Between men and women, which comes first, sex or feelings?

Let me start by telling you a woman’s story.

Once, I received an email from a woman. She asked me if being proactive in her relationships was a medical condition. She said she and her husband fell in love at first sight.

At an art exhibition, they glanced at each other by chance, and she instantly felt a jolt of electricity. At that moment, I felt weak all over, almost unsteady on my feet, my mind went blank, and I only had a strong urge to do something with him. We actually had sex after exchanging fewer than ten words.

Later, we got married. But, I don’t know when it started, he always said that I was too proactive, that most women weren’t like that, and wondered if there was something wrong with that. I felt misunderstood and insulted. In front of him, I was proactive, and not just verbally, but each time, he seemed reluctant. I know women should be reserved, but for some reason, seeing him made me feel a surge of emotion.

I replied to her, saying that this isn’t an illness. Both men and women have desires for love, and there’s no rule that only men can initiate and women can follow. Because men and women have different bodies, whether or not one takes the initiative varies from person to person, not determined by gender. If the other person doesn’t understand or misunderstands, one should actively explain their thoughts to clear up the misunderstanding. Don’t be evasive or secretive; this will only deepen the misunderstanding and create a deadlock. Most people believe that in relationships, for men, sex should come first, followed by love, or love should occur simultaneously— in short, sex is dominant.

For most women, love should come first, followed by sex, or sex should occur simultaneously with love. In short, love should be dominant, and everything else should be passively submitted to or satisfied by the man. Otherwise, the woman is considered to have a problem.

These two perceptions stem from analyses of male and female physiology, the idea that men’s attraction is quick and fleeting, while women’s is slow and lingering. However, this isn’t entirely true. Both men and women can be moved by someone they like. I’ve received many letters from women saying they are very proactive and always initiate the connection first, leaving their partners feeling uneasy. Some feelings between men and women are cultivated gradually. Others, however, are sudden and intense. The order in which feelings develop isn’t important; what matters is the presence of attraction. Otherwise, it’s purely an animalistic reaction.