Women Who Love Their Sexuality: “I Like It, and That’s Simply It”

On the day of the interview, the sun was slightly slanting down, and it was a bright afternoon. Summer afternoons in Taipei are always accompanied by waves of sultry heat. It was the beginning of autumn, but the Great Heat had already passed, and people were still in a state where their bodies were sweating profusely, ready to fight the temperature. In order to record a podcast at the same time, the Women’s Daily interview team moved the scene to the recording studio.

The appointed time was perfect. Xiaowei, who was participating remotely, had already logged on. Audrey was a few seconds late when she pushed open the door and entered. As soon as she entered, she greeted everyone with her usual bright voice, which carried the feeling of summer: “Say Hi.”

(Listen here for a blushing interview: Why are we afraid to gaze at our “naked” selves? In sex, bodily awareness and mental awareness are two different things! )

Women can also incorporate sexual expression and experiences into their daily lives.

Talking about sex in the height of summer is expected to be a sudden burst of restraint, a chance to open up about the truths we’re reluctant to face. However, Audrey says that opening up actually takes courage. “In fact, I’m a woman deeply troubled by the shame surrounding sex. Even now, when I try to understand or talk about my sexual experiences, I still feel a very deep sense of embarrassment,” she says. She mentions that advocating for sexual issues is, in a way, returning energy to herself. While building a community, she feels that we share a similar awkwardness and discomfort, so we can sit down and talk about it. We realize that we share the same discomfort, and that it has its origins.

You will like:Why are we shy about talking about our desires? A discussion of female desire from the perspective of “Sex/Life”.

In 2020, Women’s Love launched the “Blushing Bed Game Cards” project, drawing on the essence of Blushing’s 6 years of operation. Starting with “interaction and mutual assistance”, it created a set of interactive games for exploring desire, leading users to engage in sexual dialogue with themselves, their partners, and their best friends, and bringing the expression and experience of sex into daily life.

“Actually, when I was planning to launch this fundraising project on the Zeze platform last year, I was full of hesitation. Women’s magazine has all sorts of themes, including gender power, go home, and blushing. Among them, the one I’m least good at, discuss the least, and don’t know how to approach is sex,” Audrey said. Last year, she met Hsiao-Wei, who has been working on female sexuality issues for a long time, through creating “Blushing Bed Game Cards.” It was like finding an oasis full of flowers in a barren desert. “Strictly speaking, Hsiao-Wei has already moved past the stage of being afraid of sex. With her involved, I can find a way that I can talk about and feel comfortable with in the process.”

The reasons behind women’s discomfort with “experiencing,” “enjoying,” “expressing,” and “needing” are complex. From puberty onwards, an ambiguous tension develops between women and their bodies: swollen breasts, irregular menstruation, exploratory self-touching, damp underwear, and the mother’s unchanging admonition—”Girls shouldn’t be promiscuous; you must know how to protect yourself.” These become constraints on your body, as if taking another step forward risks a fall.

As a result, we are all under extreme protection, with the right to contact forbidden, which leads to the coexistence of confusion and bewilderment.

Your clitoris should have the same rights as your penis.

“People don’t understand much about women’s bodies and emotions, and society has a fixed idea of what ‘sex’ should look like,” Xiaowei said. When women’s sexuality is restricted, what remains is men’s interpretation of sex. “Therefore, when the world does not fully embrace the understanding of women’s bodies, ‘sex’ may become too focused on the act of ‘penetration’ and ignore the most important female sexual organ, the clitoris.”

Take orgasm as an example. When a woman’s “sexual organs” are relegated to a secondary role in the narrative of sex, her orgasmic experience is greatly reduced. At the same time, when the sense of time in the entire sexual process is controlled by one party, the needs of the other party are easily ignored.

Bonus content:”Does sex end as soon as the man finishes?” A young woman confesses: My past, clumsy sex never satisfied me in any way.

Xiaowei shared that there are three reasons why women have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex: first, neglecting stimulation of the vulva; second, not having enough time to accumulate, relax, open up, and surrender to the point of being able to experience orgasm; and third, beliefs can sometimes affect a woman’s level of relaxation and enjoyment during sex.

What is belief? Xiaowei says that even simple thoughts like “I shouldn’t be a woman who enjoys sex” or “Oh, I may really not be able to enjoy sex” can diminish the current sexual experience.

For a long time, society has left a snow-white pearl on girls, while constantly reminding them, “Girls, protect your modesty, that is the most beautiful thing about you.” This restraint grows in the heart like a climbing grass, grabbing the window to enjoy the pleasure of sex and preventing the sunlight from getting in.

“With those restrictive beliefs, it’s easier to limit our imagination of the possibilities of the body. When a woman doesn’t believe enough that her body has infinite possibilities and can experience different kinds and intensities of pleasure, orgasm becomes difficult to occur.” Xiaowei’s speech was sometimes fast and sometimes slow, and you could feel her anxiety to put her thoughts into words.

Honey, my orgasm needs a little longer.

Even though both women have grown from innocent girls into mature women, when discussing sex, Audrey candidly stated that it’s less about being comfortable and more about practicing being comfortable. “I often feel that the starting and ending points of a woman’s comfort are not as clear as those of a man’s at the point of orgasm. I often find myself in a very aroused state long after it has begun.” Audrey mentioned that when our bodies are not like men’s, with a clear timing for erection and no experience that signifies the end, it becomes difficult to estimate the time required.

“Yes, many people don’t have the right idea about how long a female orgasm ‘should take’,” Xiaowei immediately chimed in. This back-and-forth was like a best friend talking about sex, with the topic gradually hitting the core. Both the speaker and the listener could resonate deeply. In the back-and-forth, the feeling of finally being “understood” was very powerful. In the conversation, you could feel that every girl needs a Xiaowei, who can slowly let you express your true feelings.

“For women, foreplay should last at least 20 minutes. Don’t immediately touch sensitive organs. Let the body fully open up and unlock that desire to be touched before proceeding with further contact. That’s the best approach,” Xiaowei said. Of course, behavioral techniques can be balanced by adjusting the interaction between partners. The most important thing is to adjust your values: “You have to genuinely believe that you truly deserve that time. Don’t let embarrassment or the thought of causing trouble for others affect the experience. You need to know that your body needs that time, so you should completely defend and protect your body’s needs. This is what it means to be on the same side as your body. Only when you reach that state can you truly be opened up.”

As women, how can we rediscover our “orgasm narrative”?

However, what exactly makes women feel guilty about the time their bodies need to take?

“As Audrey mentioned earlier, many women don’t even realize they’re sexually aroused, which is crucial information,” Xiaowei said. “Usually, we understand orgasm through a very phallic lens. It has a clear beginning and a clear end, and it’s visible. The differences in sexual organs and bodies alone create fundamental differences between male and female bodies in terms of sexual experience and arousal patterns.”

“Even the so-called academics only started thinking about our commonly imagined model of sexual arousal in the last decade. It seems that it is too centered on the penis. When women imagine orgasm, they always use the experience of another body to talk about how our bodies ‘should’ be. You may feel: Am I taking too long? Am I not able to orgasm at all?” By dismantling those preset patterns attached to the body and getting closer to the body’s true needs, women will find that the time they thought was “excessive” was actually the necessity and requirement of their bodies.

To rediscover women’s own narratives of orgasm requires some deliberate effort, a shift in behavior, lengthy communication, or perhaps the assistance of certain tools.

“That’s why we wanted to promote ‘Blushing Cards ,’ hoping to break the single perspective on ‘sex’ in the past, and gradually peel back these potentially masculine and Western ways of thinking, so that we can eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel.” Audrey, carrying the fears she had avoided in the past, hurried here. In her hurried steps, there was a kind of foolishness in her determination to talk about what she was afraid of, and even more so, a kind of willfulness that said, “If I can do it, I believe you can too.”

“This is actually similar to why we created the ‘Blushing’ website in the first place. We hoped that all East Asian women, especially those from Taiwan, could have their emotional experiences well expressed, discussed, and understood,” Audrey mentioned. Whether it’s the forum or the cards, the goal is to encourage everyone, as women, to have their own needs and pursuits in terms of sexual experience. Through the practical approach of creating products and things, we want to tell the world that there are so many women here, and we hope to see that there are many facets of sex, and that the kind of sex that women care about should also be included.

Creating discussion is also creating a community. Hsiao-Wei said that the community is a very important space; it is almost a way for mainstream society to understand something. Therefore, for “sex discussions” to begin to change, it is closely related to the community.

“This community can be as small as ‘between me and my friends’ or as large as social networking platforms, media, or even small societies. How these communities support each person’s sexual orientation and the sexual experiences they want is related to the degree to which this matter is noticed, accepted, and cared about,” Hsiao-Wei said. “Realistically, when our communities continue to restrict women from experiencing sexual pleasure, the space for discussion cannot continue to expand.”

Conversely, when sex can be discussed, it can be normalized, and people will have more avenues to learn about ways to make sex happen better, and everyone can express themselves more freely.

Creating a diverse and inclusive deck of cards: The women we’re referring to are the broadest range of women you can imagine.

In 2021, WomanMix launched the second generation of “Blushing Deep Bed Game Cards” , continuing the spirit of the first generation and adding more connotations of “playing with yourself”, guiding users to integrate sexual experience into daily life, into their relationship with themselves, and to start a real interaction with their own bodies.

“For this collaboration with Xiaowei on the blushing card, we conducted many user interviews, including with transgender women within the Woman’s Love team,” Audrey mentioned. In this era of diversity and inclusion, many people are averse to discussing gender, always feeling that it’s necessary because of political correctness. “But in fact, the core of diversity and inclusion lies in inclusiveness and tolerance. It’s about recognizing that everyone is different, so whether it’s content discussion or product development, we hope to create a space where everyone can feel more comfortable.”

When discussing female sexuality, we easily place ourselves in the heterosexual perspective of female experience. But what about the sexuality of lesbian couples? What about the sexuality of transgender women? What are their fears and expectations of being seen? Whether this aspect is properly addressed within the same narrative is quite important for Xiaowei and Audrey.

Recommended reading:Unspoken sexual needs? A lesbian confession: Satisfying yourself is not shameful; everyone deserves a pleasurable sexual experience.

“When the Blushing Cards were first released, I was actually troubled by a question for a long time,” Audrey shared: “The product itself is meant to break down people’s preconceived notions about ‘sex,’ so how do I incorporate different gender identities and sexual orientations into the card design? How should I phrase things? Should I use ‘she’ or ‘he’ as my pronouns? When referring to a partner, should the nouns I choose include different possibilities, and also include open relationships?”

When a product itself is within a very contemporary issue, all discussions will lead to an essential exploration; but when we talk about female desire and hope to embrace the greatest common denominator of shared feelings, are there any small voices that will be lost outside of these discussions?

“To avoid these situations, in the text and images of ‘Blushing Red Cards,’ we hope to blur the boundaries of gender slightly. You won’t immediately think that the images are male or female, or fall into a heterosexual perspective. In this process, we hope to create the idea that there are all kinds of bodies in the world. You can play with a woman’s body or a man’s body. And the ‘woman’ we want to discuss is the broadest kind that you can imagine.”

With this initial intention in mind, Audrey and Xiaowei interviewed a transgender woman on the team to get her perspective on the product: “If this deck of cards is to incorporate the needs of transgender women, what adjustments can the team make?”

Further Reading:[Ten Years of Legacy] Woman’s Dream Team Story: Every day here, I enjoy the happiness brought by diversity and integration.

Audrey says that experience is often difficult to truly transfer from one body to another, so all cognition remains just conjecture. However, once you truly understand, you will realize that Heinrich’s “empathy” under the greatest common denominator of women’s collective perception is more common than you originally imagined.

“For example, when you hear a transgender woman say that when she sees her body in the mirror, she still doesn’t know how to face herself, on the one hand you find this inner struggle very touching, on the other hand you feel that this is exactly the same as when I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself.”

The shared experience comes after the conversation begins, when we realize that in sex, we dislike certain parts of ourselves; when naked, we are afraid to see parts of ourselves, no matter where those parts are—these are all bodily experiences we share.

“For me, seeing the commonalities in women’s bodily experiences in interviews is the greatest gift we receive, and that gift is seeing the precious part of finding common ground amidst differences in diversity and inclusion.”

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Women Who Love Their Sexuality: “I Like It, and That’s Simply It”