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If sexology were a discipline, its first textbook should be called “Principles of Sexology,” and the first chapter of this textbook should explain what “sex” is, while the second chapter should provide a very intuitive introduction to the sexual organs and body structure of both men and women.
At the same time, it was included as a compulsory course during the student years.
When we talk about sex, we always ask: What techniques and positions can I use to have a more pleasurable sexual experience? How can I achieve orgasm? How can I last longer? How can two people cooperate to achieve greater harmony? These are all questions we often ask…
Human beings are naturally inclined to think this way and like to have practical solutions immediately available when faced with a problem. This is understandable. However, not all problems have standard answers; otherwise, life wouldn’t be so “bitter.” Everyone is different, and the complexity of human beings determines the diversity of their needs in terms of food, clothing, shelter, and sex, requiring specific analysis for each specific situation.
Recently, a young couple came to me. They hadn’t been able to have intercourse for six months after their marriage. Later, she went online and found some sex education courses. One chapter was about “Kegel exercises .” Those familiar with Kegel exercises know that it’s an exercise that improves pelvic floor muscle function, which can effectively improve vaginal laxity and postpartum urinary incontinence. It also has a surprising “side effect”: increased sexual sensitivity. Some women have been able to achieve orgasm after a period of Kegel exercise training.
The woman felt that this exercise was very practical and could improve sexual sensitivity, which would definitely help her in her inability to have intercourse. So she practiced it on her own. She was very persistent and persisted for 6 weeks. However, their intercourse problem was still not solved and her husband was still unable to penetrate her.
After talking to her, I felt quite sad. The reason they couldn’t have intercourse was something neither of them expected: they simply didn’t know where the penis should be inserted into the vagina. They didn’t know where the vagina was, and they were both too shy to look at each other’s genitals.
Every time we have sex, I’m flustered and can’t get in. I don’t know that I need to do some preparation to get my penis in, such as foreplay, lubricating the vagina, or using lubricant the first time.
She simply assumed and applied the “Kegel exercise” haphazardly, a method that was completely ineffective in addressing their sexual problems.
Why did such a blunder happen? It’s 2019, are there really still people who can’t find the entrance when they’re having sex?
Indeed, quite a few patients have been treated in the reproductive departments of many hospitals for infertility caused by unsuccessful intercourse.
A young woman went to the reproductive medicine department for an infertility checkup. The doctor asked her if she had ever had sexual intercourse, and she firmly said yes, that she was already married. So, the doctor performed a routine vaginal exam, and then she started bleeding. The woman was in excruciating pain, and the doctor was immediately shocked. It turned out that up until the examination, this woman was still a virgin; her hymen was intact. She believed that sexual intercourse meant sleeping together.
In reality, the young couple never consummated their marriage; that is, the husband’s penis never successfully penetrated the wife’s vagina and ejaculated normally.
Why do these incidents keep happening? The root cause is the lack of sex education . The first lesson in sex education should be a complete and clear understanding of our bodies, reproductive organs, and sexual organs. In ancient China, when a woman got married, her mother would put erotic pictures at the bottom of her dowry chest as a form of “marital sex education.” The ancients have already shown us that sex is something we must learn.
Not only the most basic sexual intercourse, but also the passionate sexual techniques that we are interested in must be based on an understanding of sexual organs.
Please take a look at the image below. This is a diagram of the female vulva. It clearly shows where the vagina and clitoris are, and that women have labia majora and labia minora. (However, most people outside the medical field will likely rarely see such an image.)
The clitoris is the only sexual organ that exists solely for pleasure. It’s not just the small protrusion shown in the picture; a complete clitoris is a bright red organ that normally surrounds the vagina. It has over 8,000 nerve endings, and almost all of a woman’s sexual pleasure originates from the clitoris—twice as much as the male penis. You can understand this as women experiencing orgasm twice as intensely as men, a privilege women can be very proud of.
The presence of the clitoris allows for pleasure when the vulva is touched, kneaded, or squeezed; this is the principle behind female masturbation and clitoral orgasm.
This is just a hand-drawn illustration, but if a woman saw her genitals in a mirror, she would likely feel uneasy: Why is it so dark? My labia are asymmetrical? The heroines in Japanese adult films don’t look like this!
In fact, it’s perfectly normal for a woman’s vulva to be relatively dark, which is a sign of mature sex hormones. After menopause, the vulva will turn grayish-white due to a sudden drop in estrogen. Therefore, the color of the vulva has no relation to sexual experience or sexual behavior, and certainly does not indicate that you are a sexually experienced woman (how many more misleading rumors about women are still circulating?!).
As for the pink and tender private parts we see in Japanese adult films, it’s not that they don’t exist, but they are extremely rare. Moreover, most of the actresses will “make up” their private parts for the sake of the filming effect, and some post-production work will also be done, purely to cater to the viewing preferences of men. It can be said that it is very misleading and causes unnecessary anxiety and distress to many men and women.
Asymmetry of the labia is even more normal. Just like our fingerprints, the shape of the vulva has no distinction between beauty and ugliness, only uniqueness, let alone symmetry.
When I first saw the asymmetry of my genitals in the mirror as a child, I panicked and thought I had some kind of strange disease. Every time I saw it, I felt more anxious and unhappy. It wasn’t until I realized this as an adult that I finally let go of it completely. I feel ashamed…
Once you understand the characteristics and principles of your own sexual organs, you’ll naturally learn some sexual techniques without a teacher. Those factors that used to cause you anxiety will instantly disappear. You’ll also be able to more clearly distinguish that the so-called methods and products on the market that claim to make your private parts pink are merely treating the symptoms, not the root cause, or even harmful and completely unnecessary, thus avoiding paying too much “stupidity tax.”
Sex is not an instinct, but a skill that needs to be learned, a subject. As long as you are alive, you need to study this subject properly, starting from its principles and structure.
Just like financial investment, there are many investment guidance courses on the market, promising to teach you how to master stocks in 7 days or double your salary in 14 days, etc., but very few people actually succeed. Because no one will tell you that to navigate the capital market with ease and avoid being exploited, besides knowing that investment exists, you also need to understand basic economic principles, know what finance is, and grasp the principles of capital operation. Those who understand these principles are always more likely to remain clear-headed in investing, secure stable returns, and avoid being led by the nose by capital than those who simply ask for handouts.
On the topic of sex, I also advocate that everyone should have a thorough understanding of their own body structure, their partner’s body structure, the process of sexual response, and some principles of sexual psychology, so as to build a sexological framework for themselves. This basic framework is a key to unlocking a happy sex life for the rest of your life.
How can ordinary people who are not sex education experts systematically learn the most practical “sex science”?
• Select authoritative and reliable paid sex education programs backed by strong educational backgrounds: SAFE Academy is certainly one such program. First, you need to know what sex is all about and overturn some of the misconceptions about sex in the past.
• Reading works by sexologists both domestically and internationally: *The Encyclopedia of Chinese Sexology*, *An Introduction to Sexology* by Li Yinhe, *Sexual Psychology* by Ellis, *The Hite Reports* by Hite, and *The Kinsey Reports* by Kinsey, allows you to “peek” into other people’s sex lives and find common ground. Bertrand Russell’s *Sex and Marriage* is also excellent, easy to understand. Additionally, reading works on the history and culture of sex is highly encouraged, such as Jiang Xiaoyuan’s *Five Chapters on Sexology*. There’s nothing new under the sun; understanding Chinese sexual history can help you view the various sexual issues around you with greater wisdom.
Practice makes perfect; explore your body more: you can do it with a partner, but actually, being alone with a mirror is enough. Remember to be careful.
Human sexuality is not merely about fulfilling the need for reproduction, nor is it simply about pursuing sensory pleasure and stimulation. Rather, it places greater emphasis on the growth and value it brings. Just as a person who has created substantial wealth through legitimate labor will not consider wealth as their sole purpose, but will instead use it to create greater value for society.
The same applies to sex. Simply covering it up and suppressing it will not eliminate people’s desire for it, nor will it reduce the number of “sex scandals” at the bottom of society. Only through scientific education and experience can we fully unlock our sexual energy and unleash its amazing creativity. Exploring and learning about “sex” will be the most rewarding “investment” in both heterosexual marriage and personal life growth.
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