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Return To ShopBoth men and women can become victims of emotional manipulation.
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Greg (pseudonym) is a 28-year-old Canadian lawyer who, despite his young age, has already had 11 serious relationships, all of which ended due to his infidelity.
On the surface, Greg may seem like an unfaithful man, but the actual situation is far more complex and serious.
During therapy, Greg realized that he was actually a gaslighter.
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He said he used manipulation, deception, and control to make the other party believe that they were being too suspicious, thereby doubting their own judgment and losing their ability to judge reality.
Gaslighting definition
This technique of gaslighting is described as a form of psychological abuse. The manipulator deliberately deceives the victim with false information, causing the victim to doubt their memory and judgment.
When Greg was 21, he started dating Paula, who was four years older than him. He described their relationship as “romantic but unstable.”
Soon, Greg cheated on Paula with someone else. Although Greg was the unfaithful one, he deliberately used derogatory language towards Paula to make her lose confidence in herself in order to cover up his mistake.
Greg told Paula that she was too “paranoid,” “crazy,” and “too dramatic.”
Paula was a very intelligent woman, and she quickly realized that Greg was having sexual relations with other women behind her back. However, Greg deliberately used various techniques and deceptions every day to make Paula believe that she was being too suspicious.
Greg was adept at this tactic. Soon, Paula began to doubt her own judgment and even started apologizing for suspecting Greg.
But in the internet age, even the most cunning con artists leave traces. To prevent Paula from discovering any signs of his infidelity online, Greg first accused Paula of being a “social media addict,” and then used derogatory language to tell her that she was crazy and paranoid.
Gradually, Paula began to believe him and vowed to spend less time on social media.
Psychologist Simon offers another explanation of emotional manipulation: “If you know in your heart that your interpretation of the situation is correct, but the other person tries to make you believe that you are completely wrong, and this continues for a period of time, it can affect a person’s judgment of reality. Emotional manipulation also has levels, from lying to exaggeration, and then to control and domination.”
Greg’s performance was absolutely gaslighting.
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Smear
Another tactic Greg used was to smear other women, such as some of Paula’s female friends and acquaintances, and even women Paula knew who had sexual relations with him.
Greg first persuaded Paula not to trust these women, because he knew they knew his secrets, and if Paula trusted them, Greg would be exposed.
At the same time, he did everything he could to keep Paula away from people who might tell her the truth. He even made her dislike them from the start. Greg described them as “worthless,” even though that might not actually be true at all.
After that, Greg had a series of relationships, still using gaslighting techniques.
Characteristics of the victims
If you think that victims of emotional manipulation are gullible and ignorant fools, you are sorely mistaken.
Both men and women can become victims of emotional manipulation. But generally speaking, people who are easily manipulated share these personality traits: they are conscientious, have a conscience, and trust others because they believe themselves to be trustworthy.
Another characteristic is that he is quite easygoing. Based on Greg’s own experience, his girlfriends were all successful and intelligent. Among them were doctors, engineers, and others.
Greg says that for emotional manipulation to work, it requires using control and coercion to distance the victim from their support network and deprive them of their independence.
People with a tendency to manipulate emotions may have been taught these behaviors by their childhood experiences; another possibility is that they are narcissists who only believe in themselves and have a high opinion of themselves.
Greg said he has a writer friend who has the same trait; the two are both eloquent and persuasive, one a lawyer and the other a writer.
In response, one piece of advice he gave to female victims was to talk to a male friend if they encountered such a situation, because women always say what the other wants to hear.
Women are more likely to accept what their male friends say frankly.
Psychologist Simon says that if painful childhood experiences taught them to manipulate other people’s emotions, there might still be hope. This is because such people use this method to cope with various difficulties and hardships in life.
However, if the person is narcissistic, it is unlikely that they will make a complete change, or even impossible.
Perhaps you’ll be wiser the next time you encounter someone or something like this.
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