Can Better Sex Life Save Intimate Relationships?

Sexual dysfunction.

Many cases of sexual dysfunction have psychological factors and are better addressed through individual counseling rather than couples counseling. While sexual dysfunction can certainly damage a relationship, it is rarely “fatal” in most cases. After all, with careful exploration, there are many ways to satisfy one’s partner.

But why do we often hear examples from friends and family of couples breaking up because of “incompatible sex lives”?

Compared to something as tangible as sex, the real reasons mentioned earlier—trust, communication, projection, power struggles—are somewhat “abstract” to ordinary people. Without sufficient reflection and awareness, they are usually difficult to resolve, or even go unnoticed. Sex here is merely a scapegoat, bearing the blame for these psychological reasons.

Another reason is that breaking up due to “incompatibility in sexual life” is a plausible reason, enough to shut up many people who advise reconciliation rather than separation.

If you say you want to break up because your partner doesn’t understand you, they might suggest, “Then you should communicate better.” If you say it’s because you don’t trust them, they might ask why you don’t trust them and try to dispel your doubts. If you say it’s because they’re not considerate enough, they might think you’re being dramatic. But if you say “our sex life isn’t harmonious,” they’ll most likely say, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about that.”

Gender differences.

When people in their twenties and thirties are dating, most men value sex more, while most women value emotions more. So if a woman meets a man who values sex, she will be more willing to sacrifice and dedicate herself to sex, which can sometimes make the relationship more inseparable.

However, a relationship that is difficult to part with is not necessarily a relationship that makes both parties feel good. In the long run, this kind of “serving” often only delays the deterioration of the intimate relationship rather than making it better.

When men intentionally try to improve the quality of their sex life in an attempt to salvage a relationship—like Wu Yousi in the TV series “Palace of Desire”—the result is often counterproductive. Many women have no interest in having sex with someone they don’t like, so how could they possibly be interested in improving the quality of their sex life?

Age differences.

The importance of sex in people’s lives varies with age. A healthy college student might have a new sexual fantasy every minute during a boring political education class. But as they gain experience and their lives become richer, the importance of sex gradually decreases. (Except for sex addiction.)

Some couples get together in their youth for simple reasons: you’re handsome and I’m beautiful, you have a hot body and I’m muscular, they click instantly and have a blissful life. But as they age, personality differences gradually surface, and pressures from work, parenting, and interpersonal relationships follow, leading to conflicts. Do they need to regain their youth and sex appeal to salvage their relationship? —Even if they do, it’s unlikely.

Their battlefield has expanded, and what they need is to re-form alliances on this new battlefield to jointly address the various difficulties of life.

Split.

I think an important secret to a fulfilling sex life (of course, not necessarily a good intimate relationship) is not to treat sex as a tool, including not to use it as a tool to save an intimate relationship.

Men are somewhat more natural in this regard; many men pursue sex simply for the sake of sex itself. Women are different. If women could have as much sex as their sexual desire, many men would likely be sexually frustrated most of the time. However, in a patriarchal society, men are expected to have as much sex as their sexual desire, so for many women, a significant amount of sex is actually for financial security or to obtain other things.

If men desire more fulfilling sex lives, the most fundamental solution is to build a society with robust social safeguards that make women’s lives easier. In the process of striving for such a better society, men’s own sexual desires will also be “sublimated,” becoming less intensely pleasurable.

Of course, reality is not like that. Many men subconsciously choose to watch society turn into a jungle, while accumulating as many resources as possible for survival. If they are successful, they will keep a celebrity as a mistress; if they are poor, they will patronize a mentally challenged woman for ten dollars. As long as there are women poorer than themselves, they can obtain sex through resource exchange.

What is an intimate relationship? They are neither curious nor concerned.

If the tragedy of many women lies in their objectification, the tragedy of many men lies in their early objectification, becoming driven by desire but devoid of emotion.

When the human body is objectified, an internal division occurs. Often, the person involved is unaware of this division. Some people (regardless of gender) can easily engage in passionate sex with a stranger, yet instinctively feel disgusted and uncomfortable when they accidentally touch someone’s arm. For them, a moment of sexual bliss is probably not an orgasm, but simply holding hands with someone naturally.

Sex is more than just sex

Even if sex is only for oneself, there are many times when sex is more than just sex. For men, sex can relieve anxiety, release aggression, vent anger, and regain self-esteem and confidence; for women, sex can alleviate loneliness and emptiness, and provide a temporary sense of security, value, and the illusion of being loved—of course, anxiety increases, with worries about contracting diseases, getting pregnant, or gynecological inflammation caused by smegma.

Sometimes men use sex to feel like men and to fully dominate women; women, on the other hand, use sex to feel free, free from control and restraint, and to feel they can give their *to whomever they want.

—Imagine a man and a woman in a bed together; it’s quite a bizarre scene.

For these reasons, sometimes improving one’s sex life can create the illusion that the relationship has improved: the man feels less anxious and more in control and confident; the woman feels less lonely and more secure—both seem to be in better shape. But an illusion is just that—an illusion. It may take a few months, or it may disappear as quickly as after a few cigarettes.

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Can Better Sex Life Save Intimate Relationships?