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Return To ShopNavigating Intimacy After Childbirth: Understanding Common Challenges and Finding Support
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The day before yesterday, I met up with an older woman for coffee. Two cups of coffee and a piece of cake cost 200 yuan, which she paid for. She’s richer than me.
After a few sips, the older woman started chatting with me, talking about her and her husband. “They only have sex a few times a year. You’d think he’s having an affair.”
“Check his phone, it’ll all be clear,” I replied.
“No!” the older woman refused. She and her husband had been married for ten years, and their secret to a respectful marriage was that she never looked at her husband’s phone.
This woman was originally a lawyer. After more than ten years of litigation, she built up a network of contacts and partnered with others to open several fast food restaurants. With money coming in and going out, she built up a business empire and now she lives off the rent from her shops, living a life free from financial worries.
Her financial independence is undeniable.
She asked me, “After ten years of marriage, the love is definitely gone, but if he’s having affairs with other women, I’ll still feel bad. Women in their thirties are like wolves and tigers, and I’m a hungry wolf right now. I want to eat meat. I don’t know if the meat outside is clean or not, and what if the other person has ulterior motives, taking a picture as a souvenir? It’s not worth ruining my reputation for a moment of pleasure.”
I nodded in agreement, but given her current family situation, I estimated that only burning incense and praying to Buddha could rekindle her husband’s sexual desire for her. I suggested that she observe a vegetarian diet on the first and fifteenth of the lunar month and visit temples to pray to Buddha from time to time, which might help.
My older sister rolled her eyes at me and told me to go die.
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The eldest sister’s situation is not unique.
After giving birth, my sex life became incredibly infrequent; the number of times we had sex in a year was comparable to winning the lottery. There are various reasons for this; sometimes the woman is a full-time stay-at-home mom and has no interest in having sex with her husband.
Another issue is that her husband falls fast asleep as soon as he gets into bed.
Of course, there are also cases where there’s no reason, they just don’t want to do it, and they don’t care if they want to or not.
It’s undeniable that the couple’s relationship worsened if they didn’t have sex.
Why do couples in love rarely argue? Because of the exchange of saliva and bodily fluids. When two people are intertwined, they feel like they are one person. Would your left hand argue with your right hand? Of course not.
However, for a couple married for ten years to return to the state of being deeply in love is as difficult as losing 30 pounds in a month. It’s not impossible, but miracles only happen to a few people.
The women around me have very little sex life. Some women don’t even know what an orgasm is. This is not surprising. Traditional Chinese ethics have made Chinese women extremely cautious and even avoidant about sex.
When I was in graduate school, I met a female classmate who told me very seriously that it was extremely immoral to sleep with a man before marriage.
I really wanted to argue with her at the time: what if you find out your husband has problems after marriage? Are you just going to live a life of widowhood for the rest of your life?
Premarital sex is still very important, but it’s important to know how to protect yourself.
There’s a very unusual legal case abroad where a man secretly removed the condom during intercourse, resulting in the woman becoming pregnant. The woman sued the man, and after comprehensive evaluation, the judge determined that the incident constituted rape—but that’s not the topic of our discussion today; I’ve gone off-topic.
What I’m going to talk about is how married women who have given birth can increase their libido.
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First, exercise.
Squats, in particular, are very helpful in increasing libido. However, there’s a technique to squats; you can’t just squat randomly. Improper form can injure your knees. It’s recommended to watch professional videos or consult a personal trainer.
Second, drink alcohol in moderation.
Alcohol and sex are a good pair; moderate drinking can help relax the mind and body, but don’t get drunk. For middle-aged women, being drunk is unsightly, so please remember this!
Third, if you and your husband haven’t reached the point of separation, you can start by trying to kiss each other every morning.
Start with light, gentle kisses, gradually progressing to a deep, French kiss. A ten-day course of treatment, followed by a month of consistent practice, will eliminate any longer your husband’s nicotine odor.
Fourth, sexual independence
I support women using ***, you know, sexual independence is very important, it will change your view of the world.
You can also invite your husband to play with you. Don’t be shy. As a middle-aged woman, you just need to be dignified in public. This is a characteristic of mature women and there’s nothing shameful about it.
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Ultimately, women still need to be self-reliant and independent. They need enough money, good health, a career they love, close friends to confide in, and a few hobbies.
Of course, if you truly have no feelings for your husband, don’t force it. Marriages for middle-aged women aren’t entirely based on love. As long as it’s not immoral or illegal, you can try. This is also a way of loving yourself.
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