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Return To ShopHow to Bridge the Emotional Gap: A 3-Step Method for Couples
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Keywords: My girlfriend said she wants to be surrounded by love.
Q : I don’t have any expectations for her because I believe she can do it on her own and I don’t expect her to achieve anything.
But she kept complaining that I couldn’t provide her with emotional support; for example, when she was in a bad mood, she said I didn’t comfort her. She said she wanted to be surrounded by love, which I thought was unrealistic.
First, there’s the issue of being in a long-distance relationship. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for over six months, and it’s very likely I won’t be able to visit her until the Chinese New Year. Being in a long-distance relationship means I can only offer verbal comfort and maybe send a gift; physical comfort is impossible, so it doesn’t provide the desired emotional support. Only if we stop being in a long-distance relationship can this situation be significantly improved.
Secondly, she said she wanted to be surrounded by love, but based on her past experiences, she also said that she was forgetful. Even if she felt very happy at the time, she would forget about it after a long time. This means that I need to continuously provide her with emotional value.
Now, every time we chat, she complains that I can’t provide her with emotional support, and I can’t find a good solution right now, so I can only maintain this situation.
Dear Ms. Leng Ai, what should I do?
A: It’s rare for guys to ask questions about love. We also welcome guys to ask questions. Love requires effort from both men and women. This guy’s question reflects a common desire among many girls: to be surrounded by love.
Many men feel confused when faced with this request from women. Therefore, we would like to use this story to offer some response and support in this situation.
First, the boy’s efforts for love.
Every girl deserves to be loved. Similarly, every boy needs to be nurtured in a relationship. Only when both conditions are met can a relationship last.
The fact that this male protagonist asked the question shows that he is willing to work hard for this relationship and is willing to love his girlfriend.
The male protagonist said, “I don’t have any demands on her because I believe I’m capable enough on my own. I don’t expect her to achieve anything.” He meant that he was content with his own hard work and didn’t need the woman to struggle. He was willing to shoulder the pressures of life. He was a responsible man.
However, the male lead needs to realize that it’s not enough for a man to just make money; he also needs to know how to be considerate and attentive to a woman’s emotions. Perhaps when a woman says she wants to be enveloped in love, she means she hopes the male lead will pay more attention to her, take the initiative to care for her, and understand her loneliness and sadness.
For example, many girls hope to hear their boyfriends say, “You will always hold a very important place in my heart. No matter how busy I am, I always think of you. I hope to create a better future for us. I can protect you and be your strong support.”
The male protagonist’s girlfriend may want to continuously hear these expressions of emotion. This is something the male protagonist needs to continuously learn and practice.
Our official account has previously published many articles about communication and emotions. The male protagonist can search for keywords on the official account and then browse and learn from them.
Especially when people are in different places, many expressions of emotion are greatly diminished because they cannot meet in person. Therefore, it is necessary to appropriately increase the frequency and intensity of emotional expression.
The male protagonist can observe and summarize his girlfriend’s happy moments on his own; he can also communicate honestly with the female protagonist and ask her to give specific examples of what things and words make her feel loved.
For example, the male protagonist could say to the female protagonist, “Honey, I really want to give you love and emotional support. Because we’re in a long-distance relationship and I’m very busy with work, I sometimes find it difficult to attend to your feelings. We can discuss your list of things you feel loved about, such as what I do or say that makes you feel loved.”
This way, I’ll be clearer about what I need to say and do. Because of my limited time and abilities, I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to do everything on the list, but I’ll try my best and strive to do better each time.
Second, the girl’s efforts for love.
At the same time, we also sincerely offer some advice to female readers who are similar to the male protagonist’s girlfriend.
Some men are inherently excellent, willing to learn how to love, and devoted, but women cannot place all their hopes for love on men, nor can they expect a man to be like a one-stop shopping mall that can satisfy all their needs.
Like the male protagonist in the story above, he faces the pressure of building a career and is willing to take on the responsibilities of marriage and future commitments in this relationship. However, men are inherently less emotionally capable than women and are at a disadvantage in expressing themselves. Even if they try very hard, they may not be able to fully meet a woman’s needs.
The male protagonist’s girlfriend said she wanted to be surrounded by love, something many guys find difficult to do. And how many girls can truly make themselves and their boyfriends feel loved?
I saw an interesting comment in the question: “She also said that she is forgetful, even if she feels very happy at the time, she will forget it after a long time.” This shows that this girl’s wonderful experiences need to be continuously created by others and external forces.
A person’s sense of self-worth does not come entirely from their partner; it also requires support and feedback from various sources, such as having good hobbies, close friends, and excellent teachers.
A person’s sense of self-worth comes from good intimate relationships, good interpersonal relationships, and, most importantly, from loving themselves well. Furthermore, the source of the quality of all a person’s relationships lies in self-love.
Therefore, we hope that girls facing similar dilemmas will start by loving themselves, so they won’t become completely dependent on one person in relationships. Moreover, the more dependent you are on others, the more passive you become.
Love is a two-way journey. If one party only lies back and only takes, the one who gives will eventually get tired, and the relationship will be difficult to sustain.
Love can only last and be beautiful when both parties love themselves well and accept, understand, support , and appreciate each other.
2
Keywords:It’s easy to have a cold war after an argument.
Q: Hello, Mr. Leng, I have benefited greatly from following your WeChat official account.
My questions are as follows: The woman is 28 years old, 163cm tall, has a bachelor’s degree, and works as a middle school teacher. The man is 25 years old, 170cm tall, has an associate’s degree, and works as a vocational high school admissions officer. They have been together for a year and a half, and he met the woman’s parents during the May Day holiday.
My boyfriend and I have been in a cold war for half a month now. He feels that being with me is tiring and depressing. I have too many needs and ask him for emotional support, hoping that he can spend more time with me and reply to my messages promptly.
My boyfriend is currently at a crucial stage in his career and is under a lot of pressure (such as preparing for our wedding). Whenever he is under a lot of pressure or in a bad mood, we are very likely to argue and then have a cold war.
His sister said he felt a bit inferior when he was with me and wanted to compensate for it through financial means. Meanwhile, during our time together, he mentioned several times that he couldn’t win arguments with me, and that I was always right, so he didn’t know how to communicate with me.
Question: Is it necessary to continue our current relationship? If so, how can we change it? Thank you.
A: This story perfectly echoes our first question today. The two stories are like two sides of the same coin, one a male version and the other a female version. Our answer to the first question also applies to this one.
Let’s take this story as an example and elaborate further: How can we create a love that is mutually reciprocated?
First, clarify each other’s needs.
The so-called mutual journey refers not only to the physical meeting and being together of two people, but also to the psychological journey of two people entering each other’s hearts and being together.
For two hearts to be together, meeting each other’s needs is key.
Therefore, it is very important to express your own needs, understand the other person’s needs, and then try your best to meet each other’s needs. Of course, this is on the premise that these needs are reasonable and legal.
In the chat history between the female protagonist and her boyfriend, I saw a very good point: both of them expressed their needs.
For example, the male protagonist makes a request to the female protagonist: “You just need to be gentle and not so assertive. Actually, neither of us likes assertive people.”
The female lead also clearly stated some of her needs, such as: “If you don’t know how to communicate in the future, just give me a code… You were very smart last time, you ordered some fruit and I knew it.”
The female protagonist clearly expressed her needs, which is good, but not enough. I will now explain how to do it better.
Second, meet each other’s needs.
The female protagonist’s request is that the male protagonist shouldn’t give her the silent treatment after an argument, while the male protagonist’s request is that the female protagonist shouldn’t be so domineering. In fact, these two things are mutually causal.
It is precisely because the boy feels that the girl is very assertive that he can only deal with her assertiveness by giving her the silent treatment. Just like the female protagonist said in her question, “He mentioned several times that he couldn’t argue with me, and that I was always right, so he didn’t know how to communicate with me.”
A boy’s silent treatment is because he has nothing to say in response.
Therefore, the one who tied the knot must untie it.
The meaning of mutual approach is: you take a step closer to me, and I take a step closer to you.
However, while the female protagonist hoped that the male protagonist would meet her needs, she did not meet his needs herself. For example, she invited her boyfriend to make changes, but she did not promise to make changes herself.
The fact that the female lead extended this invitation is excellent. Many people wouldn’t extend such an invitation.
However, when her boyfriend explicitly invited her to be less assertive, she ignored him. Instead, she tried to justify herself by saying, “I got angry because you were giving me the silent treatment… so I blocked you, ignored you, and called you to force you to make a decision.”
The girl’s deeper thought is, “I will not change, but you must change.”
Many couples experiencing relationship problems have this unreasonable expectation that “I won’t change, but you have to change.” But in reality, in relationships, whoever suffers changes, and whoever changes benefits.
The best state in a relationship is when both parties are willing to change themselves to make it better. But change must begin with oneself. Because there are three things in the world: God’s business, other people’s business, and one’s own business. All we can do is manage our own business.
Therefore, the female lead needs to change her assertive nature first. Otherwise, even if she breaks up with her boyfriend and finds a new one, the new boyfriend will likely still engage in a cold war.
Third, a list of code words for resolving conflicts.
Many emotional bonds are broken down by repeated conflicts. When conflicts arise, if both parties are willing to give each other a way out and exchange subtle signals, it can help resolve the conflict.
Both partners can agree on and compile a list of secret codes for resolving conflicts.
1) Code words for actions.
For example, the female lead said, “If you don’t know how to communicate in the future, just give me a code… order some fruit, and I’ll know.” That’s great.
Besides ordering fruit, you can also order other takeout, send a red envelope, give a hug, and so on.
2) Linguistic codes.
For example, expressing understanding and acceptance of the other person: “Honey, I understand why you’re angry…”
According to research by marriage guru John Gottman, the key to effectively resolving all conflicts is the same: reassure your partner that you are generally accepting of their personality. Because if a partner feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected, it’s impossible to handle relationship problems effectively.
Therefore, expressing understanding and acceptance is not just a code word, but also a key principle in managing relationships. When a person feels understood and accepted, they are more motivated to move forward in the relationship.
The above three points are a response to this story.
I wish the female lead and everyone else a beautiful, mutually fulfilling relationship.
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