Essential Course in Dating: Understanding the Emotional Relationship Between Men and Women

This article will guide you through understanding male-female relationships by exploring six forms of love, gender differences, the formula for love, the dimensions of love, love at different age stages, and the four elements of love. It contains 5150 words and will take approximately 10-15 minutes to read. Most people haven’t learned how to date, often resulting in three main outcomes: First, being a lifelong single, unable to date, and never having started a relationship; second, being single despite past relationships, gaining very little experience from failed ones; and third, marrying without ever having dated and later divorcing – all results of a lack of understanding of relationships. These three situations are common in traditional Chinese gender relations, and many people may be reluctant to discuss this topic. However, we desperately need to learn about this. If I had learned some relevant knowledge earlier, perhaps I wouldn’t have embarked on a doomed relationship. Whether you’ve started dating or not, I hope you can gain some inspiration from this article. Because failed relationships are far too common in real life, if this continues, the person we eventually marry is very likely to have had many ex-partners, which is regrettable and requires reflection. Now I will begin, taking you into the world of love and showing you how to obtain perfect love. First, let’s look at: The outline of love: Six forms of love: First: Passionate love Second: Playful love Third: Friendship love Fourth: Dependent love Fifth: Altruistic love Sixth: Realistic love First: Passionate love is a style of love that highly values sensual enjoyment and the external form of interaction between the sexes. What we often call “love at first sight” generally belongs to this type of love. In the eyes of people with other types of love, it is unrealistic. Its advantages are: tender feelings and easy interaction. Its disadvantage is: attraction inevitably fades. This type of relationship is very common, and most people’s first love belongs to this type. Second: Playful love. The attitude in this type of relationship is very casual. There is no commitment, only the satisfaction of one’s own desires and needs. There is no sense of responsibility or morality towards the other person. They see marriage as a constraint and are prone to infidelity. Most people who want to have this kind of relationship do not want to get married. If you find that someone you like says they do not want to get married, you should be cautious. Shakespeare said, “All love that is not intended for marriage is immoral.” Mao Zedong also quoted this saying when addressing the marriage issues of young men and women. The third type: Friendship love. This is the opposite of playful love. People who tend towards friendship love downplay strong passions and strive to find true feelings between two people. They often believe it’s just a pure friendship, unaware that friendship has evolved into love. The most common examples are childhood friends of the opposite sex or long-term classmates of the opposite sex. The fourth type: Dependent love. This involves very high expectations of the relationship, demanding a lot from each other, often experiencing anxiety and jealousy, and exhibiting strong possessiveness. Usually, one party is more selfish. The fifth type: Altruistic love. The opposite of dependent love. Lovers possess a spirit of self-sacrifice, have immense tolerance for their loved ones, and are willing to dedicate themselves to love. If they break up, they patiently wait for the other to change their mind, willingly giving unconditional love. Such people who are unwavering in their love are rare. The sixth type: Realistic love. This is very rational and practical. They analyze their expectations of a romantic partner, compare several potential partners, identify each person’s value, choose a satisfactory lover, and establish shared goals in their relationship. They are very pragmatic and won’t easily fall into a relationship. These six types of love are not mutually exclusive; each has a possessive element to varying degrees, just in a certain form. After understanding these six types of relationships, can you identify with one of them? If someone with altruistic love falls in love with someone with a playful approach to love, what will happen? The result will be feeling “deceived.” In reality, it’s just that you had different views on love from the beginning. Feeling “deceived” is inevitable; you just haven’t fully realized it. Every relationship is driven by individual thought. It’s impossible to be without thought, because we are human, higher animals. Does this mean there’s no good love? Of course not. If love were hopeless, human reproduction would end, and the human species would face extinction. Love Outline Two: The Formula of Love. Perfect Love = Intimacy + Passion + Commitment. When a couple lacks any one of these elements, love disappears. There’s nothing between two people except intimacy; they won’t stay together for life. This is called “liking-type love.” There’s only passionate experience between two people, with no future. This is called “infatuation-type love.” There’s only promise between two people, purely for marriage, just living together. This is called “empty love.” There’s only intimacy and passion between two people, no promises, no concern for the future. This is called “romantic love.” Is it still love if there’s only intimacy and recognition, lacking passion? Unless you’re old. This is called “companionship-type love.” There’s only passion and promise between two people, no intimacy, just physical attraction; promises are just empty promises. This is called “foolish love.” True love, called perfect love, requires all three. Many people say they want a romantic love, but that’s not the most perfect love. Besides perfect love, other kinds of love aren’t good relationships. If you want perfect love, remember the formula: Perfect Love = Intimacy + Passion + Promise. If you want to maintain a good relationship, you must also maintain this equation carefully. Once it changes, the love changes too. Love Outline Three: The Four Elements of Love Love is typically composed of four elements: First, sexual desire, which is the physiological and natural prerequisite for love; second, emotion, which is the core of love, manifested as a strong feeling of the soul and body becoming one; third, ideals, which is the social foundation of love and its rational guide; and fourth, obligation, which is the social basis of love. Love is composed of these four basic elements: sexual desire, emotion, ideals, and obligation. None of these four elements can be missing; otherwise, love will be distorted, and different interpretations of love will lead to incompatible values. In addition, there are characteristics such as equality, exclusivity, dependence, and autonomy. Equality: This is a relationship of mutual pursuit, mutual admiration, mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual care, rather than dependence or possession. A good formula to understand this is the multiplication method: if one person contributes 1 point and the other contributes 0 points, then the result of love is 1*0=0 points; if both contribute 0.5 points each, then the result is 0.5*0.5=0.25 points. Therefore, love requires the joint effort of both parties. The more both parties contribute, the more stable and beautiful the love will be. Exclusivity: This is easy to understand; it means being devoted to only one person. Exclusivity has an exclusive characteristic and should be approached with a serious and cautious attitude. Dependence: When in love, missing your partner when they are not around and feeling your life is incomplete is a mutual attachment in the relationship. Autonomy: Your life is yours to decide. Some people need their parents’ approval, and some even turn their relationships into a struggle against their parents because of parental disapproval, thus forming a united front with their partner against their parents. This is wrong. At this time, you should be getting to know your partner, not fighting with your parents. When you are fighting with your parents, you cannot understand your partner and will develop a rebellious mentality. The more your parents disagree, the more determined you become, insisting on getting married, only to end in divorce, fulfilling your parents’ wishes—this is unfortunate. There is also the opposite situation: you haven’t fully understood your partner, but your parents agree and arrange the marriage themselves, rushing things and leading to divorce. Autonomy is reflected in the fact that the decision-making power must be entirely in one’s own hands, and any dissatisfaction or behavior of others can only be taken as a reference. Love Outline Four: Love at Different Ages Love in youth is characterized by: playfulness, bickering, and capriciousness. Love in middle age is characterized by: stability, understanding, tolerance, and warmth. Love in old age is characterized by: simplicity, tranquility, and peaceful years. Because the physiological and psychological characteristics of different age groups are different, they have a significant impact on love. Some people say there’s no need to rush into dating, but actually, once you’ve passed youth, due to changes in physiological characteristics, you won’t be in a rush anymore, and you’ll naturally become more stable. For boys aged 20-24 and for women aged 20, this is the period of emerging adulthood. Physical development, internal organ function, and nervous system are all fully developed, and physiological characteristics reach their peak, but psychological development lags behind physiological development, remaining in a developmental stage. At this time, emotions become increasingly rich but unstable, prone to impulsiveness, with strong adaptability, awakening sexual awareness, and increased emotional desires. At this time, the choice of a lover tends to be based on similarities, such as: attitude, personality, educational background, intelligence, height, and physique. Of course, they are complementary opposite sexes, but research shows that the more similar they are, the more satisfying and likely to last the relationship. Young women value men’s intelligence, ambition, economic status, and character, while men value women’s physical attractiveness and family management skills. Furthermore, men tend to prefer younger women, while women prefer slightly older or peers. Characteristics of romantic relationships include: romance, impulsiveness, recklessness, and autonomy. Young people often don’t understand what love is. Someone asked God, “What’s the difference between liking and loving?” God pointed to a child standing before a flower, captivated by its beauty, and impulsively picked it. God said, “That’s liking.” Then God pointed to another boy, sweating profusely as he watered the flower, shielding it from the scorching sun. God said, “That’s love.” Liking is a fleeting infatuation, love is something you can’t force; liking is wanting to be close, love is being inseparable; liking is a short-lived affair, love is from first flutter of the heart to old age; liking is wanting to share happiness, love is willingly sharing pain; liking is liking your strengths, love is being willing to accept your weaknesses; liking is treating you well in their way, love is treating you well in the way you like; liking is sometimes an emotion, while love is an intimate relationship. Middle Age: For loving couples, the most important thing is not happiness, but a stable relationship. If you want a more stable relationship… Physiological decline begins. After age 30, bodily functions begin to decline, by about 0.8% per year. External changes include an average annual decrease in metabolism of 0.5%, making it easier to gain weight, thinning hair, and rough skin. The brain and internal organs gradually degenerate. Sexual changes: Couples entering middle age will experience changes in their bodies, lifestyles, and libido. Men’s libido begins to decline after age 35, with a significant decrease in interest in and frequency of sexual activity. Women, on the other hand, typically experience a period of uncertainty followed by maturation and increased proactivity, culminating in menopause and a significant decline in interest in sex. Menopause typically lasts 8-12 years for women aged 45-55. During this stage, secondary sexual characteristics gradually decline, and reproductive organs slowly atrophy, manifesting as “menopausal syndrome.” Male menopause marks the beginning of sexual organ atrophy, a period of decline in sexual function from its peak. During this stage, middle-aged men experience changes in mental state and mood, are prone to fatigue, and experience reduced sexual function. Psychological maturation is also a key aspect of this process: introspection becomes more pronounced, psychological defense mechanisms mature, interpersonal skills improve, intelligence continues to rise, willpower strengthens, and gender roles become more integrated. The beginning of feminization in men and masculinization in women is considered a “perfect personality.” Characteristics of romantic psychology: Love becomes a part of life, mutual understanding and consideration, constantly updating life’s content, stimulating love, love and procreation intertwine, midlife crisis begins around age 44, old age: companionship is the longest-lasting love, but this is omitted for the elderly. Why discuss love at different age stages? Because you can’t have the kind of relationship you had in your 20s when you’re in your 30s, partly due to physiological reasons. Five aspects of love’s outline: Measuring the Dimensions of Love: Understanding: Mutual understanding of each other’s experiences, hobbies, and emotions, without sharing these with others. Care: Caring for each other, feeling loved from one another. Interdependence: Mutual influence and dependence on each other’s behavior. Mutual Consistency: The development process from him/her to us. Trust: Mutual trust, kindness, and respect. Loyalty: Loyalty to each other, willing to invest time, money, and resources. Six aspects of love’s outline: Gender Differences: The core of love is giving, care, responsibility, respect, and understanding. However, due to differences in brain structure, men and women develop completely different ways of thinking. The title of the book, “Men Are from Venus, Women Are from Mars,” suggests that men and women are fundamentally different beings. Here’s a brief overview of these differences: Women prefer interacting with people, while men prefer interacting with things. Women are more sensitive to color than men. Women express emotions when they speak, while men convey information, often perceived as verbose by men. Men and women don’t always understand each other’s needs. Men prefer solving problems, while women focus on feelings. Men become silent under pressure, while women become overwhelmed and prone to emotional outbursts. Men need a good feeling before communicating, while women need communication to develop a good feeling. Men: There are many reasons for wavering; Women: He’s wavering. Men like women who understand them, while women like men who love them. Men are decisive when breaking up but regret it afterward, while women regret breaking up but are decisive afterward. Men develop feelings for someone because of sex and enjoyment, while women develop sex because of love and dedicate themselves to someone because of love. Men kill others in despair, while women commit suicide in despair. Men are more rational, while women are more emotional. These differences between men and women are not limited to these. Men’s psychological needs in relationships: 1. To have their abilities affirmed 2. To have their talents appreciated 3. To have their efforts appreciated Women’s psychological needs in relationships: 1. To be frequently cared for 2. To be constantly affirmed 3.Respect for Ideas Above, I summarized love from six key aspects: time frame, age group, gender differences, the formula of love, the dimensions of love, and the requirements of love. I hope this has given you a new understanding of love. Finally, I’d like to ask a question: What is the difference between love and marriage? Let me share a story: One day, a young monk asked an old monk what love was. The old monk told him to go to the garden and pick the biggest and most beautiful flower, but he could only pick it once, and he could only walk forward, not backward. The young monk did as he was told, but he came up empty-handed. The old monk asked him why he couldn’t pick anything. The young monk said: “Because I could only pick it once, and I couldn’t go back. Even when I saw bigger and more beautiful flowers, I didn’t know if there were better ones ahead, so I didn’t pick them. When I continued walking, I found that none of them were as good as the ones I had seen before. I had already missed the biggest flower, so I didn’t pick anything.” The old monk said: “That is love.” Love is an ideal, something you can only encounter, not seek. In reality, it may not exist or is extremely rare. Many people don’t realize that everyone has their own ideal partner. Some people search their whole lives without finding one, remaining alone—this is the persistence of love. One day, a young monk asked an old monk what marriage was. The old monk told him to go among the trees and cut down the largest, most lush, and most suitable tree for his home. He could only cut once, and he could only move forward, not backward. The young monk did as instructed, and this time he brought back an ordinary tree, not particularly lush, but not too bad either. The old monk asked why he brought back an ordinary tree, not particularly lush, but not too bad either. He said, “Based on my previous experience, when I was halfway there and still empty-handed, I saw this tree wasn’t too bad, so I cut it down to avoid missing out and ending up with nothing.” The old monk said, “That’s marriage.” Many people, pressured by age, parental expectations, and societal expectations, marry someone who is “good enough,” not necessarily their ideal partner. Later, you might meet your ideal partner, only to find that they’re not so special after all. In truth, even beautiful things fade and wither. Love is an essential element of marriage. Love, sex, responsibility, economic conditions, and psychological compatibility are all essential elements of marriage, with love being the most important. A marriage without love is unhappy; it hasn’t developed or grown. Only marriages based on love are morally sound. In other words, only marriages that continue to maintain love are morally sound. Therefore, constantly maintaining, stimulating, and repairing each other’s love is an essential lesson in marriage. That’s about all for the outline of love. The next article will truly begin… Note: This article is a summary of “The Psychology of Love.”

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Essential Course in Dating: Understanding the Emotional Relationship Between Men and Women