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What kind of “sex” do women truly want?
In the movie “Good Luck, Leo Grande”, the protagonist Nancy’s sex life has mostly consisted of having the same penetrative sex with the same man (her recently deceased husband) in the same position for most of her life.
Nancy told her sex therapist that she had never experienced an orgasm and that her body was like “a corpse that had been dragging along for decades.”
Often, women feel more like servants during sexual experiences: “To protect his self-esteem,” “To make him feel better,” “To help him reach orgasm”…
However, in this act of “sacrificing oneself to please others,” women still face a series of scornful and mocking comments, such as faking orgasms or not experiencing them. But the truth is, they simply never got what they truly wanted.
So, what kind of sex do women actually want? We’ve summarized the following 6 points to help “them” and “their partners” see more possibilities.
01
A kiss is really important.
A tender gaze, a gentle caress, a tight embrace… what is the most important part of a romantic experience?
Research by Susan Hughes and others found that over 80% of women believe that kissing is a necessary condition for sex; without kissing, there is no sex. Furthermore, kissing is very important to women before, during, and after sexual activity.
This may be because kissing is usually an act of intimacy between partners. In sexual experiences, women have a great need for emotional intimacy and connection, which not only makes them feel safer and more relaxed, but also makes it easier for them to achieve sexual pleasure (Jacques JDM van Lankveld, et al. 2021).
P.S.: This study also mentioned that women are more likely to assess a person’s kissing ability based on the taste of their mouth. So, don’t forget to pay attention to oral hygiene (after all, nobody wants to know what their partner ate for dinner through a kiss 🤷🏻♀️).
02
Women’s desires need to be awakened.
Many women may share the same feeling: they’ve worked hard all day and have absolutely no interest in anything, but their partner can become instantly engrossed. Some women even blame themselves for this, thinking “there’s something wrong with me.”
However, the reason for this difference is that the sources of male and female sexual desire are not the same.
Male sexual desire is usually “spontaneous desire” : sexual desires can arise randomly and suddenly.
However, female sexual desire is actually a “responsive desire .” This does not mean that women need a man to generate desire, but rather that women need to activate their sexual desire in some way.
For most women, generating responsive sexual desire requires at least two conditions: erotic sensations from various senses such as sight, hearing, and touch, and a low-stress environment.
The latter may be more important. If a woman is always preoccupied with housework, childcare, work, and other trivial matters, like a machine that needs to be on standby at all times, then she may find it difficult to generate desire and derive pleasure from sex.
03
“Her body language is honest” doesn’t mean she’s ready.
The phrase “saying no but doing no” is often used by some men to tease women for “putting on an act.”
However, this statement also implies a common view—that women’s signs of sexual desire are the same as men’s. If an erection can represent a man’s sexual arousal, then a woman’s physical response can also signify the same thing.
However, female arousal is not marked by changes in sexual organs; their sexual arousal is often more of a mental excitement (Heiman, 1988). When women determine whether they are “feeling aroused,” they do not focus on changes in their reproductive organs.
Many psychologists have pointed out (Leiblum, 1998; Tiefer, 1991) that if too much attention is paid to a woman’s physical reactions during sexual experience, the parts that she truly cares about, including trust, intimacy, respect, communication, and the pleasure derived from sensual touch, will be overlooked.
Therefore, what truly needs to be mobilized is not women’s “body,” but their “heart.”
04
“Climax” should not be the goal.
What should a perfect sexual experience be like? Is it when both partners reach orgasm simultaneously during penetration?
However, this may only be the “perfect sex” from a male perspective. In her book, *The Hite Reports*, renowned American sexologist Sheryl Hite points out:
“In our understanding of the definition of sex, the sexual stimulation that most women use to achieve orgasm—clitoral stimulation—is often excluded because (in their view) either female orgasm is less important than male orgasm, or women should try to achieve orgasm from the same stimulation that brings men to orgasm—vaginal intercourse.”
If we always view “orgasm” in the traditional definition of sex as the sole purpose of sex, it may place a heavy burden on women:▨Adds unnecessary psychological stress and frustration;▨Reduces the likelihood of women developing new pleasure patterns;▨Women act as service providers, focusing only on whether the man reaches orgasm, ignoring their own feelings.
This means that “foreplay,” which is often neglected and rushed by men, is actually the key to women’s sexual experience, and it can even be considered “sex” itself.
05
More love and praise will lead to higher sexual satisfaction.
I have a friend who always carefully applies perfume, shaves her body hair, and applies body lotion before going to her boyfriend’s house to stay overnight…
Why do women need to make such thorough preparations to ensure “absolute safety”?
Compared to men, women are more likely to focus excessively on their bodies during sexual experiences, leading to negative thoughts such as: ” Are my leg hairs too long?”, “Is my waist too thick?”, “Does this angle make my face look bigger?”…
These negative thoughts can constantly interfere with a woman’s sexual experience (Faith & Schare, 1993), like a series of off-screen voices that make it difficult for her to concentrate and create a feeling of being “detached”.
In such situations, more affirmation and praise for women will make them feel better. Research by Amanda Denes et al. (2020) indicates that positive emotional expression is more likely to increase sexual satisfaction. You can try: Compliments about her body: “Your lips are so sexy.” “You look so beautiful.”Positive affirmations: “You are amazing !” Express your love as much as possible: “I love you so much”
These more affectionate conversations in bed are far more effective than phrases like “Was it good?” or “Turn over,” which only focus on one’s own needs . 👌
06
“Serving women” also makes men feel better.
In fact, sexual experience is inherently a mutually beneficial process. Paying more attention to women’s feelings will also benefit men.
In Salisbury and Fisher’s study, some men reported experiencing significant negative self-evaluation if they were unsuccessful in helping women achieve orgasm. Therefore, a better understanding of female orgasm can mutually benefit the sexual health of both partners.
Furthermore, when men focus more on their partners during the process, they are less concerned about their own performance, which can actually lead to greater sexual arousal (Abrahamson, et al. 1985).
But if you really want women to have a satisfying sexual experience, what’s even more important is that you can communicate openly and honestly with each other.
A study conducted by American sexologist Debby Herbenick, involving more than 2,000 participants, found that women’s sexual preferences are actually very diverse, but not as “aggressive,” “wild,” or “passionate” as men might glean from experiences in adult films. For example:Kissing more frequentlyHug more frequentlySay romantic and sweet wordsMassage each other before startingWatching romantic moviesBe gentler during the process …
However, there are still some niche categories, such as watching porn. Although many studies have found that most women are not attracted to porn, some women do find it appealing.
Therefore, it is important to understand what the other person likes, rather than preconceived notions about what they like .💗💗💗
Of course, there are many kinds of “sex,” not just between men and women.
Some studies have also found that the probability of achieving sexual satisfaction for both partners is higher in non-heterosexual groups, possibly because they are more empathetic towards each other and understand what the other wants.
Therefore, regardless of the type of sexuality, “respect” and “communication” are the foundation for a good experience.
Finally, I hope everyone can experience sex that satisfies them, without having to “pretend.”
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