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Return To ShopThe Pain of a Marriage Without Harmonious Intimacy
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The day before yesterday, my best friend told me:
She made an appointment to have coffee with an older woman.
After taking a few sips, the older sister started talking to her, “He only has sex a few times a year, you think he’s having an affair?”
It’s quite a reality when you think about it. So many women, after getting married and having children, live a completely single life.
“Check his phone, it’ll all be clear,” my best friend suggested to my older sister.
“No!” the older woman refused. She and her husband had been married for ten years, and their secret to a respectful marriage was that she never looked at her husband’s phone.
This woman was originally a lawyer. After more than ten years of litigation, she built up a network of contacts and partnered with others to open several fast food restaurants. With money coming in and going out, she built up a business empire and now she lives off the rent from her shops, living a life free from financial worries.
Her financial independence is undeniable.
“After ten years of marriage, the love is definitely gone, but if he’s having affairs with other women, I’ll still feel bad.”
Women in their thirties are like wolves and tigers, and I am a hungry wolf now; I want to eat meat.
“You never know how clean the meat outside is, and what if the other person has ulterior motives and takes a picture as a souvenir? It’s not worth ruining your reputation for a moment of pleasure.”
It may sound cruel to others, but it is ultimately the reality.
The asymmetry in marriage is a nightmare for many women. Sleeping in the same bed but dreaming different dreams, a sexless life.
Often, it’s not the loneliness of being alone that’s frightening, but the solitude of being with someone.
If life is like this, then marriage is no different.
02
A 2013 survey conducted by Tsinghua University and Xiaokang magazine showed that premarital sex had reached 71%, and among those born in the 1980s and 1990s, premarital sex was nearly 100%.
I don’t agree with this 100% figure, since many people, including myself, have not engaged in premarital sex.
But at least it shows that:
Those born in the 1980s and 1990s, who had just entered into marriage or were still dating, shared a common desire and need for sex.
However, looking back six or seven years, as those born in the 1980s enter middle age and those born in the 1990s turn 30, more and more people are beginning to accept this:
My marriage is real.
My own asexual life is also true.
Love may not be broken, but sex life certainly is gone.
03
Many years ago, on Tianya (a Chinese online forum), a woman lamented about her husband:
She is successful in her career and has a great figure and appearance. Her husband is also impeccable in the eyes of others. He is also doing well in his career and is very considerate and caring towards her, always going along with her wishes.
However, what she found most difficult to talk about was that her husband rarely initiated sexual activity with her, and even when he did, he often refused, sometimes acting as if he was afraid of being raped.
My husband is absolutely not having an affair. He goes to work during the day and never goes out at night.
The woman said she had even considered having an affair. But when she thought of her family, she stopped herself.
But seeing the comments was still comforting:
Many people understand the difficulties women face.
Marriage is about physical coexistence and spiritual comfort.
Just like in today’s society, you can tell others: my husband cheated on me, my husband is violent, or even say that my husband and I are incompatible.
But when you tell others:
My husband and I have an unsatisfactory sex life.
The mockery between people will also come at you.
Even if they say they understand, what they really think is: Why are your demands so high? What kind of reason for divorce is that?
Faced with moral ethics and physical needs, there are often unspeakable frustrations.
You may be able to understand yourself, but you may not be understood by others.
You may be able to talk endlessly about other people’s problems, but you’re helpless when it comes to your own.
04
In 2017, the Pulse Data Research Institute conducted a one-time life survey of nearly two thousand Chinese working professionals and released the “Sex Life Survey Report of Chinese Working Professionals”.
A survey shows that 40.1% of working professionals say their careers and jobs have affected their sex lives.
The main manifestations are:
Because of frequent overtime work, I’m so tired that it affects the quality of my sex life, and I’m even too tired to have any interest in sex.
Frequent business trips and long periods of separation greatly affect my sex life with my partner;
Because of work, we live apart, which has a significant impact on our lives.
A lack of sexual activity within a month is considered a sexless life, and for many people, this could already be considered a sexless marriage.
What exactly makes us unable to handle physical pleasure? How can we resolve the unspoken mismatches and inequalities between men and women regarding sex?
Learn physical contact.
Many couples start sleeping in separate beds early on after having children, essentially for the sake of their careers, but this actually greatly affects their relationship.
Even if people share the same bed but have different dreams, there is still physical contact; if they share the same room but have different dreams, the impact is probably even greater.
At such a young age, unless absolutely necessary, avoid sleeping in separate beds.
Be sexy at home.
Being sexy at home doesn’t mean wearing heavy makeup.
Instead, express your body appropriately. Don’t be shy, don’t shy away.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, being fun and interesting is far more important than being boring. Remember each other’s holidays, remember what each other likes, remember the champagne, remember the candles, and more…
You’re a mature adult now; you need to learn how to flirt.
Don’t let stress ruin you.
Not to mention working overtime all day long, even the rare opportunity for sex is disrupted.
My friend often complains to me that every time he wants to get intimate, his phone rings with a text message or a phone call.
The enthusiasm that had been aroused was abruptly suppressed.
After finishing the call, the two of them lost interest and fell fast asleep.
So, when couples are making love, just enjoy it. Turn on airplane mode or turn off your phone; you won’t miss out on billions of dollars in business.
It’s already so rare, let’s not let it all go to zero.
05
If marriage is for the purpose of making a living, then marriage is a long-term form of prostitution.
These words were said by Eileen Chang.
Nowadays, not many people maintain their marriages just to make a living, but love is not only something that can be talked about, but also something that can be shown through actions.
Which is more important, romance or sex?
There’s no such thing as important or unimportant; it’s just that none of them can be missing.
Never underestimate the immense benefits of every act of love and intimacy between men and women, and never miss out on any act of love and tolerance.
Many years ago, I heard a strange woman say the following:
My husband was reserved when he was young, but by the time he finally wanted to get what he wanted, we were already old.
Many times, once you miss something, you can never get it back.
Sex, love, and marriage are the truth.
To love enough and to do enough are the basic capabilities of marriage.
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