Overcoming Intimate Discomfort: How I Learned to Embrace Myself Fully

Yesterday, a sister who had successfully had intercourse told me, “Teacher, my husband and I had intercourse yesterday, and it didn’t hurt at all. After he fell asleep, I secretly cried for a long time. It wasn’t because of the pain, nor because of the joy, but because I felt that the problem that had been bothering me for so many years was suddenly gone. I’m not sick, I’m normal. I really want to apologize to my past self for torturing myself all this time.”
She went from crying out in pain at the slightest touch from her husband to being completely intimate with him. On the surface, this journey seems about physical liberation, but only those who have experienced it firsthand can truly understand that it is actually a process of reconciliation and return to one’s true self. “Pain” is the body’s cry for unspoken words.
Many women who come to me initially believe the problem lies with their “uncooperative” bodies. During intercourse, even the slightest touch feels like burning or tearing at the vaginal opening, causing excruciating pain that makes them want to push their partner away instantly; in severe cases, they even break out in a cold sweat. However, when they go to the hospital for examination, they are often told that “there is nothing wrong with the organ structure”—that there is nothing wrong with their bodies.
Where does that pain come from? After communicating with hundreds of women, I discovered that behind that sharp pain, there is often something else hidden:

It may be due to a deep-seated shame and fear of sex itself, with information received from childhood equating it with “dirty”, “sin”, and “sacrifice”.
It could be anxiety about pregnancy and childbirth that the body is trying to tell you, “I’m not ready.”
It may be that there is some subconscious dissatisfaction or alienation with the partner, and the physical resistance is used to express the inability to fully commit emotionally.
It might even be simply because they want to “complete the task” too much, want to be a “good wife” or a “normal woman.” This heavy pressure of “having to do well” makes every muscle feel like it’s facing a formidable enemy.
Therefore, at this moment, the “door” of the body is tightly locked, not because the door is broken, but because the “gatekeeper” inside the door—your heart—is in a state of high fear and vigilance.
Letting go and “fighting” it is the real beginning.
The most crucial step in solving this problem is often not learning any complex techniques, but rather stopping being at odds with yourself. The first thing I had my friend do was make an agreement with her husband: for the next month, their intimacy would be completely separate from penetration. They should no longer treat it as a goal to be conquered. They could hug, kiss, and caress, but if they felt any tension, they should stop immediately and never “grit their teeth and try again.” This “pause button” relieved her of the heaviest pressure. When the possibility of “failure” was removed, and intimacy returned to simple physical contact and emotional exchange, she discovered for the first time that she could enjoy touch. Her body’s memory began to be rewritten: closeness didn’t equal pain; it could also equal warmth and safety. “It doesn’t hurt anymore,” so why did she want to cry? Under my guidance, she underwent desensitization exercises step by step. When her body had become accustomed to it, after successfully completing intercourse with her husband, she didn’t feel simple ecstasy, but a profound sadness mixed with resentment and relief. She cried because, in that moment, she truly touched that “inner self” she had once ignored, blamed, and even despised. For so many years, whenever intercourse failed, she would mentally berate herself: “How could you be so useless?” “Are you sick?” She attributed all her misfortunes to that “uncooperative” body. But when the pain subsided, she suddenly realized: that part that had always been “uncooperative” was actually its most loyal guardian. It had risked pain to desperately protect the unseen fears, pressures, and anxieties within her. She wasn’t fighting against her body; she had been fighting against the most vulnerable and authentic part of herself. She cried for the self that had been misunderstood and criticized for so long; it was a long-overdue apology: “I’m sorry, I’ve been ignoring your feelings and forcing you to do what you’re afraid of. Now, I see it, I understand.”
From fearing pain to enjoying intimacy, the essence of this process is a profound training in self-acceptance:
Accept your “abnormality”: Acknowledge that you are facing difficulties temporarily and allow these difficulties to exist. This does not mean you have failed; it simply means you need a different path.
Accept your body’s feelings: When your body says “it hurts” or “it’s tense,” don’t try to force it. Your feelings always deserve to be respected, even the feelings you resist.
Accept yourself whole, not perfect: You don’t need to be a “perfect” or barrier-free sexual partner. You just need to be someone who feels safe in intimacy and can express their true feelings.
When you can truly embrace the part of yourself that experiences fear, tension, and pain, your body will be able to safely shed its armor. Because external intimacy is ultimately a mirror image of your inner relationship. Only when you reconcile with yourself will the channels of intimacy with your partner truly open. So, if you have ever felt pain or difficulty in intimacy, don’t just focus on that “door.” Accept it.

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Overcoming Intimate Discomfort: How I Learned to Embrace Myself Fully