Your search history reveals the most authentic parts of your intimate life.

Editor’s Note:

When it comes to privacy, many people don’t immediately think of their ID card or bank card, but rather their private life. In China, people are not used to discussing “sex” in public. But in the United States, people are more open—but don’t assume that their willingness to discuss it means they are willing to tell the truth.

A recent book, *Everybody Lies*, directly states that everyone lies. The Atlantic interviewed author Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, asking him to discuss the part of the book that people find most interesting: how people lie about sex.

The following is an article from The Atlantic:

Perhaps the motto should be changed to “Truth resides in Google Search.” Where do people entrust their most private worries, thoughts, and fears? The answer isn’t the nearest water dispenser, nor an app that boasts in a seemingly humble way; people are more likely to seek solace in the relative privacy of the search box.

Former Google data expert Seth Stephens-Davidowitz used his data analytics skills to understand what Americans really think. He compiled his findings into a new book, “Everybody Lies,” published in May 2017, which shows that the terms and questions people enter into search engines do not match their claims in surveys.

In a recent interview with Olga Khazan, global editor of The Atlantic, Stephens-Davidowitz revealed, “For example, people consistently search for pornography more often than they search for the weather.” However, in reality, only 25% of men and 8% of women would admit to watching pornography to researchers.

Besides Google, some of Stephens-Davidowitz’s research is based on recordings (audio data, rather than self-exposure), an indirect method that can achieve a similar effect to truth serum.

Kazan recently discussed some of the most surprising findings of his new book with Stephens Davidowitz, which touches on gender norms, biases, and romance. They focused on search data about sex and relationships. Here is an excerpt of their interview:

Olga Kazan (hereinafter referred to as Kazan): Speaking of pornography, I’d like to know if you could talk about pornographic literature depicting the violence against women. What unexpected behaviors do people exhibit when searching for this content? What message does this convey to us?

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (hereinafter referred to as Seth): This is a major theme in pornography, but I find it somewhat surprising that it’s far more popular among women than men. For women, it’s one of the most popular genres of pornography. In terms of search volume, women search for violent pornography about twice as many times as men.

Of course, for some reason, some people, upon hearing about this situation, inexplicably think that rape is a less terrible crime, which goes against common sense. This is just a fantasy and does not mean that they would want it in real life.

Kazan: To me, the above facts show that there is a big difference between the fantasy life and the real life in terms of people’s sexual desires.

Seth: It’s somewhat similar to horror movies, which are also very popular among women. I think in real life women don’t want to be kidnapped, but many women enjoy watching movies with kidnapping plots.

Similarly, even women who do not identify as lesbians search for a lot of lesbian pornography.

Kazan: Let’s say you stop watching porn and go on a date. How does the man know if his date is interested in him? And vice versa.

Seth: This is a study where researchers provided heterosexual men and women participating in speed dating with recording devices, and then they judged whether these men and women would be willing to go on a second date. They pointed out: What do men and women say on a first date to hint that they want to continue dating or to increase the chances that the other person wants to continue dating?

For women, frequent use of the word “I” during a first date indicates interest; a man speaking in a deep, monotonous voice indicates interest; a woman who is not interested will use vague terms such as “a little,” “slightly,” or “perhaps”; and a man can increase the likelihood of a second date by smiling knowingly at a woman’s joke or by showing support (such as “That must be difficult” or “That sounds tough”).

This isn’t anything particularly complicated, but I think many men might find it helpful to know. A woman can increase the chances of a man continuing the date by using the word “I” more often when talking about herself. This might seem counterintuitive. I think many women believe they shouldn’t talk too much about themselves, yet men seem to really appreciate it when women are open and honest on a first date.

Kazan: Okay, once they’ve been dating for a while, what’s the number one search term for complaining about boyfriends?

Seth: It’s “My boyfriend doesn’t have sex with me”.

Kazan: You mean this is more common than “my girlfriend won’t have sex with me”?

Seth: Yes, the former is roughly twice as many as the latter. This doesn’t mean that more than twice as many boyfriends refuse sex compared to their girlfriends. This could be because when a boyfriend refuses sex, his girlfriend is more likely to resort to a Google search, because it’s more surprising (compared to women refusing men). Because in popular culture, men are expected to crave sex often, but I think these research data do suggest that men who avoid sex may be more common than traditionally thought.

Kazan: Why are they so reluctant to have sex? What is the biggest insecurity men have about their own bodies?

Seth: Men tend to be insecure about the size of their genitals. This is to be expected, but the degree of insecurity is surprising. I draw this conclusion primarily because men ask far more questions about their genitals than about other parts of their bodies. As men age, their primary concern about the aging process isn’t their blood pressure, cholesterol, or potential memory problems, but whether their genitals will shrink.

Women don’t often search for information about their partner’s genitals. When they do, about half complain it’s too small and the other half complain it’s too big.

Kazan: As men get older, do they start to worry about actual health issues? Or do they continue to focus on the above-mentioned issues as always?

Seth: We can’t know that accurately because you can’t know the exact age of the searcher.

Kazan: Okay, what about the ladies? What are they concerned about?

Seth: I think the main source of insecurity for women is the smell of their genitals, something I was completely unaware of before, so this finding surprised me. It accounts for a large proportion of searches related to women’s genitals. I think it’s very valuable to know this because this issue isn’t really discussed in most sex education courses, yet a significant number of women, especially young women, are generally quite obsessed with the smell.

Therefore, this issue clearly needs to be discussed. What is normal? What situations require attention? This is a big question, but we lack understanding of it because it involves unspoken concerns and is embarrassing for many. However, because people have told Google everything, we now understand how widespread this insecurity is.

Kazan: Are there really men searching for “I don’t like the smell of my girlfriend’s vagina”?

Seth: Yes, they did search for it. It was a bit of a joke; they were worried it would smell like a condom or another man’s semen because they’d have the impression that she might be cheating on them.

Kazan: Despite so much concern and anxiety about smell, how often do people actually have sex? How much of their answers differ from the actual frequency of sex in real life?

Seth: They actually have far less sex than they say. My research on this issue is primarily based on condom data. In general social surveys, people are asked about the frequency of their sex life, whether heterosexual or homosexual, and whether they use condoms. Do the math yourself: women say they use 1.1 billion condoms a year during heterosexual sex, while men say they use 1.6 billion condoms a year during heterosexual sex, but you know some of them are lying. So who’s lying?

In fact, only 600 million condoms are sold in the US each year, some of which are used by gay men and some are thrown away. They exaggerated their condom usage frequency in the survey. This doesn’t mean they lied about their sexual frequency when answering questions; they may simply have lied about the frequency of their use of contraception. However, if we consider the frequency with which women of childbearing age in the US report having sex without contraception, then many more women should be pregnant each year. I believe everyone in the survey exaggerated their sexual frequency because there’s pressure in today’s culture to have a lot of sex, and if you don’t actually have that much sex, you face pressure not to admit it. Men, like women, face pressure to exaggerate.

Kazan: Another thing I find interesting is that the search term “Is my husband gay?” is more popular than “Is my husband lying to me?”. Why is that?

Seth: “Is my husband gay?” This search term is most common in states like South Carolina, Mississippi, and Tennessee, where it’s difficult to identify as gay. I believe some of the husbands living in these areas are indeed gay. Furthermore, people in these states search for gay pornography significantly more often than for gay men in other pornography searches.

Therefore, I believe that in places like South Carolina, Mississippi, and Tennessee, men do face a risk of being gay. That said, I think women in those states might be overly concerned about whether their husbands are gay. The search term “Is my husband gay?” is 10 times more frequent than “Is my husband depressed?” But the reality is that men who marry women are more likely to have depressive tendencies than to be gay.

I think this issue can be traced back to the fact that there isn’t actually that much sex in the United States, and many sexless marriages exist. Many women in sexless marriages might immediately think, “Oh, he must be gay.” But that’s usually not the case; for men, there are many other reasons why they might not be interested in sex.

Kazan: We were a bit too presumptuous about this issue, thinking, “Oh, he must be gay.”

Seth: Yes, I probably do the same thing. When a woman rejects me, I think, “She’s a lesbian.” That’s probably not true, but I think it’s a subconscious psychological defense mechanism.

This seems like an incredible contrast. On the one hand, you can see this immense insecurity online, which is almost superfluous. However, the thought of “Is my husband gay?” arising once he is unwilling to have sex with you is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism.

Kazan: When you completed the above research, what insights or profound observations did you gain about the personal lives of Americans?

Seth: I think there are two points. The first is frustrating, even a little frightening. This book, titled *Everybody Lies*, starts with racism, citing surveys where respondents said they didn’t care that Barack Obama was Black. But at the same time, they conducted a lot of research on racism, and the data clearly shows that many Americans didn’t vote for Obama precisely because he was Black.

My book begins with this question because it’s a colossal lie. You might say you don’t care if someone is Black, but that actually drives your behavior. People are capable of saying one thing and doing the opposite. It’s as if darkness is always hidden within civilized society that makes the world seem a little awful, a little terrifying and horrifying.

The second point is the pervasive sense of insecurity, which makes me feel somewhat relieved. I think that whether in front of friends or on social media, people put on a show, try to appear confident and sophisticated. But fundamentally, we are all anxious, we are all sensitive.

This makes me feel less alone and makes me more compassionate. I now believe that even if people appear relaxed on Facebook (or WeChat Moments), everyone still has their own difficult moments.

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Your search history reveals the most authentic parts of your intimate life.