her situation was extremely embarrassing.
This kind of acceptable sex is merely about satisfying physical needs, and there is no emotion involved whatsoever.
Therefore, being able to accept having sex with someone of the opposite sex only indicates that there is potential and a foundation for a relationship. Whether there are feelings involved in the relationship is something that happens after sex.
Most importantly, it’s about things other than sex.
As a higher primate, humans are distinguished from other animals by their higher status.
Being able to accept having sex with someone of the opposite sex indicates a physical foundation for being together; behavior after sex can indicate the presence of feelings; and things outside of sex determine whether the relationship can last.
Because you can’t be having sex every single day, every single moment. Kissing during the day, having sex at night, having sex in the kitchen, having sex in the living room—that would be exhausting. Besides, people get old eventually. What will you rely on to maintain your relationship when your breasts have shrunk and his have become weak and saggy?
I think it’s two seemingly cold and mercenary words: transaction.
Don’t assume that only dirty exchanges of money or power can be called a transaction. In fact, every interaction between people is a transaction. And the premise for this transaction to exist and proceed is that the demander, the supplier, and the exchanged goods can be equated.
Some girls like domineering CEOs, but the real exchange is the CEO, not the domineering nature. They like the word “CEO” and what it represents. Try giving her a domineering but poor guy and see if she’d accept it. Other girls like older men, but the exchange is experience. They like the life experience that comes with it, and the enlightenment and security that experience provides. Try having her date a fifty-something who’s living a chaotic and disorganized life. Similarly, guys like mature women or cute girls because the image these labels project is what they crave, and they’re willing to work hard and use their strengths to achieve that.
As I write this, I wonder if anyone will jump out and call me vulgar. Didn’t you write an article titled “Everyone can only accompany you for a part of the journey, so please find someone with similar values to date,” spouting moralistic rhetoric about values? Now you’re bringing up sex and transactions—it’s disgusting.
Yes, that’s right, finding someone with similar values to date is extremely important. But values aren’t abstract or isolated; they’re attached to the exchange. What can you expect if the skin is gone? Or, in other words, equivalence of values is precisely what constitutes a successful transaction. You like to wander the world, and so does he; you like to be confined to the kitchen, and so does he. This represents an equal exchange; otherwise, the balance is lost, and the equal relationship ceases to exist.
It’s better to be comfortable with someone than to be overjoyed by them. If you choose to spend a long time with someone, then you might as well rationally and pragmatically consider whether there is anything about them that is worth trading your whole life for.
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