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Return To ShopWhy Women Fake Orgasms & What Erodes Their Sexual Pleasure
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I recently watched a highly-rated Japanese sex education film called “17.3 About Sex”. The first episode discusses the topic of first time.
Before her first time, 17-year-old Sakura received all sorts of information online and from friends about how to satisfy her boyfriend. She made a series of preparations: buying a matching set of lingerie and removing pubic hair. However, the experience wasn’t as wonderful as she had imagined. Her boyfriend completely ignored her nervousness and discomfort, and ran away halfway through. Later, reflecting on the experience, she felt like she had been treated like an object.
This reminds me of messages I received from more than one female reader: even if they feel very uncomfortable during sex, they find it hard to refuse and will “endure” it to satisfy their boyfriend’s expectations.
Many studies have shown that women experience more discomfort than men when it comes to sex, and they find it difficult to express their discomfort.
Sex is meant to be pleasurable. So why is it something that women have to “endure”?
Women’s sexual experience: Is it “good enough” if it’s not “terrible” ?
38-year-old Amelia recounts how she convinced herself to endure the discomfort during sex:
“Sometimes it really hurt, and I would tell him; but sometimes the pain wasn’t so bad, so I chose to endure it. At the time, I felt a strong pressure to make him happy.”
You’ll find that women have much lower expectations for sex than men:
1. Unsatisfactory sexual intercourse is extremely painful for women and unstimulating/imperfect for men.
In 2010, Sarah McClelland, a feminist psychologist at the University of Michigan, conducted a study titled “Intimacy Justice: A Critical Analysis of Sexual Satisfaction,” which found that:
Men and women describe their “unsatisfactory” sexual experiences in completely different ways:
Women often use words that represent severe negative emotions: depression, sadness, pain, despair…
◍ For men, the more common reasons are: loneliness, unattractive sexual partners, and insufficient sexual stimulation…
Dissatisfaction for women means “potentially extreme emotional distress,” while for men it simply means “a less enjoyable experience.” Men never imagine sex as harmful or destructive to them.
2. Faking an orgasm to protect one’s masculinity.
In a 2018 study of more than 1,600 heterosexual married couples, researchers found that 43% of husbands “misunderstood the frequency with which their wives experienced orgasms.”
The main reason for faking an orgasm is to protect the male partner’s self-esteem, and secondly, to end the sexual intercourse because it feels like it has taken too long.
They find it harder to enjoy genuine pleasure in sex and don’t even know what they like. This is because sex is often about fulfilling their partner’s expectations.
A 2013 UK survey revealed that women were twice as likely as men to report a lack of interest in sex. Reports of lack of enjoyment, physical pain, and difficulty achieving orgasm were also more common among women. Some women stated that they “rarely or almost never feel emotionally intimate with their partners.”
3. More suffering from pain and coercion
Women also experience more negative sexual experiences than men, such as pain or coercion. According to a 2015 US study, approximately 30% of women and 7% of men reported pain during vaginal intercourse (more than three times the rate for women); and approximately 72% of women and 15% of men reported pain during anal intercourse (nearly five times the rate for women).
According to research data from Australia, 22% of women have been coerced into engaging in unwanted sexual activity, compared to 4% of men (more than five times the rate for women).
The sex education we receive rarely considers female pleasure.
American sexologist Cher Hite wrote the famous “Hite Reports” in the 1970s and 80s. She used open-ended questionnaires to survey the real feelings of many women about sex at the time. Here are a few excerpts:
“That’s right, I must have an orgasm. Otherwise, I’m not a real woman, and it will make my sexual partner feel terrible, and might even cause him to abandon me. Men prefer to have sex with women who can have orgasms.”
“Men care more about whether their partner has an orgasm than women do. My orgasm is more important to my husband than to myself.”
“I always fake orgasms (I’m 62 years old). Male doctors always suggest that I should fake orgasms to please my husband. I’ve always wondered if my body is lacking something after 35 years of marriage, which is why I have to fake orgasms.”
Why does sex always mean “satisfying your partner” for women (Aanchez, 2006)? Why do women feel ashamed of masturbation? Why is it necessary to fake an orgasm? Why do women attribute their inability to orgasm to their own problems, or even feel that they “aren’t real women”?
A significant reason is that the message we receive from movies, newspaper articles, and how our partners treat us in the bedroom is that our pleasure isn’t that important.
In TV dramas, women buy sexy lingerie before dates and chat with their girlfriends about how to “satisfy him,” but men never do that.
We are told that women don’t have as many desires as men, or that they shouldn’t have any. Expressing sexual desire is a shameful thing.
Take “orgasm” for example. Have you ever heard the claim that “women have a harder time reaching orgasm than men”? It attributes women’s difficulty in achieving orgasm to gender differences and physical structure. The media even cites data from “research findings,” such as men reaching orgasm in 2-10 minutes, while women need 20-40 minutes.
However, women are not inherently more unable to achieve orgasm. According to the Kinsey Reports, the vast majority of women reach orgasm within four minutes of masturbation.
The real reason why women have difficulty reaching orgasm is that few men understand how to bring pleasure to women during sex.
A series of studies have found that women are more likely to achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation than through vaginal intercourse, which men prefer. However, clitoral stimulation that brings satisfaction to women has always been defined as preparatory work before satisfying men, the so-called “foreplay.”
As Heidi points out in the book:
In our understanding of sexual definitions, clitoral stimulation—the sexual stimulation that enables most women to achieve orgasm—is often excluded. This means that (in their view) either female orgasm is less important than male orgasm, or women should try to achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse, which is more suitable for men.
Under this male-dominated definition, women not only cannot pursue their own pleasure, but also bear the burden of a “pressure to achieve orgasm”:
To maintain their male ego or to conform to their idea of ”what a woman should be like,” they orgasm in ways they imagine, even if it’s faked.
And if a woman cannot meet this script imagined by men, she will be considered problematic:
In sex research during the 1970s, some researchers considered women who could not achieve orgasm during vaginal intercourse as having “vaginal orgasm deficiency.” One woman described the attitudes of men around her as follows:
“Most of the men I’ve had sex with know nothing about female orgasms. Worse still, they think that if a woman can’t orgasm through vaginal intercourse, she needs psychological treatment.”
It is these voices that lead women to associate sex with submission, making it difficult for them to imagine asking for more. Clinical sexologist Tenny Iakorn says:
In my work, I’ve met many women who find themselves trapped in a narrative of what they “should” do in the bedroom, or driven by their partner’s sexual needs. They don’t take the time to be with themselves, figure out what they truly enjoy, and often feel ashamed of doing so.
As Heidi said, this kind of inequality, which is hard to articulate, forces women to submit to the exclusion and oppression of society even in their most private moments:
In male-female relationships, due to the inequality of the power structure, women are unwilling and unable to demand that their sexual needs be fully satisfied, while men can take whatever they want. Therefore, women can only be loyal servants, always ready to serve men’s desires and needs.
03Daring to say “I’m not satisfied” is the beginning of change.
A few days ago, the editorial team was discussing this topic, and Xiaobailong mentioned the 2019 film “Send Me to the Clouds,” which is a rare domestic film that presents female desire.
In the film, Yao Chen’s character, Sheng Nan, is ignored or rejected every time she expresses her sexual needs to a man. The disappointment of not getting a response after expressing her needs left a particularly deep impression on me.
From a psychological perspective, being able to feel disappointment is also a form of progress, because the belief behind disappointment is:
I should be satisfied.
The experience of sex is not just about sex itself; it reflects a person’s beliefs about “what I can have,” a sense of “worthiness” both within and outside of relationships. As Sarah McClellan said:
Sexual expectation is a person’s belief about their future sexual self. Sexual satisfaction scores can represent a range of other experiences, feelings of deservement, entitlement, and hope.
These differences should be documented and analyzed, and not simply dismissed as diversity, or worse, taken for granted.
To bridge this gap, we can begin by believing that “it shouldn’t be this way,” by saying “I’m not satisfied,” and by believing we can demand more. Because dissatisfaction, disappointment, and anger can also empower us; they speak through a defiant attitude:
My feelings deserve to be respected, and my needs deserve to be met;
I accept that I am unique and do not need to conform to any “standard woman” script;
The relationship I want should first and foremost be equal; I shouldn’t place my needs below those of the other person.
I always have the right to voice my opinions and pursue my physical and emotional happiness.
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