Can Love and Physical Intimacy Be Separated? Psychological Insights

Although this is an analytical piece, there are no spoilers. I tried to write it in a new way that “those who have read it will know what I’m talking about, and those who haven’t read it won’t be surprised.” You can read it with peace of mind.

After watching the movie “Love Kills”, I felt a sense of shock, as if I had watched “Your Child Is Not Your Child” and “The Distance Between Us and Evil” at the same time.

While watching, I kept thinking about this question: Does having sexual desire for someone mean you love them? The concept of sexual arousal not being synchronized—”the body is honest”—is something I’m sure everyone has heard, often used to describe when you say no, but your body desires someone. Past psychological research shows that sex and love are, to some extent, not synchronized. In other words, you might have a strong physical desire for someone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you love them.

If you find this difficult to understand or challenging to your values, let’s put it another way, and you’ll understand it better.

Imagine your libido as appetite. An example I often use with high school students is: “Do you all eat bucket meals every day at noon? Do you like the bucket meals provided by school? (A chorus of groans, everyone says they don’t like them) So, are you hungry around 11:50 am every day? (Yes~) When you’re hungry, it means you really love bucket meals, you absolutely love them, right? (Uh…) And when you feel full and satisfied after eating a bucket meal, it means you really love bucket meals, right?”

Usually, after I finish saying this, the students will laugh and joke, and suddenly understand that sex and love should be discussed separately. Just like being hungry and wanting to eat something doesn’t mean you “love” that thing.

Can science really explain love and sexual desire?

That was my original thought, but after watching the film today, I have a different feeling.

I recently did some serious reading about the aforementioned separation of sex and love. This is actually based on experiments conducted using the scientific “empiricism” perspective. This perspective assumes that “there is a single, unique truth in the world,” and the goal of psychological researchers is to understand or approach this truth. In other words, experimental data shows that there is a 50% overlap between sex and love for men and only 10% for women. This “proves” that when you feel desire for someone, there’s a 50% to 90% chance that you only want to have sex with them, not that you love them.

With this preconceived notion (a phenomenological term, you can think of it as a prejudice), I felt extremely uneasy from the very beginning and couldn’t sit still at all. The protagonist, Xiao Feng, kept saying, “The body is honest, don’t deny that you love me,” and I kept shouting in my heart, “Stop fantasizing! It’s desire that’s honest with you, not love, okay?! Study more before you come out to act!” I watched the whole movie with this feeling in mind—only after leaving the theater did I realize that something seemed off.

Fortunately, I’ve been studying recently, so I’ve discovered that when we study the human mind, “positivism” (which is assuming scientific data to be true) is not the only way to think about the world, especially when it comes to love, which has many more complex elements.

Can sex and love really be separated?

I took a step back and realized that the experiment I discussed earlier used heterosexual men and women as samples, but the characters in this film are of diverse genders. Recent research shows _[2] that, compared to male homosexuals, female homosexuals seem to find it harder to separate sex and love and are more attached to each other. So, back to the initial question, can sex and love really be separated?

However, due to the diverse character settings in the plot, this film is more difficult to categorize into simple categories such as “heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual”. When so many complex elements are mixed in the relationship, can we really use the point of view of “scientific evidence” to understand the entanglement of desire between the main characters in the film?

Suddenly, I felt unsure… I needed a different perspective on the world, so I switched to another pair of glasses. Another way to understand the human mind is constructivism: knowledge of the world is something we construct from each other. Everyone sees the world differently, and we can only build a shared image of the world through each other’s constructions; there is no true, absolute truth.

From this perspective, perhaps for some people sex and love can be separated, but for others sex and love cannot be separated, and there are even more complex combinations. When the mainstream discourse is saying “I mean yes when I say yes, and I mean no when I say no,” is there a group of people who are saying no with a sense of guilt and resistance, but their true inner voice is: I really want it.

This isn’t to say that we can justify raping others (saying no but doing the opposite), but rather that we must carefully examine every word we utter, as sometimes they don’t fully express our true meaning.

For example, saying, “You know what? I don’t care about you at all!” Do you think the person who said this cares about the other person?
“Go away! Don’t come back!” Do you think the person who said this wants the other person to leave or stay?
“Don’t worry, I’ll forget you!” Did he really want to forget, or did he simply not want to forget?

Verbal betrayal is a form of self-protection. Of course, in relationships, we hope our words and actions are consistent and that it’s okay to speak frankly.

However, sometimes we unknowingly engage in self-deceptive behaviors or use deceptive language. These examples demonstrate how language can betray our conscience, and in such situations, we must pay even closer attention to the sounds our bodies make.

Such betrayal is sometimes a form of self-protection, protecting those deeper things that one doesn’t want to be hurt. For example, you might be afraid that if you honestly show your true self, you might be trampled on or hurt.

What kind of people would use this “indirect” way to express their love? Perhaps they are people who have experienced some trauma in the past, perhaps they have been “denied” since childhood, or perhaps they have endured a lot of “negative words” during their growth. So they gain a certain “familiar feeling” from this negativity, and being able to honestly express their desires becomes a kind of fear.

Perhaps, at some point in our lives, each of us has been dishonest, dishonest with our desires and bodies. When you vehemently deny something, the body becomes the outlet for your soul. It understands your desires and your disappointments, and sometimes, it will remind you through bleeding, illness, pain, and various other means: Hey! It’s time to face the truly important issues in your life. Reinterpreting the film’s subtitle, “The Body Is Honest,” from this perspective, I suddenly realized how arrogant I had been at the beginning. Perhaps the film’s true message isn’t that “desire equals love,” but rather that sometimes those vague and unclear things, shackled by morality and constraints, can be seen clearly through the “body.”

When self-loathing becomes the gateway to hell

For example, you hate yourself (this is the first level of hating), but you also hate that you hate yourself (the second level of hating, raise your hand if you don’t understand this sentence). Under this complex emotional combination, you start to pick up a knife and cut your wrists. Then, from “feeling the pain” and from the pity of others, you also feel your own importance.

Then afterwards you start to really hate yourself for using this method to seek attention from others (the third level of hate). Even so, the next time your body will still “honestly” use this method to get some kind of addiction again – you hate yourself for repeatedly using this method to quench your thirst (the fourth level of hate, has anyone ever reached this point?).

This isn’t an encouragement to cut your hand, but rather a call to stop and reflect on something—when love in a relationship is mixed with more anger, jealousy, or even mutual harm, it’s no longer something that can be simply explained by desire or love. More often than not, it’s a combination of past experiences. In other words, in the bed you’re lying in with him, there’s someone else lying there. This “someone else” could be a classmate or family member who verbally bullied you, someone who hurt you in the past, or someone who has already left your life but still casts a large shadow on it.

This film attempts to depict many of the different aspects I mentioned above in a very suspenseful way. Because it is rated R, I cannot recommend it to everyone. However, because it is R-rated, I would suggest watching it with a companion, otherwise watching it alone might be quite terrifying, a terror that could push you into a kind of hell. Nevertheless, within such intense emotions, there are still many themes worth pondering.

For example: If a person has never been loved well, is it possible for them to love others well? If a person is frequently abandoned, is it possible for them to find themselves again? If your faith makes you feel like you are always sinning, is it possible for you to become your own salvation?

Honestly, I think this is a very exciting and tightly paced film. By the end, I started to think about something: some hatred and jealousy, on the surface, are about wanting to kill someone, but in reality, what you really want to kill is yourself.

But that part of me that wanted to die, in a certain dimension of time and space, also longed to be loved and to live a good life.

If we are all born with sin, then there are certain hells we must personally experience. However, experiencing hell doesn’t mean we are hell itself; looking like a monster doesn’t mean the monster is us.

When we pass through those karmic fires, those scorching flames, and those life-or-death moments, you will find that there are still some things you want to hold onto, some people you want to cherish, and some things you don’t want to let go of.

You still want a home, a real home. From now on, you’re not just pursuing love, but also a home—a home where someone can love you properly and treat you like a normal person.

Past traumas are like a sharp blade, and what they truly want to cut are those indelible childhood memories. I often feel that even in darkness, there is hope. This film can take you to a very deep hell, and when you leave the theater, holding the hand of your loved one, you will find that on the other side of hell, there is light.

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Can Love and Physical Intimacy Be Separated? Psychological Insights