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Return To ShopLove Beyond Surface: What Chen Daoming Says About the Essence of Love
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“The greatest significance of marriage is not about food and clothing, nor about having children, but about the exchange of souls, the flow of love, mutual comfort, mutual nourishment, and mutual fulfillment.” — When Chen Daoming’s interpretation of marriage circulated online, many exclaimed that it “revolutionized their worldview.” In today’s world of rampant fast-paced relationships, this view of love that emphasizes spiritual cultivation sounds both luxurious and idealistic. But looking back at the story of Chen Daoming and Du Xian’s more than forty years together, you’ll find that this seemingly “old-fashioned” path may precisely reveal the most fundamental logic of a happy marriage.
① Good love is built through arguments.
Don’t be fooled by Chen Daoming and Du Xian’s seemingly idyllic present; their love story was anything but smooth sailing. They met when they were both relatively unknown; Du Xian was a well-known broadcaster in Beijing, while Chen Daoming was just a struggling actor. The disparity in their circumstances inevitably led to some bumps along the way. Du Xian recalled that they often argued, even breaking up at one point and returning each other’s gifts. The most memorable instance was when, after an argument, they vowed never to speak again, but Du Xian inexplicably got off a bus near the Central Academy of Drama, wanting to see him one last time. As she transferred to the last bus, she saw Chen Daoming standing across the street. She walked over and asked, “Why are you waiting here?” Chen Daoming, his eyes moist, replied, “I just wanted to see you one last time.” This near-breakup, ironically, confirmed their deep-seated love for each other.
Psychological research has found that conflict is inevitable as long as differences exist between two people; on average, each couple may argue about seven times every two weeks. The key is not whether they argue, but how they argue. Chen Daoming has a quick temper, while Du Xian has a gentle, forgetful nature. Their wisdom lies in finding a healthy conflict management model: Chen Daoming encourages Du Xian to express her feelings and not keep conflicts bottled up; and Du Xian’s tolerance and forbearance prevent arguments from escalating into mutual attacks. This aligns with the findings of marriage psychologist John Gottman: what destroys relationships is not the conflict itself, but the “hostile” style of arguing filled with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and indifference.
② A lasting marriage requires a shared perspective of “mutual learning and progress”.
While Chen Daoming rose to fame with works such as “The Last Emperor” and “Fortress Besieged,” Du Xian faced a turning point in her career. After the birth of her daughter, she considered giving up her career to stay home and raise her child. Chen Daoming, however, firmly opposed this, believing that women must be independent and that staying at home would make them sick. He not only brought his mother to help but also told Du Xian, “As long as you are happy and fulfilled at work, even if I’m filming in another city, I will fly over to see you.” This support allowed Du Xian to continuously expand her career, transitioning from a broadcaster to a behind-the-scenes editor and pursuing a master’s degree in economics, always maintaining the vitality to keep pace with the times.
This “mutual achievement” dynamic breaks down the rigid division of labor in traditional marriages, where one person manages the household while the other handles external affairs. Chen Daoming once remarked, “When I was nothing, Du Xian chose me, which shows my wife is not opportunistic at all. It’s her greatness, not my glory.” Du Xian, in turn, firmly believes, “If you ask who is the best male actor in China, I don’t know, but in my eyes, my husband Chen Daoming will always be number one!” They are not dependent on each other, but rather independent individuals who appreciate each other and move forward together. This belief in “growth” is far more likely to make their relationship last than the “fatalism” that holds that relationships are “predestined.”
③ The foundation of happiness stems from deep connections and individual independence.
In the complex and chaotic entertainment industry, Chen Daoming is known as a homebody. He doesn’t smoke, drink, or socialize, and he never frequents bars or nightclubs. He enjoys “sitting at home with his wife by the window, her embroidering, and him making leather bags for her and clothes for their daughter. Outside, the leaves fall silently; inside, time is peaceful and serene.” Even when filming in Beijing, he insists on going home even if he finishes work late at night; when filming wraps up in another city, he puts down his cup and heads straight to the airport—as if home has a powerful magnetic pull on him.
This dependence, however, is not clingy control. Although their work often separates them, they embody the saying, “If love between two people lasts forever, why should they be together every day?” Du Xian even humorously observed her husband’s “occupational aftereffects”: when playing an emperor outside, he’s more temperamental at home; when playing a commoner, he’s more humble. They are deeply connected yet respect each other’s independent space. This perfectly illustrates a dialectical contradiction in intimate relationships: we need close connection with our partners, but we also need to maintain our individual autonomy. Failing to handle this contradiction well can easily lead to conflict.
④ Trust is a firewall, protecting against external storms.
As a highly acclaimed actor, Chen Daoming has also faced scandals. At its worst, rumors were rampant, but he and Du Xian responded with “deep shock” and “deep hurt,” resolutely resorting to legal action. Du Xian’s attitude was crucial: she chose to place her unwavering trust in him. She didn’t publicly question or complain, but calmly stated that the couple were often busy with their own work, and sometimes their home was unoccupied for months at a time. This exceptional trust rendered the rumor-mongers powerless and protected the stability of their family.
Du Xian later joked that the divorce rumors were probably fabricated by Chen Daoming himself, because she had been out of the public eye for a long time and he disliked giving interviews. Behind this lighthearted banter lies a trust and tacit understanding forged through trials and tribulations. This trust is not blind, but based on a deep understanding built over many years of living together, and on each other’s consistent character. In relationships, the greatest harm often comes not from external voices, but from the collapse of the fortress of internal trust.
Looking back, Chen Daoming and Du Xian’s “old-fashioned” marriage may offer a remedy for contemporary emotional dilemmas. It tells us that the underlying logic of a happy marriage is not the pursuit of eternal passion and romance, nor is it a simple, crude exchange of value, but rather a long-term “co-cultivation” through spiritual communication, mutual nourishment, and shared achievements. This path requires wisdom, patience, and, most importantly, the shared will and effort of both partners.
So, in today’s world where weighing the pros and cons seems to have become an introductory lesson in relationships, is this “ancient” wisdom of not demanding a “perfect match” but pursuing “mutual achievement” the happiness code we should rediscover, or is it an overly idealistic fairy tale of love?
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