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Return To ShopIs DIY for women shameful? A 31-year-old married woman speaks her mind.
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After Yezi got married and had children, she gradually shifted her focus to her family. When I called her, she was still at home chasing after her mischievous child.
Hearing my greeting, she felt like a lost traveler who had wandered alone in the desert and suddenly discovered a new continent, finally reaching the shore.
She complained to me endlessly about her family life. She’s at home every day taking care of the kids, changing diapers, and making formula. She has to look after the little ones and the elderly too. Her mother-in-law goes out to play mahjong every day, and when she comes back, there’s a meal ready for her—she’s living a very comfortable life. And yet, her mother-in-law is always finding fault with her, while her husband doesn’t care. The kids are so noisy at night that she hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time.
Amidst her barrage of firecrackers, I overheard a shocking piece of gossip: she and her husband had been sleeping in separate beds for over two years.
I was surprised and asked her: “You stopped having sex with your husband after you had children?”
She gave an awkward laugh.
In my memory, the two of them were in the prime of their lives, their passion burning brightly. How could it have fizzled out so quickly? As a normal person, I really can’t imagine how Yezi endured those two years of a sexless marriage.
I said to her speechlessly: You’re only 31, too young. You’re not going to become a nun now, are you?
She said life is too tiring now. Going to work is already exhausting enough, and coming home exhausted still means taking care of the kids. She feels like she has to give it her all just to barely get things done. Being able to sleep an extra minute is a blessing; she has no time to think about her own desires.
I said, “So your life must be so packed that you’re even giving up your instincts.” These are normal desires, nothing shameful. Face your body’s instincts. Women experience uncontrollable desires due to hormone secretion, and if these desires aren’t addressed scientifically, they can lead to health problems over time.
She agreed with me, saying that she does have those few days every month when she has inappropriate thoughts, but she just tries to bear it. Now she’s very laid-back, focusing entirely on taking care of the child and not being distracted.
I suggested she try DIY, maybe buy a small toy. There are all sorts of styles available now, they’re stylish, multifunctional, and even better than her husband!
She laughed heartily and said to me, “Then I’m going to buy a safe and lock it up.”
I suddenly didn’t know what to say, and she thought I was joking, so she replied in a joking tone as well.
The word “lock” reveals her attitude: it’s not that she can’t use these toys, but that she’s afraid of being seen by others. She’s afraid of being discovered by her husband, and even more afraid of being discovered by her mother-in-law.
She felt that DIY, or even her own desires, were something she couldn’t express to others or let them know, including her husband. In her mind, this was a wrong idea, and even if there was a need, it had to be strongly suppressed.
In my impression, Yezi is a modern woman; she’s mature, independent, hardworking at work, and a devoted wife and mother. She balances work and family very well. However, in intimate relationships, she can’t openly acknowledge her own normal needs, doesn’t value them, and even feels ashamed of DIY.
DIY is a perfectly normal part of daily life. Yet, many people harbor contempt and ridicule towards women who do DIY.
I saw a post online from a man asking what to do when he discovered his girlfriend was using sex toys. The comments section was flooded with insults; some called the girl slutty, some called her cheap, and others said the man was unmanly for not being able to satisfy his woman. It was all negative; I didn’t see anyone stand up for the woman.
I watched a sex education film that said that DIY toys were originally medical devices, because in the past many people believed that women had no desires.
Therefore, women suffer from sexual repression, and many develop illnesses from it. Later, doctors used massage as a treatment method, and some women were cured. Now these small toys have appeared. If you think this is shameful, isn’t that just as outdated as the old ideas?
When you pet a cat or dog, you feel healed because your brain releases oxytocin. This same hormone is also released when you’re in love and thinking about someone. When you’re doing DIY (DIY projects), you release these same hormones, achieving a healing effect. Therefore, DIY is also a way to pamper yourself, just like daily skincare.
If boys can openly talk about masturbation and discuss various private topics without any hesitation, then why should girls feel burdened? Both have normal physiological and psychological needs, so why should girls be labeled as “promiscuous”?
Like many girls, I believe many appear calm and collected on the outside, but harbor restless desires within, yet are afraid to act on them. This is because they project themselves onto a male perspective, believing they should embody the innocent, pure image that men find attractive. This “conservative” mindset is something we need to break through.
Women should have the same right as men to enjoy the beauty of intimate relationships and to discuss related topics openly with others.
Scientific DIY has nothing to do with being promiscuous or shameless; it’s an expression of facing your own health and inner desires honestly. Don’t be ashamed of it; it’s a scientific method to better care for your body.
So women, it’s not a big deal.
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