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Return To ShopDeepening Intimacy: Fostering Connection and Comfort in Relationships
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“I always feel embarrassed because he’s always the one to take the initiative; I’ve never taken the initiative myself.”
“When he asked me to do it, I was initially reluctant and half-hearted.”
“I have to turn off the lights every time I do it, so I feel more at ease. I’m usually not willing to do it during the day, and even if I do, I close my eyes.”
“He often criticizes me, saying, ‘You never move an inch, you don’t cooperate with me at all.’ I’m really frustrated!”
…………
01
Long-term sexual repression
Many Chinese women have experienced feeling restricted in bed.
In our cultural context, when the word “sex” is mentioned, most people probably first think of negative terms like “shameless” and “unrestrained.”
In reality, most of us girls, when faced with the topic of “sex,” often want to ask but dare not, and often swallow our words back down.
After years of brainwashing by traditional culture, many women develop a very negative view that sex is dirty and vulgar.
If people don’t agree with the idea, they won’t cooperate in their actions.
Many women experience involuntary stiffness in their bodies when they have sex with their partners. They don’t know what to do with their hands, they don’t moan, and they have a hard time achieving orgasm.
From a psychosexual perspective, this is an invisible form of self- imposed constraint and a manifestation of self-limitation of “sexual charm ,” which seriously affects people’s ability to fully express their desires and demands during sexual intercourse.
We’ve become accustomed to being passive, passively waiting for love to come, passively waiting for the other person to bring us happiness. When the outcome is less than satisfactory, we tell ourselves that going with the flow is the highest state of life.
They also became accustomed to repression, suppressing their desires and giving up their passion and attraction in life.
Gradually, we lose our sexual appeal.
02
The harms of asexuality go far beyond repression.
People who are not physiologically satisfied are more likely to evolve from victims in sexual relationships to victims in interpersonal relationships.
From initial physical unhappiness to emotional unhappiness, she became a lifeless woman.
My colleague Xiaoji is a girl who loves to laugh.
After the New Year, she will have been married for six years. She has a daughter and a handsome husband. The family of three looks very loving to outsiders. She is always smiling and has a happy look on her face, which is the envy of others.
If we hadn’t seen her pathology report, we wouldn’t have believed that this girl had been suffering from moderate depression for over a year.
Only after being pressed did she admit that it was true.
When pressed further, she said, “We’ve been married for so many years, and with the birth of our child, the pressure is immense. On average, we don’t even have sex 20 times a year.”
I find it very surprising that two young bodies, sleeping together every day, could have sex so infrequently. It’s really hard to understand.
She smiled wryly: “Don’t let my seemingly happy appearance fool you, it’s all an act for others. When it’s just the two of us, we start arguing after only a few words.”
“He disliked that I didn’t know how to dress up, that I always went out without makeup, and that I would rush to the kitchen as soon as I got off work. He was never proactive in bed.”
“I know he’s tired from work, and he tries his best to hold back when he needs something, because he’s afraid of disturbing the children sleeping in the next room.”
“So, as time went on, we ended up like roommates, and the number of times we did it decreased year by year.”
She had tried to arouse her husband’s desire, but after tossing and turning, she couldn’t get over her psychological barrier.
Whenever she needed him in the quiet of the night, she could only lie quietly beside him.
That feeling of grievance and helplessness made her contemplate having an affair, getting a divorce, and even having suicidal thoughts every time…
Later I discovered that I had mild depression.
If your sex life is disharmonious, even the best acting skills will eventually betray you. Your eyes, your body, and your behavior will unconsciously betray your heart.
03
Long-term sexual repression
The old saying goes, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” but that doesn’t apply to married women anymore! These days , maintaining your sexual allure is key to winning a man’s heart.
American scholar Thomas Lacoul once said, “Sex is not just sex; it is a language, a bridge, a place from loneliness to intimacy, a crucible for building a sense of belonging.”
Without sexual communication, many small problems become big problems, and cracks gradually grow between them. The love and tenderness of the past gradually melt away in frequent arguments.
Conversely, if you observe “sexy” women in life , you’ll find that they are particularly proactive.
“Sexiness” is a person’s cultural temperament, physique, appearance, clothing, or actions that evoke a sense of “sensual beauty” in others. “Sexiness” means having an affinity for the opposite sex and even inspiring romantic feelings.
Another meaning of being proactive is being able to rationally release one’s desires and aggression.
They don’t suppress their feelings, which are innate. They act according to these feelings, and naturally possess a certain charm.
A passive, unresponsive person will find it difficult to be “sexy.” Even if others send them flirtatious signals, they will not be able to respond naturally, let alone initiate flirting themselves.
Life is short, so be sexy!
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